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Denied By God, Rick Perry Now Wants To Be President

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As every other "serious GOP candidate" but Mitt Romney decides they don't want to lose to Obama next year, Rick Perry has been sitting in his office in Texas wondering if maybe this is the way God is telling him to run for president. After all, Rick is a white Christian of the approved Tex-American variety, while Mitt Romney is a spooky Obamacare Mormon from liberal Taxachusetts. The problem for Rick is thatGod has denied him, repeatedly. You might recall that Perry prayed to the Lord Jesus and demanded rain be poured from Heaven directly to Texas, to stop the multitude of plagues -- wildfire, drought, literacy -- threatening the Texas way of life. And God refused. God heard Rick's prayer, and verily he responded with an indifferent, "Nah dude."


Rick Perry, just last month, actually begged to God in an official State of Texas proclamation that went completely ignored by both God and Allah:

WHEREAS, the state of Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s ... NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal way of life.

"Normal way of life." Hah! The normal way of life for Texas is for it to be part of Mexico again. And now Rick Perry wants to be president, even though God thinks he's a loser. FIN.

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On Monday, Gloria Vanderbilt -- socialite, jeans lady, and mom of Anderson Cooper -- passed away at the age of 95. In more normal times, this would merely result in a few obituaries and tributes about her life, and the requisite few RIP tweets.

Unfortunately, we do not live in normal times. These days, no celebrity can die without it becoming the purview of the crazypants QAnon cult, followers of which believe that no one ever dies under normal circumstances, especially not 95-year-old ladies.

Vanderbilt and her family were already something of an obsession with these people due to several "Q proofs" accusing her of doing magic spells, wearing magic illuminati owl necklaces, and [checks notes] doing something involving "red shoes," which the QAnon people think people only wear if they love sacrificing children to Satan.

Yes, this is a thing. No, I do not know if they are also mad at Elvis Costello.

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