'Democrat' Jim Webb Drops 'Democrat' Charade, Will Definitely Be President Now

Fuck. This. Guy.

Reagan fanboy and slave-holder sympathizer Jim Webb has decided to see himself out of the Big Blue Tent in which, let's face it, he never really belonged. The pretend Democratic presidential candidate polling at negative eleventeen percent, with zero dollars and even less appeal, announced on Tuesday that he will no longer be running as a Democrat because you know what? Fuck you, Democrats, he doesn't need you. But that doesn't mean he's done pretending he might be president one day. Oh no. He's just going to look into running as an openly Not Democrat.

"Well, we intend to spend the next couple weeks talking to people," he said, "people I have not felt comfortable talking with as a Democratic candidate." Like Republicans? Pretty sure he means Republicans.

Webb also claimed there are throngs of Americans out there who've assured him he will have their vote if he runs "outside of the party." You mean, Republicans?

Freed from the restraints of running as a "Democrat," Webb is certain the support will come rushing in.

"I have no doubt if I ran as an independent, we would have significant financial help." From whom, Jim? "People."

And that is why no other candidates will be receiving the coveted Jim Webb endorsement. Because he's going to win this thing, all on his own, without any party support whatsoever. If the Republicans choose Donald Trump, and the Democrats choose Hillary Clinton, no problem: "I honestly could see us beating both of them."

Asked by a reporter who was somehow able to keep a straight face whether Webb is concerned that an independent run would help elect a Republican, Webb said (with his eyes), "Hahaha, fuck no," because if the Democrats were so concerned about a Republican setting foot in the Oval Office again, CNN's Anderson Cooper should have given him more talk time at the Democratic debate, instead of letting "her" do all the talking.

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The problem, according to Webb, is that the "leading candidate" got twice as much time to talk as he did. Which, to be honest, is incredibly generous to Webb, given that the leading candidate whose name we dare not say (it is Hillary Clinton) is polling at, oh, about 50 points higher than Webb.

The problem, Webb insisted, is not that he is a terrible awful piece of shit garbage person and nobody likes him. No, it's that the "hierarchy" of the Democratic Party is rigged to favor the "dominance of one candidate," a certain you-know-who, and those mean Democrats don't care for outsiders whose ideology does not fit exactly within the party's platform. Which obviously obligated an enterprising reporter to ask, "Oh yeah? Then how come socialist Bernie Sanders is doing pretty good, huh?"

Webb said that Bernie is a real good pal of his, and no offense to Bernie, but it's like how Jim told him at the debate: "Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski, the bums lost!” Terrific non-answer, Jim.

So if Webb is so put off by the party of which he's been a member for about two blinks of an eye, why did he decide to run as a Democrat in the first place?

"I ran as a Democrat for the same reason I ran as a Democrat when I ran for the Senate," he said, "and that is, if you look at the history of the Democratic Party -- "

Ohhhhh. Let's stop right there and read into that one. Seems Webb thought the Democratic Party was still the party of Dixiecrats and Robert Byrd, but damnit, how times have changed. And while he strongly believes the party "needs to get back to its traditional message," apparently he no longer believes he can help the Dems rise again, from the inside. And why is that?

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Because the party is "heavily invested in the notion of interest group politics." What kind of interest groups? You know, "anyone who happens to be a person of color." Because, in case you missed it the first thousand times Webb mentioned it, he sure doesn't care for affirmative action, no sir. (Should we assume that's also a thinly veiled suggestion that Hillary Clinton is an affirmative action candidate? Yeah, sure let's do that, why not?)

The real problem with affirmative action, and the Democratic Party's special interest fetish, is that it's really unfair to poor whites, and if there's one thing America, and this presidential race in particular, is missing, it's a dude who will finally think about white people for a change.

We honestly did not know we were capable of thinking Jim Webb should fuck himself even harder. Silly us.


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