Dear Moran: The Earth is flat and the sun is raised by a magical pony princess. P.S. I am not a crank


So here's the biggest surprise about the cranky comments we got in response to our little story last week about Nazi Flat-Earthers, who are a thing and who almost drove the editor of the white nationalist website "Daily Stormer" crazy -- see, Flat-Earthers are good for something! -- but here is the surprise, for reals: We didn't get any angry comments from Nazis, as such (maybe one semi-Nazi, as we'll see). Instead, we heard from several very unhappy Flat-Earthers, who dropped by to do some Real Science to us and explain why only a brainwashed fool would think the Earth is an oblate spheroid. Fortunately, to help those of us who may be resistant to the incontrovertible truth, our first expert, "Simon Faulkner," posted in all-caps, lest we miss a single vital word:

EXPLAIN ALSO HOW GRAVITY IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FORCE THAT HOLDS US AND BILLIONS OF TONS OF WATER TO THE SURFACE OF A SPINNING SPHERE.FORGET ABOUT THE EARTHS MASS PULLING THINGS IN!!.. I CAN JUMP IN THE AIR WITH EASE!...BUT THE FORCE NEEDED TO HOLD THAT KIND OF WEIGHT OF WATER TO THE SURFACE OF A BALL WOULD CRUSH EVERYTHING ON THE BALL! INCLUDING THE BALL! ..THINK ABOUT A WET TENNIS BALL SPINNING ROUND!.IT WOULDN'T MATTER HOW BIG OR DENSE THE BALL WAS, WATER WOULD NEVER STICK TO THE SURFACE OF A GLOBE USING THE FORCE OF GRAVITY,,NEVER MIND THE FACT EARTH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPINNING AT 10000 MPH ALSO!...PLS EXPLAIN HOW I CAN JUMP IN THE AIR WITH EASE, AND BREAK GRAVITY'S HOLD, & YET THAT SAME FORCE WE ARE TOLD IS HOLDING BILLIONS OF TONS OF WATER TO THE SURFACE OF A SPINNING GLOBE...CONSIDER SMOKE! WOULD SMOKE RISE IF GRAVITY WAS REAL??????? NO IT WOULDN'T....WHAT HAPPENS TO A PING-PONG BALL WHEN WET.....NOTHING....ALL THE WATER COLLECTS AT THE BOTTOM!....WE WOULD NEVER EXPECT TO SEE THE WATER SPREAD ACROSS THE BALL EVENLY!....AND THE FACT THAT SPACE IS A SUPERPOSED VACUUM... MAKES IT EVEN LESS LIKELY WATER WOULD STICK EVENLY AROUND A SPHERE ....THINK ABOUT IT! ..

A couple of people actually very patiently explained that the planet is a very big thing indeed, big enough not to be crushed by the weight of the oceans and all that force holding them down. They even pointed out that when Simon jumps, he doesn't really "break gravity's hold," seeing as how he comes back down. He wasn't having any of that nonsense, and told people to do their own research, not just believe everything they see on TV. He really thought that contrast between him, a tiny human being able to escape gravity by jumping, and the oceans, which don't jump at all, was a pretty neat argument, and returned to it several times. He also had little patience for people calling him a nut, for some reason. Some excerpts (we'll leave out the repetitious oceans and jumping examples here):

  • Try opening your mind instead of your mouth explain [oceans and jumping and smoke again] explain why the north star Polaris has not moved one bit in thousands of years if you can not explain any of these I would shut up all you can do is name call you don't have anything with any substance non of ya, ya all mind controlled cattle..... The sky is a hologram this is an enclosed system. period.... What any of you choose to believe is entirely up to you but it does not change the fact the sky is a hologram this is an enclosed system, terrarium if you will, im afraid, just like the people in it, this reality is completely fake! Even down to the clouds!....
  • We are in the time of the apocalypse guys apocalypse means the uncovering of Truth, meaning everything we know to date, everything has not been the truth..... This is why it's called the apocalypse.... Because if we had been given the truth in the first place there will be no need for the apocalypse would there?....Lol ... I would say it's not rocket science,... but even that is fake....LOL..
  • ....water surrounds the whole earth!...and the sky is covered with a dome called the firmament!....and the sky is a hologram!....THESE ARE FACTS I KNOW AND CAN VERIFY!.......not sure if the earth is flat or triangle....but i know it isn't what we been told!.....if we had been told the truth....there would be no need for the Apocalypse now would there!
  • YOU HAVE NOT ANSWERED ANYTHING! YOU HAVE JUST REPEATED WHAT YOU THINK IS THE RIGHT ANSWER! WITH NO RESEARCH OR KNOWING WHAT SO EVER..FUNNY HOW PEOPLE THAT KNOW THE LEAST HAVE THE MOST TO SAY!....your mind controlled mate MIND CONTROLLED, JUST BLINDLY ACCEPTING WHAT YOU HEARD ON TV.....MUPPET

At least "Simon" eventually got around to explaining why we are all mind controlled sheep for not recognizing that he truly is overcoming or disproving gravity by jumping up a few inches:

ill explain because i know your special needs....if i can break gravity's force, even for a moment by jumping up!, i have still broken gravitys force! the only reason i come back down is because i am denser than air! i am heavier than the air around me!....there is no measurable force pulling anything to the earth ok sweetheart!.YOU HAVE BEEN MIND CONTROLLED OK HUN!

