Democratic Primary Deathwatch 2020: Eric Swalwell's Campaign Sings Final Torch Song
Eric Swalwell ran for president and nobody came. We've had his campaign on death watch since he declared his candidacy in April, and now, it's being reported that the California congressman will drop out today. Maybe he noticed the polling data -- he's averaging roughly zero percent, which ties him with Wonkette, and we didn't spend $2.4 million on those results. Charlatan and flake Marianne Williamson has managed one percent in the polls. This is after the 2020 Democratic primary debates when people heard her speak -- out loud and on camera. Maybe it's best that Swalwell call it quits.
Where did it all go wrong? Swalwell is an unassuming white guy with Ken doll good looks, which we're told is what America needs right now. His parents are Midwestern Republicans who voted for Donald Trump, and he was cautiously optimistic that they'd vote for him if he were the nominee. There was nowhere to go but up or, as it turned out, nowhere to go at all.
Swalwell is two months shy of official Millennial status, and during the first Democratic debate, he asked Silent Generation member Joe Biden to kindly "pass the torch" to the next generation, specifically him, because he is still young and does not resort to obvious combovers.
Biden laughed in Swalwell's face and declared that he was "still holding on to that torch." Of course, he is. No one voluntarily surrenders power. Kamala Harris meanwhile wrested the torch from Biden and set him on fire with it. That's the American way.
We liked most of Swalwell's policy positions, but they weren't that different from the two dozen other Democrats running. He did distinguish himself somewhat on gun safety, and he deserves credit for supporting a mandatory ban and buy-back of assault weapons. He gave a shout out to gun control groups during the debate and confronted Bernie Sanders about his plans to directly address gun violence. He also convinced Biden, Sanders, and Harris to get on board with a buy-back.
SWALWELL: Keep your pistols, keep your rifles, keep your shotguns, but we can take the most dangerous weapons from the most dangerous people... We don't have to live this way," he said. "We must be a country who loves our children more than we love our guns.
When campaigning in Iowa, Swalwell was
asked if he'd build his presidential library in his native Iowa. He claimed he could think of no better place than "right next to the world's largest popcorn ball," which is something that apparently exists in Swalwell's hometown of Sac City.
Swalwell should still build a presidential library there. We don't think Sac City will mind if he was never actually president. In the meantime, Swalwell can continue his good work in the House of Representatives, as a member of both the House Intelligence and Judiciary committees. (That means he knows stuff.)
Who will be the next white guy to drop out? We are just not sure, but we think his name might sound like "Dickendongler."
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.