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We've got mail! Or at least we've got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don't especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they've tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol' comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there's justsomething about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably.


For starters, "Grumpyoldmen" agrees that there's something very weird about Don Lemon blaxplaining why child-beating is just peachy, because after all that's how slavemasters instilled discipline. We were at first leaning toward approving this comment from Grumpyoldmen, in fact:

Don Lemon Juice, Seeing that your the self appointed spokesmen for the black community and you and they have been mistreated for so long, answer me this one question. " what can any baby from 6 months to 4 years old do, that is so terrible bad that they need to be beaten with a stick" I was a male single parent with three children to raise from a very young age, and not once did the thought ever enter my mind to beat them or hit them with anything. If one becomes a parent and has to resort to this type of brutal behaviour to discipline anything animal or human you have a very serious mental problem or your just plain mean.

We aren't thrilled with the "you're/your" mixups, and "Don Lemon Juice" is not an especially good insult, but hey, good point about not beating your kids. Nothing there to disqualify Grumpyoldmen. Plus, we liked Walter Matthau a lot. But then things go just a teensy bit off the rails, n'est ce pas?

Which in any case you need to either be put down like a rabbet animal or locked up. There is no way any rational human being can condone this type of behaviour period. Your pathetic explanation of your grandmother sending you out to cut down the stick she was going to beat you with defies any logic. Again how does a 6 month to a 4 year old even accomplish this . Never mind knowing or comprehend what's going on. You and people like you are extremely demented and should never ever be left around children of any age. As far as those gorilla football players are concerned, they're fellow team mates should take them out back and beat the living shit out of them and see how they like it. Then send them all packing minus any money back to a rock quarry where they can be whipped on a regular basis to get they're mind right. What kind of an example are these assholes trying to set, " I get paid 40m a year to catch a rubber ball and beat my year old baby " There is no debating this kind of behaviour, plus as a bonus I'll use my wife/girlfriend as a punching bag. This is just sick sick sick.

Errr, no thank you. We understand you're frustration and anger, but your not going to be commenting hear. Also, too, while we were typing up today's Dear Shitferbrains, Grumpyoldmen submitted the same comment three more times. Dude, here it is, right here!

In a similar vein, our piece on Stephen Colbert's support for Sean Hannity's pro-belting advocacy drew this thing from "cwl1968," which we rejected for a couple of reasons. See if you can guess what they were!

The NFL players in the article below are still playing (except Greg Hardy) even after being arrested for domestic violence... What does this say to our youth?... What does it say about American morals? http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/nfl-controversy/... It is time to tell the nfl that placing greed before the welfare of women and children will not be tolerated in our society (nor will covering up such dispicable acts) ... Boycott the nfl, fox news and all corporations that advertise during nfl games... Do it for your wives... do it for your children... do it for the morality of America. The NFL is a disgrace to America and the human race... A money hungry morally corrupt monopoly played by millionaire wife/ child / animal abusers, rapist, steroid users, murderers and pretty boys who have hung up their jock straps for dresses while trying not to damage their peticures. The NFL (National Felons League) is damaging to the reputation of America and a shameful role model for our youth. It is time for a new football league to emerge so that we can end this morally corrupt experiment called the NFL.

Did you guess? Did you? We bet you did!

Reason Numero Uno: We weren't really all that thrilled about welcoming someone who thinks that "pretty boys who have hung up their jock straps for dresses while trying not to damage their peticures" is a knee-slapping good insult. Reason Numero Two-o: Did you notice how there's nothing in there about Stephen Colbert or Sean Hannity? This message sounded so generic that we did a quick search on "trying not to damage their peticures," and Wah-lah! We found that variations of this important "please boycott the NFL" message had shown up on some 3 dozen blogs that mentioned the NFL. Including some in languages other than English. How do you like that? Concern spam.

And speaking of spam, we don't generally take any notice of it here, mostly because it's annoying and not funny and we seldom have to see more than "Hi! Your article was interesting and pretty! Michael Kors Bags discount!" But there was something rather touching and almost on-topic about this spam message that announced, "WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for ointment." Obviously, this set off a spam alert, because somebody set up us the balm.

