Derp Roundup: Scott Brown's In A Canoe, ISIS Is Relocating To New Mexico, And More

It's another Derp Roundup, our occasional collection of all the crud that's been piling up on our browsers but wasn't quite worth a full post. Apply booze or bleach as needed, but be careful where.

  • First up, a tale of dogged opposition research: Scott Brown took a little time off from campaigning for senator in his home state of MassachusettsBqhatevwr New Hampshire so that he could go canoeing on the Contoocook River. And paddling along not far behind (look behind the wall-eyed pegasus) was a truly dedicated oppo researcher from Democratic research group American Bridge, as captured in a pic by the Concord Patch. Crom only knows what they hoped to learn from watching Brown do aquatic stuff -- Massachusetts license plates on his canoe? We think Brown's a joke, sure, but American Bridge really needs to make its explanations less cheesy; asked what the point was, they told HuffPo, "Scott Brown can try to row row row his way from MA to NH but he can't get away from being held accountable for his extreme positions." We can't even hope to parody that. It is too perfect a distillation of terrible political hackery to mock. It's right up there with Scott Brown himself.
  • In an impressive case of Missing The Point, Sen. Rand Paul had one heck of a brilliant slam against Hillary Clinton Friday. At the annual Clean Energy Summit on Friday, Clinton said that climate change is very real and presents "the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges" for America and the rest of the world in coming years. Well that just goes to show what a completely unserious unannounced candidate Hillz is, said Paul:

    His response: "I don't think we really want a commander-in-chief who is battling climate change instead of terrorism."

    He went on to question "whether she has the wisdom to lead the country -- which I think it's obvious that she doesn't."

    After all, everyone knows that global warming isn't real, because it still snows in the winter, while terrorism is HUGE compared to mere trivialities like disruptions in growing seasons, migration patterns, world economics, and the flooding of coastal areas. Why, if climate change were important to national security, surely the CIA and the Pentagon would have mentioned it at some point.

    Then again, Rand Paul is a doctor, of sorts. He'd probably wonder why anyone would think that someone with cancer might think it's still their most important health issue, even though they also have a broken leg. You need to stop chemo so you can set that leg!

  • Conspiracy Theory Giving Tree Erik Rush wrote a WorldNetDaily column explaining that Barack Obama is "The Head of the ISIS Snake," in which he posits this very credible scenario: Barack Obama wants ISIS to have its very own base inside America, which is why he recently designated a new national monument in southern New Mexico:

    In May of this year, Obama named the Desert Peaks National Monument in New Mexico a federally designated monument. Setting aside this land with an executive order under the Antiquities Act of 1906, the nearly half million acres bordering the Mexican state of Chihuahua is now off-limits to all but foot traffic. Potential for the incursion of malefactors in that area is enormous; not just an efficient and effective route for small bands of drug smugglers or gangs, it now amounts to a protected access for potentially large sorties onto the U.S. soil.

    That's pretty imaginative thinking, and it also fits with the well-known desire of Teddy Roosevelt to institute Sharia Law in America, which is why he signed the Antiquities Act in the first place. All the other national parks and monuments were just a convenient smokescreen. Rush explains the obvious consequences of preserving a huge tract of land: it's not really about the area's unique natural and archeological sites (canyons containing "petroglyphs from three Native American societies," a rock where Billy The Kid inscribed his name, and a volcanic crater used by the Apollo astronauts to prepare for the moon missions). No, not really. It's all about securing a base for ISIS:

    Let’s forget for a moment the possibility of a terror cell executing a Nairobi mall-style attack or detonating a dirty bomb somewhere in Middle America. Picture 100 malls or elementary schools across the U.S. laid siege simultaneously, two or more full-fledged thermonuclear devices detonated in American cities, or a few high-sensitivity military bases taken over by terrorists. Consider that these forces would have the training and weaponry to suit the job, as well as the intelligence necessary to give them a far better than even chance of success -- all provided by our own government [...]

