Democrats Tell New York Times Which Celebrity They Most Want To Bang
It's a week until the Iowa caucuses. The Democratic primary field will soon narrow to just 30 or so candidates. They've spent hours at Democratic debates most of us didn't watch talking about their health care policies or their thrilling plans to do absolutely nothing, but politely. Before we start to say goodbye, let's learn a little bit about them as people who occasionally get horny.
The New York Times asked some of the remaining Democratic candidates to give voters a peek into their mental Cinemax and reveal their celebrity crushes. I think the answers will thrill you. They may shock you. They might even horrify you. But you absolutely shouldn't vote until you've read further.
First up is clear winner Amy Klobuchar, who chose Prince. It's not just that the senator and the music legend are both from Minnesota. It's simply the only correct answer. She responded without hesitation, so it's obvious she's had sex to his music. I'm too polite to speculate as to which Prince album was playing while Klobuchar's daughter was conceived. All I'll say is that if you fuck in the vicinity of Prince's music someone's getting pregnant. That's science.
Elizabeth Warren came in a strong second with the Rock. She even still calls him the Rock. "Dwayne Johnson" can make all the versions of The Fast and the Furious and Jumanji that moviegoers can stomach. He can even churn out some more family-friendly crap like Tooth Fairy. Warren's only interested in what the Rock is cooking while strutting his stuff in tight spandex.
WARREN: Come on! Just look at the man! He's eye candy!
For a moment while Warren was giving her answer, it seemed as if she forgot the cameras were there, closed her eyes, and sampled the candy. Don't leave our girl in a room alone with the Rock, especially if Klobuchar loaned her a copy of Diamonds and Pearls. Gett off!
My new soul brother, Mike Bloomberg, might not have had the best answer but at least it was the weirdest. He selected both Laura Dern and William H. Macy. He's a billionaire. He can cast whoever he wants in his orgies. Tom Steyer went with the safer but still dope choice of Alicia Keys. The lady can sing, and she's fine. I almost met Keys in 2001, and if I had, absolutely nothing would've happened. That's what you're supposed to say if you're married and want to remain so. That's the path Andrew Yang took.
YANG: I think my wife's a star and I've got a big crush on her.
Aww, that's sweet. But let's cut the crap. Yang is only a few months younger than I am, so I'll just assume his celebrity crush is Isabella Rossellini. She haunted teenage SER's dreams.
Pete Buttigieg was the lone spoilsport interviewed. He claimed his celebrity crush was "not for The New York Times to know about." Teen Vogue covers celebrity crushes. This is the most innocuous ice breaker question imaginable. Is he afraid voters will think he lacks gravitas if he admits he digs Brad Pitt? Anyone who saw Fight Club wants to fuck Brad Pitt. Come on in! The water's fine. Bloomberg offered us wacky threesome scenarios, and Warren had an on-camera orgasm. Buttigieg's a Rhodes scholar. We think he can safely answer one random question without killing his campaign.
OK, well, maybe saying nothing was the wiser move.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).