Derp Roundup: Fun Tips For Hiding Your Loaded Guns

Hurrah, Yr Derp Roundup is back after a brief hiatus, and we are delighted to bring you a premium selection of the gunk that was stuck to our browser tabs, stories that didn't quite merit a post of their own, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. We recommend adding the reality-dilution substances of your choice.

  • First up, we have a story that was SO stupid that its own sponsor, firearms manufacturer Beretta, pulled it from its Facebook page and from its paid slot at (dead link included, so you can see it's dead). It was a handy-dandy guide to stashing your shootin' irons around the house, so they'll be easy to grab when the Home Invaders bust in (as happens several times a day in gun fondlers' minds) but still marginally out of sight, kind of. And almost all the suggestions avoid the inconvenience (and actual security) of putting your loaded gun in a locked gun safe.

    The article (full text captured at Americans Against the Tea Party) poses the dilemma faced by all Responsible Gun Owners:

    Be it from prying eyes, fingers or leaders, hiding your weapons is an integral part of safely owning firearms, and never more than when it comes to your handguns...

    The first decision is between long and short term storage while the paradox here is between security and access. A corollary consideration is who are you really hiding your guns from: Kids? Thieves? Jackboots?...

    And while the piece does suggest that you at least avoid "the top shelf of Dad’s closet of mystery" if you have kids, it's also quite happy to suggest plenty of places where kids could find a gun, like at the bottom of the laundry basket. And it does at least mention "rapid-access" gun safes, although it quickly dismisses them as "cost prohibitive" if you need to hide a large arsenal. Instead, how about this simple solution in your clothes closet?

    One, high concealment, low cost, lowered security method is to hang the gun off a plastic hanger (one that is easily broken) through the trigger guard (for semi-autos I advise against storing with a round in the chamber). Cover with a button up shirt and jacket, pants and tie (leave the dress shirt partially unbuttoned so that you can reach in and grab your pistol unfettered).

    Or maybe put your handgun in a plastic bag in the freezer? It won't harm the gun, and you can shoot right through the bag! Just be sure to leave the safety off for quick firing!

    And if you're thinking long-term storage, build a hidden gun into a wall:

    Whenever drywall work presents itself, you have the opportunity to hide a handgun before sealing up any holes. Cut out an appropriately sized section in a place where guests or family are not likely to touch or lean (a good place would be next to an entry door, below the switchplate). Mount your weapon (a simple hook will do here) and glue the old drywall back in place with the help of some patch tape. Mud and paint to match. To retrieve the gun, just put your fist through the patch and grab.

    The article promised that it was "number one in a series" on hiding your guns from bad guys, kids, and Jackbooted Federal Thugs, and that future installments would cover "hiding your handgun at work, underground and on your person," but since Beretta pulled Part One after all the negative publicity, we we'll have to live without a gun manufacturer telling us how to hide a gun at work. Can't imagine why anyone saw a problem with that.

  • In other exciting news of Responsible Gun Ownership, we have the story of a Michigan gentleman who shot a neighbor (non-fatally) after an argument about lawn maintenance, a Florida six-year-old who killed his grandfather at a picnic when he pulled the trigger of an unattended AK-47 left lying on a picnic table, and a Nevada man who shot two meth users (one killed, one wounded) who were sleeping in a vacant house he owned -- and then claimed a 'stand your ground' defense, because he was ascared.
  • Also, too, there was another display of Open Carry Texas heroics; in Fort Worth, brave open-carry activists took the opportunity to follow and harass a Marine veteran -- on Memorial Day -- for filming their Happy Gun Display, sticking their phones in his face, demanding, "explain your actions," asking "Are you gonna cry? Sounds like you're about to cry!" and filming his truck's license plate and business name -- which are blurred in this repost of the video by Mother Jones, but were left visible by the gunners when they originally posted it to YouTube.

    After the video was posted, supporters of Open Carry posted comments offering to help "ruin him," because NOBODY should ever say anything bad about the Holy Second Amendment.