As we mentioned the other day, our original draft of this piece got et by WordPress, and so this next one is a bit of a reconstruction job, which is fitting enough given the topic. Some wingnut whose username was a bunch of letters followed by "1776" wanted to set us straight on our scurrilous insults against Ted Cruz's crazy father, who recently reached out to blacks by explaining to them that Republicans did the Civil Rights movement, and Democrats did the KKK. You see, we just didn't have all the facts, so bqhatevwr1776 sent us to go find the TRUTH:

If you want the true history, check out this article at the Craig Bushon Show.

And so we did! You will probably guess what we found: Yet another list of all the Bad Stuff that southern Democrats did from the end of the Civil War to 1964, such as:

  • Every segregationist who ever served in the Senate was a Democrat
  • The Republican Party was founded for the express purpose of opposing slavery
  • It was Republicans who passed the Thirteenth Amendment, granting slaves citizenship; and Fifteenth Amendment, giving them the right to vote
  • It was Republicans who sent federal troops to the Democratic south to enforce the hard-won rights of the freed slaves
  • The Ku Klux Klan was originally formed as a terrorist group to attack Republicans who had come to the Democratic South after the Civil War to help enforce legal equality for free slaves

And so on. This is pretty intellectual stuff! You racist liberals had better not respond to the first item by mentioning Republicans Jesse Helms or Strom Thurmond, either, because Thurmond started out as a Democrat, and by the time Helms was elected to the Senate, segregation was over so he couldn't be a segregationist anymore. Shut up.

Further, you should not pay too much to the actual contents of the Reconstruction Amendments or nitpick about things like how the 13th Amendment actually abolished slavery, and it was the 14th Amendment that made former slaves citizens. Wingnuts don't much care for the 14th Amendment since it also meant -- as interpreted by degenerate federal courts, at least -- that states couldn't establish religions and we had to allow anchor babies, so shut up again.

Obviously, there is literally nothing on this "true history" page about the two parties' positions on civil rights, affirmative action, or voting rights after 1964. No need to, since even after then, Republicans remain the true party of the civil rights movement.

We received a couple of delayed reactions to older posts, too, like this note from "bpster" about a March story in which Jerry Brown harshed our mellow by opposing legalizing the gentle herb (no, not basil). Bpster sees right through Jerry Brown's opposition to marijuana, and has this very logical thought about why:

SO that's why he wants all the illegals so he can get his supply of free cocaine....Yeah sell the California citizens to the Mexican drug cartel......Get this man in prison now!

And now you know... the rest of the story!

Another throwback, this time to a January story about how Swiffer cleaning products angered racist morons by depicting an interracial family. We honestly can't figure out why that topic inspired this comment from "Rhonda Jenkins;" maybe she was replying to another comment (which we don't allow)? In any case, she's full of anger at the corruption in the system, and probably smarter than us because we are Swiffer-snorting sheeple:

That's because neither the Republicans or your beloved gods the Democrats dare expose their contributers (pharmaceutical chemical and chemicals in foods companies) as the greedy murderous monsters that they are. Face it. Politicians on both sides are in bed with the aforementioned psychos and they are who really banks on the entire welfare system whether it's food stamps or medical care.

Everyone's a crook! And Swiffers are probably part of the problem too! Don't buy anything! (Yr. Doktor Zoom relies on an old Kirby vacuum cleaner he got at a yard sale, so he doesn't have a dog in this fight. Please don't tell him that Kirby dust bags are made by Koch Industries, OK?)

A comment on the "Not our kids! Not our problem!" border protest lady from August drew this very important correction from "SUPPORTCONST," who apparently is a big supporter of construction paper. A few people said that he lady's US-flag-patterned top seemed to disrespect the flag, since the US Code says that Old Glory should not be made into an article of clothing:

Know what you're talking about before posting please. She's not wearing a "FLAG". She's wearing apparel that is made to LOOK like a flag, NOT an ACTUAL flag. She didn't cut a real flag and make it into a shirt, which the US Code is actually referring to.

That important business taken care of, SUPPORTCONST had nothing to say about the actual content of the article, which was about how between five and ten of the first 42 Honduran children deported from the USA had been murdered after returning to their homeland. But now you have some important knowledge about flag-patterned clothing.

And finally, there's this, from "fubish999," who seems displeased for some reason:

Stop already with the dumb John Oliver videos! Jesus!

This is scary -- obviously, ISIS infiltrators have already made it to the homeland, and are forcing decent US Americans to watch every video we post here regardless of whether they like it.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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