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Is everyone tired of news channels screaming at you that Ebola is the most terrifying threat to humanity since Snooki got knocked up, and we should all not leave the house unless we’re sealed up inside our own airtight hamster balls?

Then don’t turn on CNN, which is now turning to fiction writer Robin Cook to scare the living bejesus out of its viewers. Next up: Wolf Blitzer will interview Stephen King about precautions you should take to guard against werewolf attacks during the next full moon.


Oh sure, Robin Cook is a doctor -– of ophthalmology. Which hasn’t stopped Rand Paul from pretending he knows his ass from a hole in the ground, and look how far he’s gotten! And Cook did once write a book about an Ebola outbreak titled, creatively, Outbreak. So maybe he did his research and knows what he’s talking about?

On the other hand, the book was published in 1987. And it involved a conspiracy of doctors purposely planting the virus in health care centers to cause a crisis for some weird reason, which we’re pretty sure is not the case here. (Though Barack Obama is purposely allowing Ebola into America to make the country more like a Third World shithole and apologize for colonialism, but duh, that’s just common sense.) Might there be some medical professionals who have more up-to-date research on highly transmittable hemorrhagic fevers that CNN could call than a guy who wrote a novel about it 27 years ago? Probably, but where’s the fun in that?

The interview does not get off to a promising start when the first question out of Don “Maybe a Black Hole Swallowed That Plane” Lemon’s mouth is, “Are we going overboard here?”

Cook, who has no vested interest in keeping people terrified of medical mysteries, answers, “I don’t think we are. I think that something like Ebola, this type of illness, is probably the scariest thing we can deal with.”

It’s pretty much downhill from there, as Lemon asks Cook why he basically accused the Centers for Disease Control of lying about having this recent outbreak well in hand. Lying, incompetent government bureaucrats! What a great plot element ... er, scary real-life possibility that every CNN viewer should fear. The two men then try to compare the Ebola outbreak to AIDS and get as far as 1) they are both viruses, 2) they are both deadly (eventually), and 3) both started in “the bush” and jumped to humans. Great analysis, guys.

If there is a silver lining for us, it is that being terrible has not helped CNN’s ratings over the last few years, but that has not stopped the plucky network from trying to get worse. Seriously, at this point it has to be intentional, right? You don’t bring Newt Gingrich to your news channel and put him on a nightly political chat show if you are trying to not suck. We look forward to all the eye rolls CNN will inspire for the foreseeable future.

[Media Matters]

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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