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We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason -- our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars -- add your own punchline.

Our piece on a brilliant proposal to cut food stamps for any family whose kids took part in the Baltimore protests moved several people to offer their thoughts on why anyone needs food assistance anyway. Our star commenter on that topic was "ND," who had a lot of data to share, based on his trips to Food Lion. ND took particular exception to our use of "starve the poors" in the headline, because, after, all, nobody in America starves, not really, so no one needs food assistance:

Have you seen a starving black person?

I shop at a Food Lion in my hood and I can comfortably say at least 90% of the black people I see shopping there are using food stamps and easily 95% of them are overweight and heading quickly towards morbid obesity. This isn't something I read, I see it every day.

Plus, now you're allowed to use "food stamps" to buy anything except alcohol or cigarettes, which they always seem to have the cash for.

I could prove this in a heartbeat, sorry it doesn't fit your "victim" narrative. Of course when I did prove it, I'd probably be accused of being a Klansman.

Look, ND, you're the one who says he goes shopping in your "hood," not us.

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ND has really given this matter a whole lot of thought, and has just had it with black people getting a free ride to obesity:

Starving? Really? A "starving", "poor" black person? In the United States? Please, absolutely anyone, post a picture of a "starving", "poor" black person in the United States. You'd be lucky to find one that wasn't horrifically overweight.

Rand Paul's right on the money. They have kids they can't afford, don't bother to raise, and they predictably grow up to be, at best useless, or worse the kind of idiot that burns a store down in their own neighborhood.

Subsidized rent, WIC, free cable, Obamacare, this new "free" community college nonsense. Yeah, they have it real rough.

How about a little personal accountability?

The "free cable" was a new one for us -- Is there a wingnut meme about ObamaCable that we missed? Also, ND wants us to know that while there are more whites receiving SNAP than blacks, that's only because "there are more white people than blacks. Do you really not get that?" And yet apparently the white people on food stamps aren't the problem, because they aren't "screaming 'unfair' every time one of their criminal heroes went down in flames." It's a complicated issue, you see, but there's just something about The Blacks that makes them much worse than poor whites. For instance, ND suggests that if we want to understand why there are so many stereotypes about The Blacks, all we need to do is look at the Internet:

Search "fight at shoe store" on Youtube. Happens way more than you think. And they're dumb enough to record it.

Happily, ND is definitely not just spouting a lot of racist stereotypes, because he can think of at least one black person who never rioted, unlike all the rest of them:

Paul Robeson would vomit if he saw what today's black people have done with the progress he and other real men made. Doubt he'd be smashing in cop cars' windshields.

Yes, that's a rightwing nutjob holding up Paul Robeson, Known Socialist, as a role model for The Blacks. Maybe all ND knows about Robeson was that he advocated getting ahead in life by totin' barges and liftin' bales. But the real scandal about food stamps is quite simple: Nobody in America is truly poor, because color TVs and "free cable," and "Food stamps aren't saving them from starvation, they're saving them from trying harder."

It would be very wrong of us to wish that a cartoon balloon of ND's comments might magically float above his head next time he goes to the Food Lion and silently seethes at all the moochers buying ramen noodles, wouldn't it?

The same piece also inspired Thoughts on Self-Sufficiency from "Ray Liptak," who had "no thoughts on Freddie Gray" or the protests in Baltimore, but could certainly get on board with the idea of "cutting off food stamps and welfare to all races" because "I'd prefer only helping those willing to help themselves." For instance, maybe instead of buying high-calorie but nutrient-poor processed foods, all the poors would then be inspired to grow their own healthy food instead:

If the poor chose a lifestyle of growing their own food and, in Appalachia at least where it would be a viable option, hunting they could eat nutritious food at a fraction of the cost of store bought garbage. That, however, would require them to put forth an effort.

Appalachia is a pretty fertile country. They could grow vegetable gardens, but do they do that?

A few out-of-touch liberals noted that for people already working minimum-wage jobs, going out to till the garden plot after a shift at McDonalds (and maybe a bus ride) may not be a realistic option, to which Ray replied that they were being awfully condescending to the poors, who are surely capable of handling a hoe:

I think you're really being a dick head to suggest people down on their luck couldn't put forth the effort to do something both positive and helpful for themselves. Youre basically saying that you dont think they would be capable if it which is both offensive and demeaning. I work at a job that requires me to provide service ay all the cmha public housing buildings and I know for a fact that almost all of those projects have community gardens. How do you picture poor people? As just sitting in a gutter dangling their hands between their legs all day? My impression is that you're likely a middle class internet warrior that hasn't spent a second among the poor of your city and wouldn't do it if you were paid to. You have plenty of what you feel to be compassion as long as you can have it from a safe distance.

We like the no, you're the racist stereotyper dickhead! game a lot, but we don't think we want to play. In contrast to ND, Ray seemed more clueless than anything: if only the poors would just go out and grow enough zucchini to put food on their families every day, we could eliminate food stamps altogether.

Also, too, we really need to get that crowdsourced Wonkette Glossary put together, since both ND and Ray spent far too much of their brief time here arguing over whether "Moran" is a misspelling.

