Dear Abby Shits Bed

I will always remember with fondness and gratitude the time Dear Abby bitched out a lady who was in HIGH CUNTY DUDGEON over someone buying fresh strawberries with food stamps. Shut your stupid face, she told her, and stop being a twat. It was good! It was back in the Ronald Reagan Welfare Cadillac Queen days, and it was such a strong stand for decency and keeping your nose out of other people's shopping carts and not strawberry-shaming the poor. It also reached millions of people through their daily "news paper," which was a whole other thing.

Abby is written by her daughter, Jeanne Phillips, now. And unfortunately, Jeanne Phillips has just messed the bed. By which we mean she has written a large pile of poo!

Responding to a question about how the Letter Writer could politely ask whether homes her young daughter would be visiting had guns, and if so if they were properly locked up, Abby answered, in full:

DEAR FIRST-TIME MOM: If you start asking other parents whether they have guns in their homes and how they store them, your questions may be off-putting. Because you are concerned for your child's safety, why not offer to have the kids visit your house for playdates? I'm sure many of the parents will be glad to have some free time, and it shouldn't offend anyone.

Yes, First-Time Mom. All birthday parties and slumber parties and Girl Scout meetings and homework sessions will always be held at your home, that is just much more polite than finding an inoffensive way to ask if any potential guns are kept in a gun safe. Nobody will think you are a control freak, or a total weirdo, or a person who will not accept a fair exchange of hospitality, or that you feel visiting their home is beneath you and your child, and your daughter, who will have never seen the inside of a home that wasn't her own, will be perfectly able to deal in the real world once she's left the nest.

More than 28,000 children were shot with guns in 2016. Let us brainstorm some ways to politely ask if there are unsecured guns before letting your child visit with friends!

  • Oh hey, just asking, if you have guns in the house, are they locked up?

  • Oh hey, just asking, if you have guns in the house, are they locked up?

  • Oh hey, just asking, if you have guns in the house, are they locked up?

  • Man, that was fucking offputting, huh? The trick to NOT being offputting is to ask this without a smug liberal sneer on your face. (I am so good at this that I can ask people things like, "Oh, are you racist?" and THEY WILL TELL ME YES!)

    Or let's ask Be Smart For Kids how they handle it:

    Huh. You'd kind of have to be a total dick to take offense at that, right? Sheeeit, even the NRA has a section about how Responsibility Means not letting your child shoot himself or others in the face:

    We encourage you as a responsible parent and citizen to reinforce these ideas by repeating this message and discussing it with your child. According to federal statistics, there are guns in approximately 40% of all U.S. households. Even if you do not have a firearm in your home, chances are that someone you know does. Your child could come in contact with a gun at a neighbor's house, when playing with friends, or under other circumstances outside of your control. We encourage you as a responsible parent and citizen today to...

    • Make sure all firearms cannot be reached by anyone who should not have access to them without your consent. Store guns so they are not accessible to unauthorized persons, especially children.
    • Keep ammunition securely stored where a child or any other unauthorized person cannot reach it.
    • Talk to your child about guns, and gun safety. By removing the mystery surrounding guns, your child will be far less curious about guns, and more likely to follow safety rules.
    • Make sure your child understands the difference between a toy gun and a real gun, and the difference between "pretend" and real life.

    This has been another edition of Fuckin' A People It's Not That Hard, from your Wonkette.

    [DearAbby / BeSmartForKids]

    Wonkette is ad-free, supported only by Readers Like You, and has a pistol locked in a box on a high shelf in the shop. MONEY PLEASE.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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