Today, an abbreviated Dear Shitferbrains, seeing as how Yr Doktor Zoom has Ebola again and also needs to do his taxes like the rest of the One Percent. Not surprisingly, we heard from a lot of butthurt Rand Paul fans this week, most of whom wanted to point out that a journalist's job is to ask a question and then write down the answers, and not to keep asking her question when Rand Paul interrupts her to tell her that her question is not a good one. "John 440" was simply aghast that we would even write about such a non-news moment:

Can you leftists go five minutes without accusing someone of something? You're awful mouthy for being career victims.

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He was back a little later with a more incisive reply, and a prediction that Rand Paul has already won:

Did I stumble into the twilight zone? Does anyone really believe that this alleged journalist was trying to conduct an interview? No, she was trying to tell Mr. Paul what he believes rather than asking him, and he essentially told her to shove it up her can. As for those who believe Hillary's act will resonate with the American public, please. Imagine a menstruating Yoko Ono singing in concert with a fleet of recently castrated hyenas accompanied by nails down a blackboard. There's the raw appeal of the screechy Over-the-Hillary. Might as well gift wrap the presidency for the oh-so-Right.

Yeah, don't you liberals know that it is unfair to ask a politician to explain the difference between apparently contradictory statements he has made at different times? That's just putting words in his mouth, even though they do happen to be his own words. No fair! Also, Hillary Clinton is a screechy old bitch, so Rand wins!

Not that this had anything to do with sexism, you morons, since as "Tim Connelly" -- who we used to love when he did those "Mr. Tudball" sketches with "Mrs. Ha-wiggins" -- explains, Rand Paul smacks down impertinent men, also, too. Besides, journalists are the real offenders, since they never dare ask questions of The One:

Maybe if they could act like journalists, he wouldn't have to call them out. Nice try to make this a sexism issue, but he calls out men all the time for the same thing. At the same time Guthrie was trying to lecture Paul and not let him actually answer a question regarding his positions, Obama was holding court and the reporters were just hanging on every golden word. Wow.

We know that when Tim Connelly said "at the same time" he didn't actually mean "at the same time," considering that on the morning of April 8, when Guthrie was getting Randsplained at about her job, Barack Obama wasn't holding a press conference. That's not the point. But Tim Connelly believes that nobody's everinterrupted the president during an interview, so the double standard is just shocking.

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We also had a whole bunch of derp Saturday from one "Sarah L." who didn't care much for The Liberals in general, and took exception to our weekend piece about The Chosen One shooting gay rainbows all over Jamaica. The actual content of the argument -- if there even was one; we couldn't tell -- sort of got lost after someone called Sarah "stupid," which was not nice, but then things got sillier when Sarah made the worst mistake you can ever make on the interwebs: trying to disprove the claim that you are "not smart." No, children, that is a losing proposition, regardless of one's politics. It is as hopeless as trying to refute the assertion that you're not funny. Just let it go, or you will end up saying stuff like this:

• I still challenge you and your friend, and the other 2 or 3 that said I was stupid, etc. I know for a fact I am smarter.
• I will put my education, degrees, GPA, ACT, professional designation & salary up against yours anyday

But then it somehow became important to prove that conservatives are just plain happier, more well-adjusted people than liberals are:

• Also, did you know that liberals have been studied and shown to be very miserable people- especially compared to conservstives. That's part of the reason for narcissistic, combative/defensive demeanor.
• Look at college campuses as an example - all the protesting and outrages and the comment boards show misery loves company. Consertavives are shown to be more civil and kinder, and less selfish- a sign of happiness
• False statement about happiness- it's actually true. And I've never met a happy liberal -- never. There are reasons given as to why they are miserable too, makes total sense.

Oh dear, no. That will not do. As everyone knows, studies have shown that people who make sweeping generalizations are more likely to be conservative, after all. Also, something something Hitler. One generalization that probably does hold up fairly well: the angrier you are about someone calling you dumb, the more likely you are to type without proofreading. (Important confession: If one is Yr. Doktor Zoom, then one's typing skills have largely been a matter of pure random chance since college.)

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Our story on Barack Obama murdering all the Christians by pointing out that not all Christians live up to Christ's example -- a group which he acknowledged he fell into as well, in keeping with the fairly well-established Christian principle that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" -- drew this careful analysis from one "Abraham Yeshuratnam," who just wanted to clarify that Barack Obama has no business claiming to be a Christian at all, what with being a sekrit Muslim and all:

Whenever Muslim terrorists indulge in savage acts, Obama will romanticize their barbarism by making oblique remarks against Christianity. He cited Crusades when Muslims beheaded and immolated and raped innocent civilians. Here in the Kenyan massacre of innocent Christian students by Muslims, he has used that opportunity to make derisive remarks against Christianity. Although his comparisons are irrelevant and ridiculous, he gets sadistic satisfaction that he has indirectly justified Muslim barbarism by making caustic remarks against Christianity. He just cannot come out of his Muslim bearings. In the 2009 Cairo speech he attempted to install a Muslim Brotherhood, super-radical regime in Egypt. Egypt very nearly dissolved into chaos and bankruptcy as a result, only saved at the eleventh hour by the brilliant and brave El Sisi. In Iran also he is using nuclear deal as a facade to lift sanctions to make Iran a super power in the Middle East. From Pharaoh to Obama, Jews have been subjected to harassment, persecution (Hitler' Holocaust), but history shows that all these enemies have to bite the dust.

Yes, "the brilliant and brave [General] al-Sisi." Who likes to disappear political opponents, but isn't a Muslim. Or is a Muslim, but not the bad kind. But all kinds are bad. Whatever, shut up.

We sort of wonder if these folks go quite as ballistic whenever they see one of those Christian-bashing bumper stickers that say "Christians aren't perfect...just forgiven!" How dare the bumper sticker attack Christians like that!

The same post also got a slightly less detailed rebuttal from one "Ricardo Hotatio," who included a link to conclusive proof that Obama is definitely the most Muslimy Muslim that ever Muslimmed ... and at an EASTER PRAYER BREAKFAST, no less!

This Muslim crook is running the United States of America, what kind of idiots are you? http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2015/02/rebutting_snopes_on_obamas_muslim_gang_sign.html

We had somehow missed this brilliant defense of the great "Obama has a Muslim index finger" controversy, which carefully explains that no, other politicians pointing with their index fingers doesn't disprove that Obama was throwing Muslim gang signs, because when you read his lips just after he lowers his hand, he's clearly whispering "Allahu Akbar," according to some loon on the very respectable website "American Thinker," where everyone moves their lips while they read.

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And finally, from our "At Least You Were Concise" drawer, where comments tend to be shorter than the headlines of the pieces they reply to, we have "Mr. Poitier," who didn't like our piece about the public health consequences of global warming:

Doktor Zoom and Obama are phuccking idiots

As Tallulah Bankhead reportedly said to Norman Mailer, "Oh, so you're the young man that doesn't know how to spell 'fuck.'" Just a note to trolls: You can say "fuck" here, you delicate things. Just not for long. But it won't be the fuck-word that wins you a tap from the Banhammer of Loving Correction.

And also from the same drawer, there's this, from "JD 101," on Rand Paul’s Terrible Horrible Totally F*cked Up Day,

Is this website owned by Hitlery Clintoon?

It's going to be a long, long 19 months until the election, isn't it?