Dear Media: Can You Please Let Donald Trump Step On His OWN Dick? Thanks.
This is what Trump looks like when he steps on his dick.
At the outset: NO, we are not about to defend Donald Trump, who is terrible and horrible and should never be president, in this post. We just would like to remind the media, which seems to have recently gotten struck by the possibilities that for real, there is a chance Trump could be president, and for real, the Fourth Fucking Estate might actually have responsibilities beyond "BOTH SIDES DO IT!" and "Gosh, Trump and Hillary BOTH have their scandals!" during this election cycle. We're not saying actual journalistic ethics in the media coverage of this election have fully taken hold, but that there have been a couple of encouraging developments lately, notably with the New York Times's excellent reporting on Trump's taxes. Hell, even known hack Chuck Todd committed an act of journalism the other day, pushing back hard against a Trump spokes-douche's assertions that fake online polls mean Trump REALLY DID WIN THAT DEBATE.
Which is why it is so fuckin' annoying that TWO TIMES today, Monday, October 3, we have seen the whole entire media going apeshit over Trump stories that turn out, upon examination of transcripts and videos, to be kinda horseshit.
The first is a story that is lighting up the internet, about Trump saying to a wingnut veterans' PAC called Retired American Warriors PAC -- he was there with Tony fucking Perkins for God's sake -- that vets with PTSD aren't "strong" and "can't handle it." Here, have a screengrab of Google news results about this statement:
The trouble is that's not quite what he said. Here is the quote, and also the video, which many sites aren't including:
When you talk about the mental health problems, when people come back from war and combat and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over and you're strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can't handle it. And they see horror stories, they see events you couldn't see in a movie, nobody would believe it ...
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/591659/donald-trump-sorry-everyone-too-stupid-to-understand-john-mccain-is-big-war-hero-loser"></a>[/wonkbar]Some are comparing this to that famous time Trump said John McCain is a big ol' pussy because he got captured. And you know what? He DID say that. This time, he really didn't say the thing everybody is saying he said.
Is Trump good at words-ing? Fuck no. He speaks like a toddler on meth. But we can see from watching the video that he was actually trying to be empathetic. Did the stream of idiot consciousness that rules Trump's brain deliver those words in proper, sensible English? LOL no.
Don't worry, media! He will choke on his foot while playing with his own poo by the end of the day, and we trust you will be RIGHT there to report it, correctly. (We will note, though, that the question was more than 10 words long, which means Trump sat there getting bored and fidgety for an entire minute before giving his answer. So that was funny.)
The second story involves Trump surrogate and lover of women Rudy Giuliani, who IT APPEARED AT FIRST told George Snuffleupagus on the TV that a business genius who knows how to skate on his taxes like Trump is WAY BETTER than some gnarly-ass woman with ladyparts. Here is ABC's headline about the thing that happened on ABC. After that is the headline from The Hill, aggregating the ABC story:
Is that what known adulterous dicksnot Rudy Giuliani, who is currently actually going after Hillary Clinton for her husband's infidelity, said? Here is the transcript, AND AGAIN ALSO THE VIDEO (exchange starts four minutes in or so):
I want a man who's a genius at figuring out how to take this country, that's moving in the wrong direction, where we've had a basically jobless recovery, where we've had growth of less than two percent for two years -- that's pathetic! Don't you think a man who has this kind of economic genius is better for this country than a woman, and the only thing she's ever produced is for the FBI, checking out her emails?
Did Rudy Giuliani words that good? No, he's almost as bad at saying English things as Donald Trump! Remember Giuliani was the Mayor Of 9/11, not the Poet Laureate Of 9/11. But watching the video, it's obvious that the "and the only thing she's ever produced" -- note that Giuliani was talking about the BRILLIANT business accomplishments and tax avoidances of his 69-pal (allegedly) Donald Trump -- is the completion of his "than a woman" question.
Again, Giuliani is the panty-sniffing perv-monster currently going after HILLARY for her husband's infidelity. That is a real story. This is not.
Guys? This is not necessary. As we saw last week -- in the aftermath of Donald Trump's #DebateFail, and as he flailed about trying to repair his bruised ego after that mean Venezuelan beauty queen Alicia Machado made fun of him -- Trump is COMPLETELY capable of setting his own dick on fire and eating it. LET HIM.
One of Trump's major rallying cries for his glue-sniffing supporters is that everything is #rigged against him, and the media "lies" about what he says. Usually, he airs these grievances when he's been quoted verbatim. The last thing we want the media to be doing right now is, God forbid, actually exaggerating or embellishing things said by Trump or his surrogates in a way that could give even the slightest whiff of credibility to his bitching.
Thank you, media, we heart you very much for the work you are doing, this has simply been a Loving Correction, and we trust it will never happen again because you are going to #StopIt.