Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a wire brush to our open browser tabs and bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own. We recommend washing it all down with a big swig of the reality-diluter of your choice.

  • First up, you may or may not have heard the shocking news that Subway, which has been pushing its sammiches as a semi-healthy alternative to Anus Burgers, has teamed up with Michelle Obama to promote healthy eating, or as the ever-charming Michelle Malkin puts it, a "partnership to make kids hate lunch at places other than schools." And by god, there's a Patriotic FacePlace Group called "I Reject Michelle Obama & Subway" dedicated to the sacred American right to eat crap and not exercise as a means of saying you reject liberalism. And also to post humorous photos like this:

    Hahaha, she is a fat ape wookiee moose who is racist and a hypocrite! Guess they showed her!

  • Our second adventure in alternate reality comes from Arizona, where state Sen. David Farnsworth has introduced a bill that would bar municipalities from placing restrictions on raising chickens, at least on lots with detached, single-family homes. No chicken condos or co-op coops. It's a nice enough gesture for the home chicken fancier, but then Farnsworth had to go and explain why he was sponsoring the bill:

    “The proper role of government according to the U.S. Constitution and the Arizona Constitution is to protect the liberty of the people,” he said. “Liberty of the people is being eroded, particularly property rights.”

    So yeah, there's now a sacred constitutional right to keep and bear chickens, instead of it being some kind of urban hipster fad. The proposal does at least allow municipal bans on roosters, because noise, but the chookchooks are apparently emblems of freedom itself.

    And what about the rights of elected municipal governments to set zoning policies and protect the rights of neighbors who don't want a Def Poultry Jam just across their backyard fence? Tough nuggets, says, Farnsworth:

    "I’ve come to the conclusion that our own property rights on our property need to be supreme.”

    So, you know, scratch your ground and look for bugs, patriots.

  • More ad kerfufflage: The American Patriarchy Association was very, VERY offended by a Chevrolet pickup ad that it described as "profanity-laced" and utterly unsuitable for family viewing. In fact, they even managed to get the ad pulled from a couple of NFL games, in a huge victory for moral scolds everywhere. Wonkette has found a copy of this controversial ad, which we must warn you is so sizzlingly saucy that it may shock you:

    Hahaha, the joke is upon you liberals! This was an ad touting the manly value of unhealthy eating, but it says "tofu...and veggie burgers...and raw kale salads be damned." There's your "profanity-laced" right there, for fuckssake.

    But...but... it's also rejecting Mooshelle's socialist healthy eating! But it's an ad for the socialist Government Motors, too! With a swear in it! But still, it's pro-pig-cooking, so it fights Islam, too! And here is where the smoke starts coming out of the ears of Harry Mudd's androids.

  • A "Pro-Life" entrepreneur named Brian Fisher (no relation to the American Patriarchy Association's Bryan Fischer) has released a smartphone app that helps you stop women from having 'bortions by praying for them. Gawker reviews it, and is not impressed. So much for this thing becoming the next FetusVille.
  • And finally, an update on the happy Freedom-lovers at the Multnomah County GOP, who created an Internet Uproar with their plan to "honor" Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King by raffling off an AR-15, because nothing says "other than that, Mary Todd and Corretta" like a gun raffle. The group's Lincoln Day Dinner got evicted from a Portland, Oregon, Church, and now they have issued a firm notpology, saying that they "issued a press release that was unfortunately easily misunderstood." See, instead of just saying that they were honoring MLK and Lincoln with a gun raffle, they should have used more wordses:

    Both Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King delivered speeches in defense of American liberty and freedom that will live forever in the hearts and minds of the American people. They gave their lives for his cause ...

    Today, powerful elements within our political establishment are working to suppress the Constitutional rights of all Americans. Our rights to freedom in choosing our own medical care, our freedom to build businesses to enhance the lives of ourselves and our neighbors, our freedom to be free of debt, our freedom to be free of oppressive taxes and misguided regulations, and yes our freedom to defend our lives under the Second Amendment - all are under attack.

    The great political issue today is whether or not the American people of all creeds and races will live free or live as slaves - slaves to their own overreaching government. 50 years ago, Martin Luther King's great speech was an appeal for freedom for African Americans. Today, those same words he spoke 50 years ago are an appeal for freedom for all Americans.

    This is the message our press release should have delivered.

    Oh, and of course the gun raffle is going ahead as planned. Big fund-raiser, for freedom, which you can now see is not offensive at all, because personal liberty.

    Also, both King and Lincoln were almost certainly in favor of the right to have chickens in your backyard.

  • [Arizona Daily Star / LAT / Michelle Malkin / Facebook / RightWingWatch / Gawker / KATU-TV]

    Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He fully agrees with Roy Blount Jr. that chickens = instant comedy.

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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