Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism
Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we've been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn't be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages.
If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things -- gays, animals, Disney films -- are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he'd have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin'.
So let's say you're filthy godless atheist that does not want to attend a public high school graduation and have to endure Jesus talk. You might think this is because you are a clear-headed thinker or a tolerant of all religions not just the Jesus-flavored ones type person, but it really just means you're demon-infested.
Klingenschmitt offered a novel solution: atheists who don't want to attend their public school graduation in a church should just undergo an exorcism to rid them of the Devil so that they'll be comfortable attending church and "free to enjoy the worship of Jesus Christ."
Oh, and atheists? That squirming you feel inside during high school graduations isn't stultifying boredom as it stretches to five hours, nor is it your own sense of mortality as you watch little Janie get her diploma. It's demons.
"If the atheist complainer is so uncomfortable when they walk into a church that there's something inside of them squirming and making them feel these feelings of hatred toward the cross of Jesus Christ," Klingenschmitt said, "don't you think it's something inside of the atheist complainer that's wrong?"
We don't think that, and we think most rational people do not think that, but "most rational people" is one half of a Venn diagram that will never overlap with Gordon Klingenschmitt.
You know, maybe the Founding Fathers were just demon-infested and that's why they were so insistent on that whole separation of church and state thing. You just know Klingenschmitt would have tried to lay hands on Thomas Jefferson for that cut-up Bible Jefferson had. We bet that would have gone super well.