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Oh, golly, it's time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn't quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff.


  • Our Top Derp: Stevie Wonder Truthers exist. These are people who take to the Interwebs to explain that Stevie Wonder is definitely not blind, as evidenced by such phenomena as: his catching a falling mic stand at a White House concert in 2010; a partly-remembered interview with Boy George, who was pretty sure that this one time Stevie Wonder looked right at him; the fact that Stevie Wonder attends basketball games and seems to follow the action; and the way Stevie Wonder totally turned toward a guy and hugged him on the Oprah show.

    We're convinced. Teach the controversy. Also, maybe Stephen Hawking secretly runs 10Ks. Can you prove he doesn't?

  • Tucker Carlson's Internet Organ published a very funny rightwing comedy humor piece announcing "The Daily Caller's Diversity Initiative." Among other hilarious ideas, they promise to hire some gays, some celebrities, some alcoholics, the three-boob lady, and additional "Stupid People" beyond Patrick Howley and most of the other staff. See if you can find anything in their description of that last category that might set off a lot of pearl-clutching and couch-fainting among the easily-offended Grizzly Mamas of a few years ago!

    Stupid People: To best ensure that our staff represents the demographic makeup of this great country, we need some stupid people. Real dumbasses. The kind of people you see at Wal-Mart in sweatpants looking at DVD’s of Sandra Bullock movies. Retarded mouth-breathers who toddle around on sidewalks with headphones in, looking down at handheld cell-phone games, spilling Chipotle on their America’s Got Talent T-shirts. People who can’t even name the vice president of the United States. You know, like White House advisers.

    They said that word! They even put it proximity to the verb form of "toddlers," which is clearly a slur on a precious special-needs angel child! Has Sister Sarah been notified of this blood libel? Is a boycott in place? Oh, sorry, we got the scripts mixed up -- in this instance, since it was a rightwing blog using the r-word, it's "just a joke" and to even call attention to it is an example of "political correctness run amok."

    Yr Wonkette gave some thought to announcing our own diversity initiative, and we may yet. For one thing, it's pretty obvious that while we have no end of nerds working here, we are severely lacking in Babylon 5 fans. We're embarrassed by this oversight, and will strive to do better.

  • Sen. Rand Paul, an alleged medical doctor-type human being, is all worried about the consequences of sending American troops to help fight Ebola in Africa. Not that he's an alarmist or anything, but his very serious concerns would at the very least make for a good thriller movie:

    "Where is disease most transmittable? When you're in very close confines on a ship," Paul said on Laura Ingraham's radio show. "We all know about cruises and how they get these diarrhea viruses that are transmitted very easily and the whole ship gets sick. Can you imagine if a whole ship full of our soldiers catch Ebola?"

    "It's a big mistake to downplay and act as if 'oh, this is not a big deal, we can control all this.'" he added. "This could get beyond our control."

    Ebola Ship! Coming soon to SyFy! And what, in his informed medical opinion, is the problem with sending American military forces -- who, not incidentally, do a hell of a lot of training for dealing with chemical and biological threats -- to actually help set up isolation centers and coordinate logistics to fight the outbreak in Western Africa?

    "I really think it is being dominated by political correctness," he told Ingraham. "And I think because of political correctness, we’re not really making sound, rational, scientific decisions on this."

    Why rely on science and medicine when you could just be afraid, and also blame political correctness for endangering us all? Being afraid is how America got to be such a great place, after all.

  • A very patriotic lady in Ontario, California, (aka "the Inland Empire") got canned from a contracting job with Coldwell Banker Real Estate, just because she uploaded a YouTube video showing her yelling at a Mexican lady for flying the flags of America and Mexico in her front yard. America-loving Inland Imperialist Tressy Capps says she's not a racist, just a patriot. Oh, yes, and of course she's also running for city council:

    “Hello? Hi. Is that a Mexican flag in your front yard,” Capps asks, pleasantly enough, in the video.

    The woman to whom she is speaking, Maria Banuelos, is standing behind a window. Banuelos doesn’t respond because she doesn’t speak English, reports CBS Los Angeles.

    Undaunted, Capps continues.

    “You know we live in America right?” Capps then says. “This is the United States. So, why are you flying a Mexican flag in your front yard?”

    She then suggests that the woman behind the window “move to Mexico if you want to fly your Mexican flag.”

    “Does that make sense?”

    Capps also maintains in the video that the homeowners could face municipal fines for flying a Mexican flag in the United States. However, an attorney for Ontario, Calif. has since strenuously denied that assertion.

    In a statement from Capps's former employer, Coldwell Banker spokesman David Siroty explained,

    We do not tolerate discrimination of any kind ... We hold our affiliated companies to high ethical standards. Each of our franchised companies is independently owned and operated and we fully support the local owner’s decision to disassociate this independent agent from the brokerage firm and, by extension, our franchise system.

    It is not known whether Ms. Capps also confronts people flying the Gadsden flag and tells them to go back to snake-land.

  • Michele Bachmann muttered things that made Politico think she may be planning a 2016 presidential run:

    “I don’t know how you’ll see me, but I would like to be in a situation where I can offer an opposing viewpoint to Hillary Clinton,” Bachmann said during a recent interview in her Capitol Hill office.

    “There isn’t a dime’s worth of difference between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. She will continue foursquare … and put forward Barack Obama’s policy in a third and fourth term,” Bachmann added. “If there is anything that will keep Secretary Clinton from becoming commander in chief, which I don’t think she should be, … it would be [the] deplorable action on Benghazi.”

    Can you imagine anything more fun than a debate between Hillary Clinton and Michele Bachmann? We can only hope! Then again, maybe three questions in, she'd just go hide in the bathroom. Aw, hell, you know we'd watch that too.

  • A completely reliable study on some website indicates that people in Montana dream about murder a lot. Yr Editrix has recently decamped for Montana, because "love" and stuff, so we will just have to ask her about this. If nothing else, we now know what state that kitten in the famous Onion story lives in.'

    Then again, the same survey says Idahoans dream of "Japanese Writing," and that just doesn't sound right at all to us, although we've only lived here a decade and change. We're trying to fit in as best we can, gee.

  • Our new favorite rightwing bullshit site, The U.S. Patriot ran a shocker of a story in which they reveal, according to the headline: "BREAKING: Obama Just Accidentally Admits He Was Born In Kenya, Chaos Ensues." Wow, what a shocker! According to the story,

    Recent footage has surfaced of Barack Obama admitting that the United States is not his country of origin.

    The brief clip shows Obama in the middle of a tongue-in-cheek speech in which he whines about his dropping approval ratings in America. In the midst of the laughter from the audience, he loses focus for a moment, saying, “I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth.”

    The statement is shocking, and in defending himself, he actually reveals one of his darkest secrets.

    The "recent footage" in the story is (did you guess already?) from Obama's 2010 speech at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. We guess that, on the Cosmic Calendar at least, that is literally up-to-the-second breaking news. Never change, U.S. Patriot!


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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