Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and 'Baggers
Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren't quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy!
And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys.
"I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool," Moreau wrote. "Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him."
Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch.
"Threw a pot of boiling water in the air. Kids thought it was awesome. Do it, people."
And by golly, all over the country, emergency rooms got visits from people with second- and third-degree burns, and people took to the twitterverse to express surprise that hot water is hot.
And people wonder how someone like Louie Gohmert can get elected?
“I probably hired her back, if you really want to get to the bottom of it, to give her a chance to say her piece and piss off the people that wanted her dead.”
This is really unfair, because most people don't want the snowbilly grifter dead -- they'd be satisfied with her just going back to complete obscurity. Oh damn. We just did our part to keep that from happening, didn't we?
In a story that we just plain forgot to include earlier, a Charleston, South Carolina, woman was arrested shortly after midnight on Christmas for stabbing her husband with a ceramic squirrel. It turned out that the incident was provoked when the man went out to buy beer at a convenience store, but returned empty-handed when he found the store closed. This is an important reminder to everyone: stock up on beer before the holidays, and be sure to have enough on hand in case of tire fires.
Dear Lovely Scientist,
My name is Sophie and I am 7 years old ... Would it be possible if you can Make a dragon foor me. i would like it if you could, but if you can't thats fine. i would call it toothless if it was a girl and if it is a boy I would name it Stuart.
i would keep it in my special green grass area where there are lots of space. i would feed it raw fish and i would put a collar on it.
If it got hurt i would bandage it if it hurt himself. i would play with it every weekend when there is no school.
On their website, the lovely scientists at CSIRO offered the following explanation and apology:
We’ve been doing science since 1926 and we’re quite proud of what we have achieved. We’ve put polymer banknotes in your wallet, insect repellent on your limbs and Wi-Fi in your devices. But we’ve missed something.
There are no dragons.
Over the past 87 odd years we have not been able to create a dragon or dragon eggs. We have sighted an eastern bearded dragon at one of our telescopes, observed dragonflies and even measured body temperatures of the mallee dragon. But our work has never ventured into dragons of the mythical, fire breathing variety.
And for this Australia, we are sorry.
But after the story generated press interest -- and a phone call from DreamWorks Studios, who we'll assume are responsible for Sophie's interest in dragons -- they did at least fire up their 3-D printer and make a dragon for her out of titanium:
Sophie tells her mom she wants to be a scientist when she grows up.
We're pretty glad this happened in Australia; had it happened in the US, we fear that Chuck Grassley might have investigated why scientists were wasting public money on "fun."
* Of the 20 states that allow medical pot, only Colorado and Washington have legalized recreational use, although we hear tell that some people may make very enthusiastic medical use of the stuff.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.