    Whether Obama intends to seize absolute power via martial law after a comprehensive White House-orchestrated terrorist strike or use his jihadi army to aid in pacifying an unsuspecting American populace matters little. The bottom line is that the decisive measures needed to defeat ISIS and to protect American citizens from them will never be taken by this president, and it should be obvious as to why. This nation now faces extreme and unprecedented crises, and apart from an Act of God, they will only be resolved through extreme and unprecedented measures.

    The removal of the Obama regime, extrication of Islamists from our government, the closure of our southern border, drastically heightened security procedures and the summary expulsion or prosecution of anyone who even remotely resembles an Islamist or who supports that worldview are now absolute imperatives.

    The Mighty Star Mother help us, that one finally convinced us to sign up for Erik Rush's newsletter. We wouldn't want to miss a word of this man's descent into a Lovecraftian madness. Also, has this column been optioned for the next National Treasure sequel?

  • And finally, the Stupidest Man on the Internet is having trouble with counting simple numbers once again. Loathsome smegma stain Jim Hoft ran this headline Friday:Oh no! The vicious leftists! What did they do to Jim Hoft's family? Boil a bunny rabbit? Beat them with sticks? Shoot at them? Hoft details the thousand injuries of Far Left mottos that he has borne as best he could, and then reveals that now, The Left is going after his family!

    My email and Twitter feed were filled with hateful remarks for reporting the truth that questioned the mainstream media’s narrative on the shooting of the unarmed teen, shot in the back, with his hands up.

    But that’s not enough for these loons.

    Now the far left is attacking family members on Facebook.

    Dear god, that's unconscionable -- we're happy to call Jim Hoft a morally bankrupt lying sack of shit who deserves to be laughed off the information superhighway (and sent back to the information dirt back road* whence he came), but we don't cotton to making threats or wishing harm on anyone. The Far Left better knock off its vicious attacks on the family members of Jim Hoft. So what did these roving gangs of hateful Leftists do, exactly?

    One guy left an obscenity-using rant in response to a Facebook post made by Hoft's nephew in a discussion of Ferguson. That's "the far left."

    Hoft's nephew posted a comment mentioning that his uncle, Jim Hoft, is a blogger, and that "He does an excellent job of finding the truth before posting his thoughts." This rather mild comment drew a very rude reply from one guy, reproduced here in its entirety:

    I don’t know where to begin. Your uncle is Jim Hoft??! You’re proud of his excellent job?!?! I’m going to exercise all kinds of my rights to distance myself from all kinds of the overtly and closeted RACIST SHIT going on here. Rights, compassion, living your values….. Fuck off with that hypocritical bullshit. I still see what you NEVER saw. You aren’t plugged in to reality, you are plugged in to the power structure, and your uncle is a real piece of work.

    Hoft sadly shakes his head and concludes, "What lovely people. The left hates to be confronted on their false narratives."

    Just to be clear: While he brought up the relationship himself, and while the notion that Jim Hoft "does an excellent job of finding the truth" is a delusion we hope the lad will grow out of, the nephew shouldn't be "attacked" merely for his misfortune in having Jim Hoft as an uncle. Poor kid has his own burdens to bear already. There you go, Jim -- we think you're an irredeemable racist fuckhead whose lies are easily documented, but we're happy to leave your family out of it. Whatever shame they may feel over the relationship is entirely their business. Also, your nephew seems to be a slightly better writer than you.

    Still, dear Wonketteers, are you not shocked and horrified by these "hateful leftists" (plural) who are coming after Hoft's family members (plural), in the form of one guy who wrote a rude Facebook comment in reply to Hoft's nephew? Guess we'd better pack it in, people -- any claim on credibility or moral authority we might pretend to have has now evaporated. Maybe it would help if we revoked this unknown Facebook guy's membership in the Far-Left Liberal Cabal. Anyone who thinks that Jim Hoft or his family is "plugged in to the power structure" is almost as big A Idiot as Hoft himself.

    We'd also like to recommend some remedial English usage lessons for Jim Hoft, who doesn't appear to know the difference between singular and plural nouns. But who are we kidding? That's the least of his problems.

    * A useful notion coined by Bizarro cartoonist Dan Piraro.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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