Dear Jesus, What A Year 2015 Was! A Letter From Michelle Duggar
WHAT A YEAR AMIRITE?
Dear friends, family, fellow sidehuggers, and Jesus:
OHHHHHHHH! WHAT A YEAR THE DUGGARS HAVE HAD! We have been walking strong in the Lord, but sometimes He just throws you a curveball you weren't expecting! For instance, did you know that the Duggar family has genitals? We did not know! I knew there was a big hole underneath my Christian lady jumper that shooted out babies, and that my husband Jim Bob put them there with his magic pants rocket, but we always thought of that as "worship" rather than "sex." What a surprise from Jesus!
Everyone is healthy except Josh, who has the sin disease, but we'll get to that later! Here is your update on what The Duggars have been doing in 2015!
January, February, March, when nothing happened.
It was wintertime, so all the Duggars were hibernating, of course, like the fuzzy bears we are! Except my son-in-law, Derick, WHAT A GAS! He glorified the Lord by sledding in the snow directly toward a scaredy cat, which was actually a literal cat! Did you hear the pun joke Mommy just made about cats? Ohhhhhhhhhh!
A video posted by Derick Dillard (@derickdillard) on
Nothing else happened during those months.
April was OK!
[contextly_sidebar id="ELqeHh2fJWkneyYt5DHdxmtWP9ZP9MuG"]Our firstborn son, Josh, whom we still acknowledged at the time, went to a big March For No Homo Marriage in Washington! He was a powerful executive with a traditional Christian organization called the Family Research Council, and he shared all the wisdom he's learned about how the gay marriages are gross and heterosexual Christian marriages like his are the way go to! Here's a picture:
May really fingered us.
[contextly_sidebar id="Gy5Edw7k2k1P4AZrDSf4Q1jC9HdDAQzL"]Everything started out so normal. Jessa and Ben took a field trip to a creationism research center and learned atheists don't exist, and Jim Bob and I stayed home in Arkansas and boned each other bareback, to expand God's Kingdom. You could say we were doing our own "creation research," in my vagina, but there I go again with my #jokes!
[contextly_sidebar id="umv4ZK5CY7O3HL0dlyQqgrzzcSwToC9D"]But then an old demon came back from our past, and it was that Josh used to put his fingers in his sisters' shame canyons, and also the babysitter's shame canyon, and we don't know why the whole world was so mad at us! Josh told Jesus he was sorry for that AGES AGO!
[contextly_sidebar id="hiBFyIrz4k0YWi9NZCc01S1gyFnApsGw"]Then gross potty-mouthy cuss-talkers on the Wonkette website, none of whom know Jesus in the biblical way, started writing mean things about how our family is a bunch of "hypocrites" for always warning everybody of the demon evils of homosexuality, when we already knew our son liked to jam his fingers into the assorted orifices of the Duggar clan. As if! Gays are gross, you know!
[contextly_sidebar id="Gsaem4NSKHQrfm1MhJlhFXIwOHVl5vsm"]Even when our lovable pal Mike Huckabee made us all feel better by pointing out that all kids make silly mistakes, like when his son murdered that dog, the Wonkette site was still making fun of us. And they had the audacity to say that OUR Christian sex ed methods, which teach that temptress B-words be askin' for it and evil demon semen causes lady cancer in the Down Theres, are somehow bad. The only sex ed Wonkette knows is probably "have all the penis sex in the heinie with every gentleman you see," which is not very Christian!
Then TLC pulled us off the air! May was really bad, you guys.
June and July were OK we guess, but not really?
YAY: We got to go on the Megyn Kelly Fox News show and talk about the Lord!
BOO: Mike Huckabee broke up with us.
YAY: Sarah Palin, that nice Alaskan snow lady, said nice things about us on TV!
BOO: TLC canceled our show, "50 Ways To Bone Your Sister," for actual this time.
BOO SUCK MORE BAD: We were totally broke, unless we were lying about that!
HOORAY: God announced a new plan for us to get some more sweet reality show $$$$$$$.
August, when we found out Josh is FOR REAL a sicko perv monster, but still not as bad as a yucky gaygender.
[contextly_sidebar id="iEq0JZDfczaQWwH39F06TZQb2kKHs4a9"]Jim Bob and I were so mad when we found out Josh violently rammed his wiener into a lady involved in the sin of pornography, we almost said swears! We might still say some! Let's try: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE BROWNIES!
[contextly_sidebar id="IaTjF0OT4s0F4cVoiF7aLJ1bstDC3wuh"]Anyway, Josh went to the Christian Sex Rehab For Christian Penis-Users, and we haven't seen him since, maybe he will die in there, oh well, mama wants another reality TV contract.
September and October, when we found out our other children are common harlots and grifters.
[contextly_sidebar id="Wg12YihsfudiBx7O28JUoDpRPDa65u4Q"]So Jill and her adorable meth-head-looking husband Derick were in Central America winning souls for Jesus, OR SO WE THOUGHT. Apparently we raised another liar! Turns out they were winning souls without a license, and probably running drugs for the cartel or learning how to 69 each other's Duggar genitals on the El Salvadoran beach, and it got so intense they had to return some of the donations for their "mission work." And they admitted they were big liars! Maybe Duggars really ARE bad parents. :(
Good news: The Duggars got to go on TLC again some more! (But not Josh, because he's bad.) Oh, and they made a "Law & Order: SVU" about Josh ramming sister-holes with his meathooks. We love that program!
[contextly_sidebar id="jTo4fnqXVBxiRDjwp0aZ7WbB7qRApztP"]More good news: Jim Bob and I went to a sexxxy sex camp for married Christians and he did a bunch of peener to my hoonanny, and OHHHHHHH it was nice!
The last couple months of 2015, the year that must never been repeated, so help us Jesus.
[contextly_sidebar id="CBGGQCQFlYUn1yn1ivbvXpbac3e8ve07"]Wonkette wroted a nice post about which other Duggar kids are doing Christian sidehugs on the no-no zones to their special courtship friends, so that was OK. Oh, and our daughter-in-law Anna said she would stay with Josh even though he is a whore-sinner with an unclean penis, so good for her! Glad she won't roast in hell for divorcing our poor boy. She would have deserved it!
Oh yeah, Jessa calfed a thing and named it Spurgeon, but Wonkette did not write about that, guess they can't be bothered to write about us when we're doing NICE THINGS like having babies for the Lord. PFFFFFFT.
Anyway, friends, family, and Jesus, that was our Duggar year. It was not a very good year. We hope you're all happy and healthy, though, and if you see our son coming toward you with outstretched fingers and a tent in his pants, RUN AWAY FOREVER.
Yours in Christ,