Looks like he's doing that thing again

Dear North Korea,

We know you're probably all kinds of freaked out about that Reuters interview Thursday where Donald Trump, who really is the president of the United States, improbable though that seems, said that your nuclear program could lead to a war any minute now. Specifically, he said, "There is a chance that we could end up having a major, major conflict with North Korea. Absolutely," which is one of those things that is 1) something everyone on both sides knows is a possibility and 2) Nobody says out loud because putting that on your Vision Board makes it come "true."

Here's the thing you guys over there in the Hermit Kingdom have to remember: Our president is crazy stupid, and says all sorts of crazy bullshit out loud that normal U.S. presidents have been careful not to, because he barely has any idea how rational, normally socialized human beings behave and talk. You guys, of all people, should know what that's like. Your own Dipshit Great Leader, after all, tosses around threats to turn South Korea (and sometimes Japan) into a "sea of fire" about as often as our guy says "big league" (though it sounds like "bigly"). Lil' Kim has used that "sea of fire" line again and again, in response to South Korean military exercises in 2011, to mark the North's own live-fire exercises in 2013, in response to propaganda leaflets in 2015, and after the U.S. planned to send a missile-defense system to the South in 2016. So honestly, it's not like you guys haven't had plenty of experience with a freakishly insecure leader who looks to the military power of the state and the adulation of the people to reassure him that he's a really popular leader and says any goddamn thing that comes to mind. Hell, you've got a lot more experience with that style of paranoid, hair-trigger tempered head of state than we do. We're still getting used to the petty little shit. Ours, not yours.

We say this not as criticism, but in a spirit of international friendship and understanding, of course. All we're getting at is that when this particular president of the USA opens his mouth, it's often a torrent of angry, petulant bullshit that comes out, and then the adults in the administration explain to him why that was inadvisable, Trump says something slightly less insane, and then he either gives up on whatever his latest dickery was or embraces someone else's idea or achievement and says that's what he had in mind all along. Sure, you have to be ready for him to come back a month later and say the original crazy thing all over again, because if one of his lies gets applause, he's really reluctant to let go of it. It takes some getting used to.

In any case, please notice that in the same interview where he said we might get into a major, major conflict with you guys, he also said he wants to address the issue of North Korea's nuclear program through negotiations, in his own uniquely clumsy way, saying "We'd love to solve things diplomatically but it's very difficult." Also, because he's a complete idiot, even while he was talking war stuff, he took time during his interview to say South Korea had better pay us for that missile defense system that spooked you and China, and that he wants to negotiate a tougher trade agreement with South Korea. Look on the bright side: Trump only said we might get into a war with you guys in North Korea, but he's actively telling our allies in South Korea they need to pay up, or else! (Also, South Korea? Please see everything we just said about Trump saying crazy bullshit then backing down, 'kay?)

This morning, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who we are fairly sure Trump from time to time is reminded exists, also said he wanted the U.S. and North Korea to have direct, face-to-face talks about denuclearization (yours, not ours, duh. We're a goddamned superpower, you know), at least if the schedule doesn't interfere with his naps. Also, sorry he keeps calling your capital "Pongyang." You can probably point that out when he drops by.

So please, North Korea, try to remember that when Donald Trump says crazy bullshit, he may really believe it, but in a day or so he's likely to be saying some completely opposite crazy bullshit that he also sincerely believes. It takes some getting used to, and definitely isn't easy on anyone's digestion. We sincerely believe that if we all keep cool heads, our two nations can join together in looking at our leaders, shaking our heads, and saying together, "That crazy motherfucker's at it again. Just ignore him, it's how he is."

But try not to freak out over Trump's latest line about seeing major major conflict anytime soon. Everybody knows you can only see Major Major when he's left for the day.


The United States of America

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader contributions, and we really, really mean that, bigly. Please click the "Donate" linky to throw us some money. Also, we would not say no to a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for this important column's contribution to international understanding.

[Reuters / NPR]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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