We are perfectly willing to accept that "Simon" is denser than air. And anyone else around here. He also had "photographic" evidence of...something, we're not sure what:

  • PLS IF YOU DOUBT THIS PICTURE I HAVE HUNDREDS MORE TO SHOW YOU, THE SKY IS A HOLOGRAM, & AN ENCLOSED SYSTEM!....WE HAVE ALL BEEN MADE A FOOL OF, BECAUSE WE ALL BOUGHT THE GLOBE MODEL AT FIRST!...UNTIL WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT PROPERLY!....

  • HERE IS YOUR SURPOSED UNTAMPED WITH PICTURE......QUITE FRANKLY, ANY ONE WHO STILL Believes THE EARTH IS A GLOBE, IS REALLY STARTING TO WARE THIN.....OPEN YA BLOODY MINDS, instead of ya mouths...THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL SAYING THE EARTH IS A SPHERE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ARE BEING PAID TO SAY IT...if this picture is the best you can do to try and show the earth in a picture that's not been doctored with C.G.I... i WOULD GIVE UP.

Before flouncing, "Simon" had revealed that all the people we think were great scientists -- Newton, Sagan, Kepler, Einstein among them -- were "33 degree masonic scum!" He also embedded three fascinating (no, not really) videos "proving" the flat/hollow earth, one of which trumpeted an upcoming expedition to the hole at the North Pole (the actual center of the flat Earth), where in 2020 the brave travelers will descend to the paradise below. We'll embed one of these suckers, but we don't really expect you to do more than skim through it:

That's a whole lot of wasted independent study into mythology, there. But it's far more reliable than "science," which lies to us because it just does, you know?

"Simon" also posted -- five times! -- this clip of Bill Nye "admitting" the Earth is a closed system, and we cannot leave the Earth!!!

Turns out it's a snippet of a slightly longer (and still out-of context) video where Nye says we need to clean up our act here on Earth, since there's no place else for humanity to go. So he's not saying space travel is impossible -- just that we can't all pick up and go terraform Mars (and then fuck it up, too).

Seriously, people. Stop believing all the nonsense they tell you in school and on TV, and start thinking for yourselves by listening to randos on YouTube. What are you, gullible?

We also heard from "nika," who is pretty sure it's physically impossible for Hitler to have had gas chambers. We'd hesitate to call "nika" a "Nazi," since outside of not believing part of the Holocaust happened, there's nothing to suggest "nika" subscribes to the tenets of National Socialism, or any other organized system of thought beyond "Everything You Think You Know Is WRONG!" Here's "nika" answering someone who asked why Nazis deny the reality of the Holocaust, when you'd assume they'd be proud of what Hitler called his greatest achievement:

I don't know why Nazis do anything. However if you do look into the gas chamber evidence objectively it's shockingly problematic . you can't have gas chambers that can't be hermetically sealed. Or all the guards would die too. Perhaps even a broken racist neo Nazis clock is right twice a day.

I always thought doubting Holocaust was just the worst taste thing not even worthy of breath. Ive visited camps in Germany years ago all felt horrifically legit. However in recent years I started realizing how much propaganda is in our history and o decided to read up on the theories about the Holocaust . It was mind blowing. I don't feel I figured out exactly what really happened at all. I suspect as lot of it as reported happened the rounding up and camps and even death . But the gas chambers we're not real. I can say confidently after lengthy research . It was american liberators who told stories of the gas chambers at first. I do believe they went to great extent to fabricate those specific accounts . Perhaps to bolster american pride in the horrors we had conquered. Perhaps that really everybody was dying of typhoid from poor conditions was a less insiring pr campaign. I really do not know . I think there must be do much more to figure out. But there is propaganda in our history . And current news. And often we are emotionally conditioned not to dare ask the most crucial questions. Imo

Kind of not even worth debunking, considering everything wrong there -- starting with the fact that it was Soviet troops who liberated most of the death camps, while Brits and Americans mostly liberated concentration and labor camps full of the corpses of people who'd died of disease, overwork, and starvation (Presumably Americans and Soviets collaborated to fabricate all the German documents related to the machinery of death, because we're just that sneaky).

