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Here's a heck of a thing: our comments queue overfloweth! We have been blessed with any number of very important comments from very serious people who are going to set us straight on a few things. For instance, there's "fedupw_libs," who took issue with ourrecent piece about how HGTV sent the anti-gay Benham brothers straight (ha!) to the FEMA camp and wouldn't give them the reality show that Abraham Lincoln promised them in the Constitution. Fedupw_libs wants us to know we don't know the first thing about Liberty or Free Speach, and even quoted our own words back at us to prove that we're big old hypocrites, because of gay wedding cakes, probably:


"Because they are a totally private business and not the fucking US government, they then made a business decision" So following this thought process and the whole "gays watch HGTV", a person running a bakery can refuse service to a gay couple because they're service demographic is straight evangelical couples? Free speach is free speach dumb ass. Your intolerance of someone's right to speak what they believe (they never refused someone based on their sexual orientation) is amazing. It's only acceptable free speach when it fits your narrative. You are the opitomy of a dumb ass.

We guess we are the opitomy of a dumb ass, because we make this silly distinction between speach and action -- err, axion, we guess. Which is to say, discrimination against a class of customers is actually not speech, because selling stuff to the public is not the same as saying stuff. Is that really so difficult? Also, too, we are definitely going to have to look into getting some "You are the opitomy of a dumb ass" coffee mugs in the Wonket store.

That same post generated a quartet of comments from "mipelion," which mostly boiled down to the old "if you don't like it you don't have to watch it and also there's so much trash on TV today ARRGGGHHH FAGGOTS!!!!!" The first appears to be a reply to someone who must have used Bad Words, which really set poor mipelion off:

Hey nice language. Have you watched any TV lately or are you on a roid rage. Have you seen the cartoon shows in prime time maybe you should listen to what they say. Just don't have TV at all solves all your issues. Last I checked the family does a tremendous amount of charitable work. Especially for children. Yeah your right let's not have the charitable organizations accept anything. Send back the children that were adopted. Its a TV show get over yourself and stop with the roids. Oh feel free to curse me out. Show off that third grade education you have. You probably had to repeat that year as well.

How's that for a firm telling-off, from someone who knows how to write good? Next, mipelion took issue with someone's analogy, though we have no idea what analogy it was:

I think your analogy is sad. Gays are so upset with Christians yet they want to be part of the church. Fuck you fags. Don't like the show don't watch. Maybe we should all move the fags to an island so they can enjoy themselves. But if its normal to be gay and everyone is gay then there would be nobody. No life. Since a dick in the ass does not allow you to make a life Get over it. This is TV. Idiots.

Another coffee cup right there: "Since a dick in the ass does not allow you to make a life Get over it." Maybe in Comic Sans. Mipelion also does not like the idea that any TV show ever does not get made, for any reason, because some of what does get made is so very ALL CAPS BAD:

Really. Are you serious. Better check the TV again. Shows that have killings. Cartoon with racial remarks. If you don't like the show TURN THE FUCKING CHANNEL ASS WIPE. THERE IS SO MUCH HATRED AND KILLING ON WHY DONT YOU JUST THROW AWAY YOUR TV AND RADIO AND YOUR COMPUTER AND GO JOIN THE AMISH.

It's really not clear whether mipelion is talking about the cancelled HGTV show (which never started production) or Duck Dynasty -- which, indeed, we don't watch, and also are not trying to take off the air, either (the Robertsons seem to be doing a fine job of accomplishing that by themselves). But for god's sake, TURN THE CHANNEL, IT'S ONLY TV! Mipelion's last comment is another stream-of-peevishness gem, explaining exactly how Free Speach works:

Exactly. If you don't like what I say don't listen. Like it or not we all have free speech and to sensor it goes beyond what this country was built on I don't run out and kill anyone just because I dont like what I say oh well it is my right and if it's not they move on to another country. Preferably a third world country and see what rights they have. Its TV wake up.

So if you disagree with someone, your choices apparently consist of 1) ignoring them, 2) killing them, or 3) leaving the country. The one thing mipelion does not want to see is any actual speech that expresses such disagreement, because that is sensorship, which is not what this country was built on.

