It has been a quiet week in our woebegone comments queue. Obviously, we're not being outrageous enough; we'll work on that. Fortunately, an older post attracted the attention of a reader who wanted to let us know that our understanding of the Old South is seriously skewed. In response to a piece we did back in July when Rush Limbaugh said that white people havenever gotten sufficient credit for the awesome job they did of ending slavery, would-be commenter "sonyammmsavoy" added that Limbaugh has only scratched the surface, because the biggest victims of slavery were actually the whites (all spelling and punctuation guaranteed verbatim -- nothing added, nothing corrected):

Whites pick cotton side by side with the blacks and blacks were treated better then the whites the slave master good afford to kill us because whites slaves were cheaper so they didn't mind beating whites and were were made to sleep outside and the blacks got the slave quarters .

We didn't know half of that stuff, possibly because we have never read the seminal work American History As Pulled Out of This One Guy's Ass. And if you think that was something, check out sonyammmsavoy's astonishing truths about the ugly history of rape and slavery (spoiler alert: whites become the victims).

You should throw away all that politically correct "history" that says white slave owners raped their slaves. This is due to one simple science fact: African women are too ugly for white men to fuck.

and it was the white people that got rape but not only by slave master but by the black slave that why they had light skin blacks mutlatto they did THEY DIDN'T RAPE THE BLACK DARK WOMEN THEN BUT WHEN THE WHITE SLAVE WOMEN STARTED HAVING matlattos THAT when they started to rape the 1/2 black and white slaves they just found black women to ugly to rape.but was crazy for them maltlatto slaves.

Also, hats off to FakaktaSouth, who could only say, when we shared this in the Sekrit Wonkette Chat Cave, "I am a white lady, but I am sadly bereft of any matlattos. They got them at Starbucks?"

Finally, sonyammmsavoy remembered another detail from the Genuine True History of the Whites:

oh I forgot this part the let the black overseeerwhip the white slaves you remember in the history books they didn't say much about the black over see er they said they had them to whip the slaves to pit black against each other they could have that going on quarters because the black would kill each other .

No idea what that last sentence is supposed to mean, because we are not fluent in Idiot. We think that sonyammmsavoy is trying to debunk something there?

But wait! There's more! Sonyammmsavoy remembered some additional injustices suffered by the whites, by golly. We're especially impressed by that editorial "us" in the first line, since it gives the impression that sonyammmsavoy may have actually ridden with George Armstrong Custer:

And I don't know why Indians bitch about us winning north American they would fight other Indians tribes for land and they did have slaves to.every race has fought for land that how it was back then so everybody can get over it.and in new Orleans the French from France not the Cajuns marry the malattoo so we didn't have racism till the civil war. and out of Africa has been debunk a bunch afrocentric bull shit just lik book roots liesssss

We aren't sure why sonyammmsavoy has such animus against Isak Dinesen, really. Or maybe he's just saying Meryl Streep's accent sounded fake.

Also, there was no racism until the Civil War. This is pretty well documented, actually. And also, too, "malattoo" would make a good name for a planet in Star Wars.

We also got an incredibly long nitpick from "Bradfdx" in response to our piece on's post-shutdown petition calling for House Republicans to be charged with sedition. Bradfdx threw the book at us, and it was the American Heritage Dictionary:

You've conflated two questions here: (1) The question of whether this is a good idea; and (2) The question of whether they're guilty of sedition. As you pointed out, this is not a good idea. It's a waste of time, would bring about more Hitler comparisons for Obama, and would make Boehner and Cantor into martyrs. That said, don't confuse sedition with treason. They are not the same thing. From Wikipedia: "Sedition is the stirring up of rebellion against the government in power. Treason is the violation of allegiance to one's sovereign or state, giving aid to enemies, or levying war against one's state. Sedition is encouraging one's fellow citizens to rebel against their state, whereas treason is actually betraying one's country by aiding and abetting another state. Sedition laws somewhat equate to terrorism and public order laws."

That's only about half the comment. We were tempted to approve the comment, what with Bradfdx being a nice librul who doesn't think much of Boehner and Cantor, but ultimately, Bradfdx was exiled to Outer Deletia for being a big ol' nitpicking bore. At least in this comment. Tell you what, Bradfdx -- bring the funny next time, keep your comment to under 150 words, and we'll give you a shot. (We're also much more tolerant of nitpicking from people we already know and love/tolerate -- especially if it's about something important, like Star Trek technobabble.

And finally, we were impressed by some hand-crafted artisanal spam that showed up as a comment to a 2010 piece about Hamid Karzai and his alleged heroin addiction. Instead of the usual "Reebok bargain shoe discount Viagra online generic pharmacy" crap, this bit of linkbait was actually crafted as a sort-of response to the article. We think a human may have written it -- the email is "webmaster@[redacted treatment center name]" -- or the spambot AIs are starting to become self-aware, and we are all in BIG trouble:

Have we not learned from our medling where we shouldn't be. When we supported Karzai, this should have come out BEFORE we supported calling now, just keeps the wounds open. He will find a heroin treatment program when he is good and ready, just don't trust him in the meantime.

And of course, "heroin treatment program" is a link to a particular treatment program that would very much like you to learn about their services. So is this just some dude googling "heroin addict" and adding link-bearing comments to whatever comes up, or a very smart bot? We invite your speculation and trembling fear of our coming spambot overlords.

That's all for now, and we're off for a refreshing iced matlatto.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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