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The death of Freddie Gray in the back of a police van -- and the speculation that maybe he managed to sever his own damn spine out of spite, simply to make police look bad, maybe -- inspired "nyctuber" to weigh in with some first-class cop-defending, because if people are going to insist on being habitual petty criminals, no one should be too surprised when police have to go and kill one now and then:

  • I'd say his past had a lot of bearing on the fact that when you keep getting arrested you're putting yourself in a position where cops might lose their patience. They're Human as well. I seriously doubt they intentionally broke his spine.
  • I place partial responsibility on a man who routinely broke the law and got arrested dozens of times. You're free to disagree.
  • Deserved, no. Get arrested two dozen times, there comes a point where you take some of the blame for bad shit going down.
  • If their police department is dealing with a lot of guys like this guy, who get arrested dozens of times and just keep doing it, it doesn't surprise me that there are deaths. Everything's PC now though, and everyone's a victim

Look, he's not saying he thinks Gray deserved to die or anything, but since police are only Human and occasionally commit manslaughter by turning the back of a paddy wagon into a Cuisinart for spines, nyctuber is merely pointing out that you're merely increasing your odds of getting yourself killed if you do a lot of little crimes. It's like a frequent-shopper card -- after your tenth minor infraction, you win an impromptu execution.

Also, explained nyctuber, we'd better think twice before prosecuting cops who murder people in their custody, because "Eventually it won't be worth it for cops to do their job at all. That should work out great." Can't argue with that -- if we expect cops to do their jobs without snapping a few human spines now and then, then maybe the cops will just up and quit, and then where would we be, huh?

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For a refreshing change of topic from murdery cops and the poors who need to stop eating if they object to that sort of thing, we also received some thoughts on Teh Ghey in reply to our piece on Josh Duggar and his not-at-all-uninformed comments about how Brazil is the only other country with marriage equality, and also aren't fundamental rights supposed to be voted on by majorities? "Tracy Lynn" shared a couple of longish comments about how Jebus made her Not Ghey anymore. She started by apologizing for what may seem like mean-spiritedness from Christians toward You Gays, but explains that it's all motivated by love, and that the only reason some of you went gay is because you are deeply damaged human beings who just need to look deeper and see how your parents fuck you up, they do:

There are many hurting people out there trapped in the "born gay cause I've always felt that way" belief system. And some of us have been treated like trash due to perhaps (?) well-meaning Christians who are trying to display tough love [...]

Just let me say that it's a trapped identity that some have cause of pain. There are always roots to this. You may not recognize them or you may think they're simple. Some have been there since you were a kid. They typically don't develop overnight. Mine were deep from childhood. I've known a few friends who were abused and some who weren't. Everyone's story is different. But typically if you delve into your own background there are clues that led you to feel this way.

A LOT of times there is pain in childhood and a person turns to the same sex for comfort.

It's not much different than turning to alcohol or food for comfort.

See, if you just got some therapy, you could figure out why you ended up all gay and stuff, and stop loving people who Jesus doesn't want you to love! Here's how it worked for Tracy:

You aren't born gay. But that's not the point. We are all born sinners who need a Savior. Whatever that particular sin(s) doesn't matter....Jesus wants everyone to admit it and repent and come to Him.

For those of you who don't understand or are blinded....I wish I could show you my messed up life and the pain I'm in.

At one point I repented and turned away from the gay lifestyle...which can only be done with His help and His Grace.

Unfortunately I missed a turn somewhere and ended up depressed and with a lot of mixed up theology from a famous televangelist.

But I really do blame myself for not understanding the true message.

For a gay person who repents and Jesus can take away the sexual feelings for the same sex ...BUT... He does not put sexual lust into you for the opposite.

And as far as the emotional aspect...we should go to Him with our emotional needs! He may provide another non-sexual relationship to help you grow and become strong.

I learned this too LATE. BUT I pray it's not too late for others out there. I pray God open your eyes to the truth and give you good solid Christian friends who will stick by you and help you grow.

So, look, you gays, all you need is some Jesus, but just make sure you don't repeat Tracy's mistake and listen to the wrong televangelist, or you might get depressed, but then once you start mainlining Jesus, you'll be so happy that you'll write comments on Wonkette explaining how to stop being so miserable and gay, even if you don't think you're miserable, because how could anyone who's not high on a Jebus trip be truly happy? Also, kudos to Tracy for her helpful call for Christians to "stop hating on gays and start praying for God to release their bondage," because maybe they'll do that quietly and not all over the comments section.

Still, we'll take Tracy any day over "Normal1," who has figured out why some people just don't seem to like the Duggars: Because they're so very happy, and the gheys are actually miserable and jealous, as proved by their weird twisted desire to act as if their homosexing is a REAL relationship:

To all you haters of his large family, y'all are just mad because fucking your boyfriend in the asshole didn't give you any babies!

To all you lovers of gay marriage, y'all just want it because you are jealous of us, perfectly normal straight people who have something called a w-e-d-d-i-n-g, and you want it so you don't feel as fucked up as you really are!

And what a cheap shot wonkette.com at his used car dealing, you probably make your illegal money by making tranvestites in your garage!

Why don't you leave us normal people out of your life?

We feel right bad about forcing Normal1 to read our blog, and promise to never do that again. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to wrap this column up and get back to the garage -- those "tranvestites" aren't going to make themselves, after all.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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