Our story about British bigots' fear of maybe catching a case of the Mozzies from eating pizza made with secretly halal meat drew this refutation from "JulesVine," who wants us to know that we couldn't be more stupid or wrong or Idiots if we tried:

You complete and utter Idiots. The reason we don't want Halal meat has nothing to do with religion. We love eating food from every culture in the UK. The reason we don't want to eat it is because we are a nation of soppy animal lovers. Many people have concerns about the suffering cased to the animal an any animal welfare groups are campaigning to have halal slaughter banned for animal welfare reasons. That it. Also can you all please note that the U.K. , Britain and England are not the same thing.

We suppose that there may very well be some people who actually do cite animal cruelty as a reason for not wanting halal meat -- strangely, that consideration wasn't mentioned in the articles we linked to. We find it a bit of a stretch, however, to think that the semi-fascist British National Party is turning into PETA -- those fine folks recently denounced "the horror and barbarity of the alien practice," compared halal slaughter to "stoning to death and beheadings," and said that selling halal meat in supermarkets was an "obvious erosion of our traditions and customs." As for mixing up "UK," "Britain," and "England": Yeah, whatever. You French all look the same to us.

We also got this interesting thought from "csmallo," who appears to think it was a pretty cool thing that some brave patriots pointed guns at a BLM truck on a Utah highway, holding up a sign saying "You need to die." Csmallo explains why this is perfectly fine:

If government employees are going to brandish weapons and threaten citizens, then citizens have every right to threaten them. Honestly, disarming all government employees would be a big step to a safer American. Only people not employed by the government should be allowed weapons and voting rights.

Yep, if we could only eliminate all those shootings of everyday Americans by government workers (who have the brazenness to go and vote, even!), we'd have a better world. Presumably csmallo would include police in that? Not a problem, because if the police ever had trouble with a violent offender, they could probably get help from the local militia, if they asked nicely.

And finally, just wanted to let all of you in our ugly vile little snark mob know that our buttsex expert from last time, "AhContraire," was very chuffed to have been featured, and this encouraged the charming little droolbag to send us more, even longer letters about buttsex. We will not be running them in full, because the last thing you want to do is encourage someone like AhContraire. And frankly, their amusing thoughts on buttsex are just a tad one-note (that would be a brown note), and are in desperate need of editing. In one comment, AhContraire asks a very novel and unique question which we haven't heard since maybe 1983 or so:

But if a Gay person, KNOWINGLY infects other Gays, wouldn't that be a Gay-On-Gay crime? And wouldn't that be a FELONY? Perhaps 1st or 2nd Degree Murder if they die of AIDS? And considering gays have the highest HIV infection rates, wouldn't that make all these Hate Crimes against GLBT almost insignificant when compared to the number of Gay-On-Gay crimes of knowingly infecting their partners?

AhContraire closed that one with a funny joke!

this is a political satire, "ha-ha", funny blog site. Ok. Gay Love Making doesn't Pro-Create. It Decimates. (via AIDS, cultivating newer recombinant HIV and antibiotic resistant bacteria) "Straight-Love-Making" makes babies. "Gay-Love-Making" makes newer HIV and antibiotic resistant bacteria from fecal material.

Talk about a born sloganeer! And we're impressed with AhContraire's mastery of how antibiotic-resistant bacteria evolve from fecal material -- clearly a graduate of the Tucker Carlson Institute.

AhContraire also wrote a second long comment all about key differences between sexing in "the orifice where #2 objects are expelled from" (a pencil dispenser??) and sexing in "the orifice where babies come from," but it was mostly just tedious. Still, we encourage AhContraire to keep working on their comedy stylings, possibly on a blog of their own, because as of right now, we must apply the Hammer of Loving Correction to their IP address. We realize we may be cutting off a potential source of many big pooper-sexing-themed larffs, but comment moderation is often all about making the tough choices.

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He hopes you people appreciate what he has to trudge through for you.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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