Dearest Mike Huckabee: So Long, Farewell, Aufwiedersehen, Burn In Hell


[contextly_sidebar id="j7Wk9Cx0f6824iaKTxkxhh812s48ciB4"]By now, you may have heard the saddest news ever to come out of the big dumbocrap whatchamahoozit known as the Iowa caucuses: Mike Huckabee will no longer be pretending to "run for president," and will instead have to go back to grifting on Fox News or whatever, if they'll even take him back. Except when we say "saddest," what we ACTUALLY mean is that Mike Huckabee is one of the few politicians we really, truly, from the depths of our snarky hearts, HATE, and we are so excited that today is a Very Bad Day for him.

[contextly_sidebar id="qsE23kje89u3RCXYJuuSbtZb9WIpi270"]Awwww, sad news, Mike Huckabee, but NOBODY is #ImWithHucK anymore, except maybe Josh Duggar and his sister-diddlin' fingers. As of the latest reporting, Huck managed to squeeze 1.8% of Iowa Republicans over to his side, which is just pathetic, since he won the Iowa caucuses in 2008 and went on to be president of absolutely nothing! For the record, 2016 Iowa Republicans have been tolding him to fucking scram for months now.

[contextly_sidebar id="WQboCbfGR6wxRRoZiuEGLspO8k06KXbO"]Let's twist the knife some more, shall we? Because the last few months have been HI-LARIOUS, to us anyway. Huck was SO SURE he had the ace in the hole, by which we mean his sweaty butthole, the one argument which would bring all the everybody over to his side: HE BEATED THE CLINTON MACHINE! Except how that is not even true. Huck never ever ran against the Clintons in Arkansas, and if he had, he would've had his thick grundle handed to him.

[contextly_sidebar id="gfW1n266AsAi1aijg1ml3h8IpGJFuaGf"]But even if that's all bullshit, what about how he's the Most True Evangelical, the guy who has been authentically, conservatively Jesusing since long before Ted Cruz crawled out of a hole in the ground in Calgary? Wouldn't the religious right, whose dicks he's been sucking for at least a thousand years, have his back? Hahahaha NOPE! Tony Perkins and all the other popular Heathers on the religious right got together for their Republican primary game of spin the bottle, and guess what, they decided to sex Ted Cruz in the closet. And poor Huckabee has been crying as he listens to their moans ever since, AWWWWWWW.

Oh well. In the interest of never having to write about Huck again, at least until next time he Ebolas himself all over our political discourse, let's remember a few of the best times this past year when Huck has been the vilest piece of Arkansan pig shit in the Arkansan foamy pig shit lagoon, and then let's tell him to fuck off forever:

  • That time we learned about how Josh Duggar diddled his sisters, and Huck was like "Awwww, Jesus saves though." And he stayed BFFs with the family, all the way up to a few weeks ago, when he yelled at an Iowa lady who thought it was gross how he pals around with child molesters and their protectors.
  • That time Huck was just pretty sure Syrian refugees (many of whom are BABIES who are DYING) only want to come to America for our precious Comcast. He later clarified that he meant if some of them are bad apples, it's like when he eats some bad squirrel and it gives him the Hucka-runs.
  • That time Huck figured out the BEST way to overturn the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage was to say that if THAT ruling is good, then Dred Scott must still be good, too, right? Mike Huckabee can haz black people not being full citizens no more?
  • That time he religious freedom-jizzed all over Kentucky clerk Kim Davis's lady jumper in jail.
  • That time he thought it would be a good idea, since he's an evangelical expert on Israel, to go to Israel and Jewsplain how to Do Jewish to The Jews. It did not go well!
  • That time he knew the real issue after the gruesome Charleston murders wasn't racism, but SINNING, and if everybody would just accept Jesus into their hearts, there would be no more sad murder. The confederate flag wasn't the issue either.
  • He's always calling Beyoncé a whore, which is NOT COOL BRO, NOT COOL.

So for those reasons (AND MANY MORE!), Mike Huckabee, it's time to go fuck yourself in the anus trench with the Not-Votes of every U.S. American who apparently hates you more than they hate Ted Cruz.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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