Ghost Rush Limbaugh's Radio Network Will Keep Playin' Ghost Rush Reruns Long As Those Morons Keep Listenin'!
Picture it: You're a teenager in the year 2041, and your wingnut dad picks you up from soccer practice. "Ugh, I don't want to listen to your lame Nickelback oldies station," you say to your wingnut dad, whose actual favorite band when he was a teenager was Nickelback. (Your dad sucks.) He says fine and changes it to talk radio, because he's a wingnut. And now you are listening to Rush Limbaugh, even though that clump of shit and cigar smoke died 20 years ago. "Really, dad?" you ask. "We're going to listen to the dead fascist again?" But your dad can't hear you, because he's banging the steering wheel in glee and armpit farting himself into a fit of giggles, because Dead Rush Limbaugh just did the "Barack the Magic Negro" song.
"Dad, Barack Obama is 80 years old. He was president like a hundred years ago. It would be one thing if you were yelling at President Sasha Obama, who is president right now, but this is just pathetic. Goddammit." But your dad doesn't hear you. He is grunting in anger, like HGEEEEENNNNNNGH, about what a slut Sandra Fluke is.
This could be your life, teenager of the year 2041, because Premiere Radio Networks has announced it's gonna keep on playin' Dead Rush as long as the morons keep listening:
"The Rush Limbaugh Show" will continue, using archived segments and clips, primarily airing Mr. Limbaugh's voice, "until his audience is prepared to say goodbye," Premiere Networks, which distributes the show, said in a memo to affiliates. It will continue to air in its regular noon to 3 p.m. time slot Monday through Friday.
"Until his audience is prepared to say goodbye," says the Wall Street Journal, like we have to have patience as they traverse the stages of grief, so ... exactly the same as when we had to have patience while Trump "processed" his election loss (amassed his white power army) because where's the harm? Anybody else getting the feeling the Fuck Your Feelings crowd isn't great at "dealing with reality"?
"No one can replace Rush Limbaugh," said Hosea Belcher, senior vice president of affiliate marketing for iHeartMedia Inc.'s Premiere Networks. "Our plan is to provide the millions of loyal listeners with the voice of Rush Limbaugh for long term."
Like "Matlock" and "Murder, She Wrote!" Except for your wingnut dad in 2041, it's more like those "Saved By The Bell" reruns he can't stop watching.
Mr. Limbaugh's 30 years of audio has been archived and cataloged by subject, topic and opinion, Premiere said in its memo. The show will address the day's news using relevant clips and guest hosts such as Mark Steyn, Todd Herman and Ken Matthews, who helped fill in while Mr. Limbaugh underwent cancer treatment over the past year, will help guide the show from segment to segment, the network said.
Why say a new misogynistic/racist/homophobic thing when Rush Limbaugh already said it even more racist and misogynistic and homophobic than you ever could?
"With over 30 years of audio, Rush has a definite view on today's issues," said Mr. Belcher.
And tomorrow's issues, apparently!
Maybe they can just Mad Libs him. Take Rush Limbaugh segments, cut out all the proper nouns, and just leave in the words like "feminazi" and "welfare queen." People dying in yet another pandemic? Just play Rush's AIDS update, where he celebrated AIDS deaths! Something in the news about an Asian person? Just remix this greatest hit from Rush Limbaugh:
'Ching cha. Ching chang cho chow. Cha Chow. Ching Cho. Chi ba ba ba. Kwo kwa kwa kee. Cha ga ga. Ching chee chay. Ching zha bo ba. Chang cha. Chang cho chi che. Cha dee. Ooooh chee bada ba. Jee jee cho ba.' Nobody was translating, but that's the closest I can get," he said on his radio show while "translating" Chinese President Hu Jintao in 2011.
Gotta preserve that kinda thing in perpetuity, apparently.
This is the most pathetic fucking thing we have ever heard and if you ever witness somebody rockin' to the oldies of Dead Rush Limbaugh, you are hereby ordered to point at them and laugh until they run away crying and never bother you again, the end.
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