Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape our browser tabs for the stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite worth a full post, stir in some weapons-grade snark, and serve it up to you. We recommend you add your own mental lubricant, but not right before you get interviewed by Bob Costas.
We debated whether to even lead with this, since after all, even libtard communist Wonkette thinks Barry Bamz looks like he was high as fuck, but we also think that The Stupidest Man On the Internet deserves some extra attention for his approach to the "Barry Soetoro was sooooo hiiiiiiigh" story. First, there's the creatively punctuated headline, which has been duly reported to the Ankh Morpork Guild of Greengrocer's (and not corrected since the story wen't up last nigh't). Then there's the hilarious photo, which proves just how baked Barry was, via the magic of finding a funny freeze-frame. And then there's the very subtle link-bolding of "viewers think Obama was stoned," which is just cute. Bravo, Mr. Hof't!
Yr Doktor Zoom didn't pay especially close attention to the interview, which mostly left us thinking Barry looked tired, but let us also confess that we are not very observant -- we don't even notice whether the person in front of us at the supermarket is using an EBT card. In any case, there's undoubtedly a perfectly reasonable explanation, like Barry not having a teleprompter to read from, haw-haw-haw.
Would you believe we have another inspiring story of a Responsible Gun Owner whose Personal Defense Talisman somehow fell into the wrong hands? In Shelby, North Carolina, local Christian parenting advice columnist Justin Carper learned that his well-hidden 9mm handgun wasn't quite as safely stored as he thought it was when his 3-year-old son retrieved it from a secret compartment at the top of his dresser and shot his 17-month-old sister with it. Happily, the baby will be fine; in this particular isolated incident, the bullet went through her shoulder and she returned home after an overnight hospital stay. Carper said that doctors had told him "there’s nowhere else the bullet could have gone that would have ended up with this story." No charges have (yet) been filed, and there's no word on what advice Mr. Carper will share with his readers about the wisdom of having a carefully hidden gun for home defense. Whatever you do, don't generalize from this story, because any requirement that gun owners store their guns safely would be tyranny.
In another tale of Responsible Home Defense, Temecula, California, homeowner John Dodrill pulled a gun on a girl scout who was going door to door selling cookies. The girl's father was following her as she sold cookies, and called police; apparently Dodrill pointed the gun at the girl as soon as he opened the door. It is not known at press time if this was Mr. Dodrill's characteristic practice when answering his door, or if he perhaps wanted to protect himself from the Girl Scouts' abortion agenda. We also made the mistake of reading Free Republic's take on the story, where some readers thought Dodrill was crazy, but others said it was obviously a false flag incident, or that the father was wrong to have called police because he was obviously one of those idiot liberals who fear guns:
If the father had any sense, he would have handled the entire thing differently. Unless the homeowner was clearly off his nut, the father should have explained gun rights and property rights to the girl and amended his approach to knocking on strangers' doors. If the father had not become so outraged at the sight of the gun, he might have made a friend.
Several other comments said that, considering all the violent home invasions that happen daily in their imaginations, it is in fact only reasonable to answer every knock at the door with a gun in your hand. The only serious question is whether you should have a round in the chamber and the safety off.
But enough of this We Live in a Nation of Crazies stuff -- how about a far cheerier story? Like this option for a reasonably priced "Candlelight Valentine's Dinner" at McDonalds:
No real explanation of "Featuring musical selections by Ron.” -- We're betting that "Ron" is an in-house joke about the McDonalds' muzak system, like how Disney employees call their job "Workin' at the Rat."
Sadly, this promotion appears to be limited to one McDonalds store in Southport, North Carolina, not a national thing. Pay attention, corporate overlords -- this is the sort of thing that could definitely scale.
And then there's Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas, who we can't really hate on too much for this display of kindly-grampa racist cluelessness smack dab in the middle of confirmation hearings for Dr. Vivek Murthy, who will almost certainly be the next Surgeon General of the United States, unless of course the hearings provoked him to slap his own forehead enough to cause multiple concussions. In an attempt to do "friendly and welcoming," Sen. Roberts just wanted to let Murthy know that in his "hometown" of Dodge City (where he sort of a little bit doesn't actually live)they have Indian doctors too! And as it happens, Murthy is one of those, so he'd feel "right at home."
Video is definitely worth watching. Yr Doktor Zoom had a bit of a flashback to his very own mother rooting for the rare black game show contestant "because they've had such a hard time" and then saying of the lone black kid on some TV program, "they're just born showoffs." Just look at them and sigh, and know they love you. But that's no reason to let them get away with passing a Voter ID law.
And finally, an update! Remember that judge in Tennessee who wouldn't let a couple in a custody case name their child "Messiah"? The kid's first name wasn't at issue in the case -- the lawsuit involved child support and a disagreement over whether the baby would have the mom's or the dad's last name, but judge Lu Ann Ballew also thought there was no call for letting them call the kid "Messiah," explaining in her ruling that There Can Be Only One:
“The word Messiah is a title and it’s a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ.”
And so she declared that he was not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy named "Martin." We missed the news that Ballew's decision was overturned in September, but now there's been one more development: Judge Ballew has been fired, following a Tennessee Board of Judicial Conduct citation for inappropriate religious bias in the case. Ballew still faces a hearing in March, and could be fined for misconduct.
As we said at the time, sure we think it's kind of a dumb name. But this is America, where you can name your child any ridiculous thing you want to, like "Mitt" or "Barack" or "Reince," because First Amendment, and that is a good thing. Also, next time you get in an online argument, you can say "Right here" and point to this picture when someone says "Where is your Messiah now?" And Messiah Deshawn McCullough is just adorbs, and wants us to tickle his ittle toes:
When he's 15, of course, he'll probably start calling himself something more conventional, like "Thor" or "Ford Prefect" or "Doktor Goes Very Fast."
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a
real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.