"Nika" also flatsplained why nobody falls off the edge of the Flat Earth when taking an intercontinental flight: the North Pole is at the center of the disc, and "Antarctica" isn't so much a continent as the rim of the disc, going all the way around. No, you can't see it from a rocket, because nothing and nobody has ever gone to "space":

Google flat earth model. Or flights on flat earth. You will see visual demonstration. Essentially you travel exactly as you travel. In a straight line from start to destination. Flat earth model shows North Pole as center and ice wall antartica as outer crust. Think of a pizza. Ice all along "Edge" . but thats just an idea. Also maybe flat earth has no edge and you could keep going outwards if only you were not convinced there was nothing else to explore. Multiple theories.

See? You think you're going due east or west, but you're really traveling in a great big curve, like a groove on a record. As proof that they are covering up the true nature of Antarctica, "nika" points out elsewhere in their comment history that airlines fly over the Arctic all the time, but there are no scheduled flights using an Antarctic shortcut, and why do you think that is, HMMMM? (We would say maybe because there's not much market for direct flights from Queensland to Pretoria, but we're sheeple).

And then there's our favorite disproof of all that science twaddle you've been indoctrinated with. NO WAY is the moon reflecting sunlight, because just look at moonlight, dummy:

Either way moon light does not give you vitamin d and does not kill bacteria like sunlight . Moonlight is a different kind of light so it can't just be bounced sunlight.

Totally different kind of light, can't you see that, fool?

"Nika's" comment history is a veritable catalog of "crank magnetism" -- the tendency for a person who accepts one conspiracy theory to buy into as many of them as come that person's way. While "Nika's" main love is Flat Earth stuff, there are also nods to 9/11 and Sandy Hook trutherism, the certainty that Osama bin Laden wasn't killed in the raid on his compound, and of course the well-known fact that Michelle Obama is a dude and the Obamas killed Joan Rivers for joking about it. The usual. But why? Why are the powers-that-be constantly making up "science" and "news" and even "history" to fool the gullible? "Nika' has a theory, which "nika" thought of on their own and which belongs to "nika." AHEM:

I never would have realized how much they lie until stumbling on a few things out of - being sure it was nothing to look into & looking on a lark, etc. I think it takes some counter intuitive curiosity to scrutinize them. but once you do -- wow the evidence just piles up.

they work very hard to condition us all out lives to think to question them is some form of heresy or these days they like to say "science hating" a lot. it's very defensive and emotionally manipulative. the scientific method is not something nasa or anybody can monopolize, information given to us in the name of science is not necessarily trust worthy. it must still be vetted, the power to corrupt is only stronger when they can tell us -- if you question this that means you doubt all science, all progress, all modern development, it's downright dystponian, to send those messages to the public.

See? They have an agenda, and make up all this stuff to protect their power and profits. We're not sure exactly what nefarious agenda would explain fabricating both the shape of the Earth and every mass shooting to come down the pike, but it certainly makes you think, doesn't it? And while we know it's just a typo, we have to say we like "dystponian," and will now apply it to all crapsack-future My Little Pony fan fiction, like the fairly brilliant "Friendship is Optimal," which would be a heck of a nice rogue-AI story even without the magical pastel ponies.

One last bit of Internet Detective work from "nika," who is not a Nazi but does know the International Space Station is a hoax. It's just so obvious!

ISS is pretend. they shoot that stuff on a sound stage or a zero g plane, and when they go outside the shoot underwater to make it look like space, it's all theatrical tricks. there is also tons of stuff you can watch pointing out all the green screen and other tricks they use to produce iss segments. -- but a good starting point os try to figure out how they got those super bowl jerseys up there . there were no recorded shipments since after they knew who was going to the super bowl. it's all just silliness when you start to really look. just takes daring yourself to look more closely.

There were a couple other folks who had flat thoughts on our piece, like "Elvin Mendez," who gets his astrophysics truths from television cartoons:

why does the nasa or united nations use a flat earth picture and not the globe earth picture. Why does the simpsons in a chapter when they are playing baseball he hits a homerun and breaks the sky and water starts rushing out. Why in the simpsons movie they use the flat earth using like a type of a shaped crystal that is the same used in the history of other cultures explaining the earth and its form.

Don't nitpick on "chapter" instead of "episode"; "Elvin's" first language isn't English. Focus on the arguments: if the Earth is really a globe, how can you possibly account for these cherry-picked examples, huh?

And finally, this brief challenge from "Stephen Gleave," who made a Disqus account just for the sake of leaving this single challenge:

I would love to debate the writer of this article. In person!

We didn't even banhammer "Stephen," because darn it, we accept his challenge and we want to hear back from him. Of course we'll debate him, but to make it interesting, we demand these perfectly reasonable terms, which should add considerably to the debate: We'll debate in microgravity during a suborbital flight on Virgin Galactic's SpaceShip Two, just as soon as it enters service. As the challenger, "Steven" would of course be responsible for picking up the air/space fare for both of us.

Yr. Wonkette depends on YOU SHEEPLE to keep our servers jumping. Please click the "Donate" clicky below!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc