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Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn't quite merit a post of their own, but that were far too stupid to ignore altogether. Apply alcohol directly to your central processing unit as needed. Or your computer's.


  • For the second week in a row, our Top Derp goes to a state looking to adopt a state symbol. Last week, it was South Carolina, where creationists blocked an adorable 8-year-old nerdgirl's idea to name the wooly mammoth the State Fossil. This week we have the Louisiana House, where a committee voted Thursday to move forward a bill to name the Holy Bible as the official State Book. In a bit of trivia, Rep. Thomas Carmody's original version of the bill would have named a particular copy of the Bible -- the oldest existing Bible in the state library system, printed sometime between 1510 and 1528 -- as the state book. But instead, Carmody introduced to the committee a new version that named the generic King James version. Not that he was promoting a particular religion or anything.

    Other lawmakers objected that the KJV wouldn't reflect the state's Catholic heritage, so the bill was amended to make it simply "the Holy Bible." A few committee members angrily muttered something about the separation of church and state before the committee voted 5-8 to move the bill to the House.

    Carmody insisted that there was no way that the bill could violate the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment, because "It's not to the exclusion of anyone else's sacred literature." You know, just naming one religion's book, but definitely not banning any of those fake religions.

    Yr Wonkette would suggest that maybe the Legislature might do well to adopt All The King's Men instead.

  • In other Louisiana Derp, Politico had a longish feature this week on the last hurrah run of former governor and convicted felon Edwin Edwards, who at 86 is running for Congress and having himself a fine old time. Edwards is the kind of old-school corrupt scoundrel that it's easy to get nostalgic about -- the guy who defeated former KKK leader David Duke in the 1991 governor's race with help from the unofficial slogan “Vote for the crook, it’s important." Go read the Politico piece because it's fun, and for this little note on the old ne'er-do-well's busy campaign schedule:

    Edwards brings a reporter over to his desk to look at an old-fashioned date book, filled with indecipherable scratchings from the governor’s own hand. “I feel good. I’ve been going almost 18 hours a day for the past 2½ weeks.

    “I kept every one of those commitments. Why look here … ” Then a beat. Then a slight pause. Then a wink.

    “My goodness gracious, look at this: I even went to a prayer breakfast.”

    Pretty sure this is where we get to say "Well bless his heart."

  • In news of Responsible Gun Owners, we have this note from a Pennsylvania NRA event: A New Jersey gentleman participating in the program at the Steel City Gun Club shooting range managed to shoot himself in the leg. He was sent to the hospital with non life-threatening wounds.

    And in Jacksonville, Florida, a Responsible Gun Owner in Ware County, Georgia, was charged with illegally possessing a shotgun that killed his 10-year-old daughter, who was shot when the weapon accidentally discharged while a 15-year-old relative was unloading it so she could safely hold the gun.

  • It's spring, and in addition to the world being puddle-wonderful, the little lame rightwing balloonmen are hyperventilating far and wee about the War on Easter again. The Washington Times' Ernest Istook (yep, the former congresscritter has a column) released a prolonged whine about Michelle Obama's simultaneously kidnapping the Easter Bunny and insulting the Resurrected Lord Jesus by linking the annual White House Easter Egg Roll to -- horrors! -- healthy eating and getting exercise, because the theme of the event is "Hop into Healthy, Swing into Shape." Istook laments,

    Sorry, Peter Cottontail. Your event has been kidnapped. And, of course, apologies to the churches.

    Why can't the Godless Obamas at least compromise by including the True Meaning of Jesus-Egg Day? At the very least, Michelle could demonstrate how to exercise while being crucified, to demonstrate the benefits of cross training.

  • A few sample pages of Professional Oppressed Christian Todd Starnes's book, God Less America, set for release in May, have been posted at Amazon; Yr Wonkette joins Mediaite's Andrew Kirell in challenging you to read the first page without snickering. Here's Starnes being "folksy":

    I grew up in a much simpler time -- when blackberry was a pie and dirty dancing meant somebody forgot to clean out the barn for the square dance. It was a time when father still knew best -- when the girls were girls and the men were men. I grew up in a time when a rainbow was a sign of God’s promise, not gay rights.

    Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. And talk about up-to-date references! His examples of "scary modernity" are pretty much objects of nostalgia themselves: a nearly defunct smartphone and a movie from 1987. Yeh, we're pretty sure we'll be assigned to review this book-shaped turd when it drops on May 6.

  • With Tax Day coming up, the wacky libertarians at ReasonTV have released this very amusing video that has an accountant talking about taxes with Game of Thrones characters. We have somehow not watched that series (yes, we know that hurts our nerd cred), but we bet this video is just hilarious.

    Maybe if DDM, our Game of Thrones recapper, had shown up in the Sekrit Chatcave the last couple of days, we would have some hilarious Lannisterian riffs on it. And with Kid Zoom on a choir tour to Disneyland, we can't even get any help from someone who's read the books.

  • In response to the news that Willie Nelson will be doing a concert for Wendy Davis, a genius over at Free Republic explains Who's A Real Texan and Who Is Not:

    Doper, homosexualist and now abortionist sum up the life and times of one Willie Nelson. He may be a native Texan but doesn't share Texas values, the most important of which is the right to life.

    Interesting that a Yankee transplant, drug-free Patriot Ted Nugent, embodies more of what Texas is all about than one of her native sons.

    We'll pray for them.

  • From today'sNew Hampshire Freedom Summit, sponsored by Citizens United and Americans for Prosperity, MSNBC reporter Benjy Sarlin had this somewhat enigmatic pair of tweets:

    Donald Trump is a Galifinakis Truther, says Obama was clearly enraged by Funny or Die questions and media won't report it.

    So weird that Donald Trump couldn't recognize a self-parody, I don't get how that could happen

    We'll keep an eye out for video so we can share the details. Then again, "Donald Trump Clueless" stories are the dog-bites-man of Twitter, aren't they?

  • [Times-Picayune / WWL-TV / Politico / TPM / Jacksonville.com / Washington Times / Mediaite / Benjy Sarlin]

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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    Image by Mariordo, Wikimedia Commons

    In what seems like a perfectly logical move where corporations are people, MGM International Resorts is suing all the victims of the Las Vegas massacre in federal court. But don't worry -- at least the company isn't seeking damages from them for its own corporate pain and suffering! Instead, the lawsuit is a maneuver to head off liability claims related to the mass shooting last October 1, as is only right and just. All they want is what's coming to them, like immunity from damages and some ill will from consumers, which will no doubt blow over eventually.

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    Do-Nothing Republicans Continue Doing Nothing About Traitor Trump

    Can you keep a crook in office while not looking crooked yourself?

    Russia

    Monday in Helsinki, Donald Trump stood next to Russian President Vladimir Putin, the official sponsor of Trump's White House reality show, and glibly debased America and its institutions in exchange for a soccer ball, which frankly is more than his soul was ever worth. Republican leaders, defenders of liberty all, strongly condemned the president's actions. House Speaker Paul Ryan went so far as to say, "There's no place for this. [He] should apologize. That's dangerous for our society, that's dangerous for our democracy."

    Sorry, no, that was a statement Ryan made when Rep. Maxine Waters suggested citizens personally let members of Trump's cabinet know how much they suck. Ryan's actual statement post-Helsinki reminded me more of the "vaguebooking" your friend posts on social media when their marriage is collapsing.

    There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.

    "Sometimes you realize you should've listened to your family and friends. You should trust they know what's best for you. It can turn out that your heart was wrong all along."

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