Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Guys Aren't Funny. Check Out Some Funny Conservative Satire

Time for more sludge from our comments queue, and we'll have you know it was no easy task hosing off our keyboard after this visit. First up, a note from "NasalVacuum," who we assume must be former Florida Rep. Trey Radel. NasalVacuum was not impressed with our little mommyblog, recipe trading post, and clopfic nexus; and was particularly disappointed by our story last week about the clinical psychologist who's obsessed with Sandra Fluke's totalitarian vagina. Problem is, it just wasn't FUNNY. Here is NasalVacuum's objective assessment:

Yikes! This is what passes for writing on Wonkette? Just awful. The writer might want to look at the Daily Rash and learn a few things about satire and humor. This tripe was painful to read and I didn't even get to the end without screaming. But I'm a nice person so here's a link to real satire and I wish you the best. No, really.

The email closed with a link to hilarious conservative fake-news site The Daily Rash, whose top story right now is (hope you're sitting down) this bit of inspired whimsy: "Al Qaeda Jihad Magazine ‘Inspire’ Publishes Its First Swimsuit Issue." Get it? It's funny, 'cause radical Muslims make ladies wear burqas!

The linked satire also imagines Sandra Fluke protesting the imaginary al Qaeda swimsuit issue and shouting

"You tell your jihadist it’s a two way street, fella. If you wanna crawl on my body like a maggot on a piece of tainted meat, you better provide me free birth control, abortions and equal pay in the boardroom. Only then will shenanigans be a possible consideration in the bedroom.”

Now THAT, folks, is how you do satire about that slut Sandra Fluke! Four minutes after pointing us to The Daily Rash (which doesn't actually update daily -- that is a humorous reversal of expectations, too), Nasal Vacuum sent a sober follow-up chastisement:

I just got the message that my comment must be approved before its posted. Which of course means it will never be posted. I can imagine the "conference room" at Wonkette, all the meat puppets with their gallon sized Starbucks cups .... each one thinking that they've "made it" in the progressive world of no-talent foot soldiers. Oh yeah!

Hahaha, "conference room"! You have no idea, former Rep. Radel! We actually work at home and brew our own free-trade coffee, grown by syndicalist lesbians on a Nicaraguan commune and taken to market in a Prius modified to run on organic soy oil. On the other hand, we posted your comment far more prominently than if we'd just approved it, so we guess you showed us!

Our piece on the Ladies' Auxiliary of the Men's Rights Movement was definitely not appreciated by Battlestar Galactica fan "pegasusactual," who wants us to know that we are just terrible for making fun of the poor oppressed MRAs, because feminism is the WRONG TOOL to address rape. This is because feminists hate men:

You're not the good guys. 1 in 6 males is sexually abused before age 18. 1 in 5 males is sexually assaulted. As many as 1 in 3 lesbians may be sexually assaulted by another lesbian. Feminists blame the patriarchy for rape. Its supposed to be a tool of oppression that men use to subjugate them so they perpetuate they idea that rape is something men do to women and not something women do to women or men. If a male rape victim wants to march in a take back the night rally then too bad. Its a "safe space for women". Because to them rape is about women.

The full message is much longer, but in a similar vein. Obviously, the solution is not to broaden discussions of sexual assault to include all victims, but instead for feminists to shut up because feminism just blames men for everything, when in fact rape is just something that everybody does, as several carefully-cherry-picked statistics prove!

Our piece on how Ronald Reagan was much manlier than Barack Obama in his manly response to an airliner getting shot down (except for the time America shot one down) got a couple of attempted comments from "dielectric1," who appears to me a Hegelian electrician. They did not care for our partisan lies, and said so in two comments that we quote in their entirety:

  • So this is where all the liberal trolls meet on the internet... Nothin but a bunch of 0bbbbaaaaaaammaaaaaa sheeple
  • You wouldn't know a "fact" if it punched you in the head

Boy, did they ever set us straight!

The same piece also inspired "apstore12" to ask a very important question to prove that we were merely stirring up trouble by mentioning the 1988 shooting down of an Iranian airliner by the USS Vincennes:

"Strangely unmentioned by either Fox or Media Matters was that one time in 1988 when America shot down an Iranian airliner, killing 290 people." Can I ask what media outlet was mentioning it??? I'm just getting the feeling more and more this is just a pander story for people to conjure up more hate. Seems to be working by the looks of the comments.

What media outlets mentioned it? Besides the Washington Post, which we linked to in our article itself, quite a few! Heck, a person could even look that up!