  • Tired of guns? How about terrible cops? With guns! In Oklahoma, a sheriff's deputy shot and killed a family's dog after first pointing his gun at two young children -- he probably had a very good reason for that! The deputy, who had been asked not to come into the fenced yard but did anyway, claimed the dog bit him; the family says the dog was sniffing his pants leg. And in Georgia, police executing a "no knock" warrant to arrest a man on drug charges broke through a door and threw a stun grenade into a toddler's playpen; the device severely burned the 19-month-old, who has been placed in a medically-induced coma at a burn unit. The cops say they didn't see the baby and they feel really bad about the whole thing. But come on, there IS a war on drugs on, after all.
  • You say that was not a laff riot either? You people are hard to please! OK, then how about this story about a new BBC documentary on British Airways, which among other things discusses how cabin crews are trained to deal with the bodies of passengers who die during long flights? They do not recommend stashing corpses in the bathroom, because no seatbelt, and the body could get stuck between the toilet and the wall, which would be costly to remove. Also, a trainer no longer recommends this practice from the Golden Age of Commercial Aviation:

    She admits that BA used to simply prop up dead passengers in their seats and pretend they were asleep. “It’s what we used to do many years ago – give them a vodka and tonic, a Daily Mail and eye-shades and they were like, they’re fine. We don’t do that.”

    Instead, now they just do boring stuff like move the body to a crew area, or place it, covered, in a seat away from other passengers in First Class, if possible. NOT NEARLY INTERESTING ENOUGH.

  • If you'd like to Rage at Idiots, we've got this story about tweets from morons who complained that "Americans" didn't win the National Spelling Bee. Some samples!

    • Why are there no American kids left in the spelling bee? I'm ashamed of our kind. Parents - step it up
    • One year I wish an American kid could win the spelling bee
    • All the finalist in the spelling bee are Indian or Asian. 1 american coño
    • So like the last 4 kids in the national spelling bee are not American
    • Shocking that neither of the Spelling bee champs have names that sound American
    • Not to be offensive...but how do kids from India dominate the American spelling bee?!?
    • Why are the people in the spelling bee foreign ?
    • I'd be more impressed if these foreign kids in the spelling bee just spelled each other's names

    The co-champions, who tied when the event's organizers ran out of words, are Sriram Hathwar, 14, and Ansun Sujoe, 13, who were both born in the USA and whose credentials as Americans may, in fact, be open to question, since it's quite possible that they don't type in ALL CAPS like real 'murkins do.

  • Want a little more rage? Check out Great American Debbie Schlussel's farewell to Maya Angelou, who Schlussel derides as "America’s most overrated crappy writer," who only got attention "because she was Black...and a far-leftist." You see, Angelou's crimes were many. She was "a racist, America-hater, Jew-hater, anti-Israel, a close friend of Malcolm X, and a strong supporter of Cuba’s Fidel Castro." On the other hand, unlike Deb Schlussel, Angelou was capable of writing a list without faulty parallelism. Still, it may be worth considering this important question:

    Can you name a single thing this leftist radical, Angelou, contributed other than hate (and very bad “poems”)? I cannot.

    Or maybe it is not worth considering, especially given the peculiar form of close reading Schlussel practices. Consider this 2012 tweet by Angelou:

    Here's what Schlussel gets out of those words:

    [She] wanted her many idiotic fans to know–on the 11th anniversary of 9/11–that Islam had nothing to do with 9/11 or terrorists. Gee, and you wonder why Muslims and other America-haters/Jew-haters loved her so much.

    Man, that Maya Angelou sure was filled with hatred! Schlussel closes by wishing,

    I hope she packed light because it’s very hot where she’s headed.

    Maya Angelou, Rot In Hell.

    She seems nice.

  • Finally, let's close with some actual nice silliness: Malia Obama, 15, recently attended her first prom. Her dad, some old guy with extra grey hair now, had this to say, on the show that used to have Regis and Kathy Lee but now has Kelly and some guy:

    "Malia did have her first prom ... I think it's fair to say that the first time you see your daughter in heels is a little bit jarring," he said. "She's lovely. She's beautiful."

    Pushed for more details, however, Obama jokingly demurred. "I think this is all classified information," he told the morning talk show hosts.

    We aren't going to bother looking for any wingnut outrage about that one, because you just know it's out there. Promghazi!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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