Our piece about the Shasta County Board of Supervisors' shortsighted attempt to placate believers in "chemtrails" by giving them a hearing wasn't well-received by a couple of readers, who just wanted us to know that we need to be a lot more open-minded when it comes to pseudoscientific wackaloon conspiracy theories. "CUSpacecowboy" (who is henceforth banned from liking Cowboy Bebop anymore, ever), just wants us to know that there are a lot of strange things out there, so chemtrails are probably real, QED:

The gov't doing chemtrails really isn't a stretch if you look back in history, in 1994 in Oakville, Washington a jello like blob substance fell from the sky that contained human white corpusles, a iron like substance, and some virulant bacteria that has made people sick when touched -- Black Helicopters were sighted in the Oakville area before rain storms brought the fall of the unknown substance, and in the 1950’s and 60’s the CIA secretly dosed unwitting Americans with LSD to test the effects -– in one instance they slipped it into a U.S. Marshal’s drink and he held up a San Francisco bar and killed someone while high on acid that he didn’t know he took, just look up the MK-ULTRA program. And yes these are documented cases not just conspiracy cases.

Do your own research, sheeple! It is a scary and dangerous world out there, and the Government is hiding their unspeakable crimes. Look to the skies! (But wear swim goggles.)

We also heard from "Windy," who knows that since "cloud seeding" is real, then obviously so are chemtrails, duh, but "global warming" is totes fake, because a website says so:

For a moment, we wondered if Windy was trying to sell us some silver oxide, but eventually we figured out that she or he thinks that it must be what the chemtrail planes are spraying, since the chemical supply website they link to three times lists these uses for silver oxide:

As a Carbon Dioxide Scrubber:

Nuclear Submarines use Silver Oxide to scrub Carbon Dioxide from their air.

The International Space Station uses Silver Oxide to scrub Carbon Dioxide from their air.

The Space Shuttle uses Silver Oxide to scrub Carbon Dioxide from their air.

Science puzzle question! What is the difference between those three locations and the Great Big Atmosphere? We will let you puzzle that one out for yourselves! Windy's deep science thinking reminds us of the kid at a presentation on AIDS who reasoned that if intravenous drug users are urged to clean their works with a bleach solution, then maybe doctors should inject AIDS patients with bleach, since it kills the virus. Then again, the kid was 13 and blushed when the presenter explained the flaw in her reasoning, while Windy is presumably an adult who should be able to recognize the difference between "a small airtight area" and "Earth's entire goddamn atmosphere."

If you need an example of why we have rules for commenting radicals, please see this note from "Joefreedomfries," who is welcome to comment at Wonket in the future, but not like this. In response to the open carry maroons in Dealy Plaza, Joefreedomfries wrote,

I can't believe I am writing this, but it would be such a delicious irony to have some sniper pop this clown's crown open like a cantaloupe while he is insisting that NOONE will ever take his guns away. Maybe best from his cold dead hand. I don't advocate violence or wish ill on anyone, including these Nobel nominees, but to catch that on a modern day Zapruder almost calls for a one time exemption

Actually, no. We don't do that. The only exploding heads we want to see in our comments are the ones whose owners can't handle watching Scanners.

And finally, some good old You-Need-To Write-About-What-I-Think-Is-Important-Or-You're-Bad-Progressives shaming from "cheriezees," who tweeted or emailed Yr Editrix directly, and also left this comment on an unrelated post by Rebecca to shame us -- or her, specifically -- into writing a blog that cheriezees would write, not the blog that we actually do write:

Forgive me for contacting you here. I promise it will be the last time I bother you. I know fuck all about what you think about Israel because you've said fuck all about what you think about Israel. Of course you're free to think whatever you want, but whatever it is, you've chosen not to say anything, not to make fun of the media, not to make fun of right-wingers on this issue, not to make fun of Netanyahu. So I can only conclude that you either aren't progressive on this issue, or you don't care enough to say dick about it. I'm one of those stupid liberals who thinks if you know a horrible crime is being committed, and you have a huge platform, you're just a smidge complicit if you say nothing. As I said, it makes me sad, and that's it. It makes me sad. I included a link to Jewish Voice for Peace almost as an afterthought because I realize it's a difficult issue for a lot of Jews, and I sympathize with that. I thought you might feel better or something that you wouldn't be alone. I don't know what I thought. I barely knew for sure if you were Jewish. I grew up in one of the flyovers, I'm not that familiar with Jewish names. I thought probably, but I wasn't sure. I definitely would have said the exact same thing to you if you weren't, I just wouldn't have included the link

Note also the deft deployment of Ethnic Solidarity, too: "What kind of Jew are you, if you are even a Jew at all, you?" While Yr Doktor Zoom is neither Rebecca nor Jewish, we are pleased to summarize our best recollection of the chatcave conversation on this very topic: We're not covering it because it's not fucking funny and the political leaders on both sides are fucking terrible (though not equally armed with horrible weapons), as are lots of both populations, not that anyone deserves to be blown up. In any case, we are sorry that our complicity makes you sad. If only we were to write something passionate or snarky about Gaza, we'd probably be able to make the bombing stop. You want jaded? There's jaded for you. We are firmly on the "Don't blow up children" side, but when it comes to the Israel/Palestine conflict, we also tend to think Kurt Vonnegut had it right on the Role of the Artist in Responding to Vietnam: The artists, like coal-mine canaries, all "chirped and keeled over. But it made no difference whatsoever. Nobody important cared." On the other hand, maybe we can help keep some Detroit residents' water on. So it goes.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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