Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn't worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether.

  • First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of "gay culture," the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo's, a "gay" bookstore that had "gay" fiction and poetry, "gay" memoirs, and books about the "gay rights" movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in "a section not visible from the street" was where the real money got made, because that's where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!):

    The owners of Lobo's were apparently wasting a lot of money on gay novels and works of gay history, when all the real money was in pornography. But the money spent on books wasn't wasted. It was used to purchase a commodity that is more precious than gold to the gay rights establishment. Respectability. Respectability and the appearance of normalcy. Without that investment, we would not now be engaged in a serious debate about the legalization of same-sex "marriage." By the time I lived in Austin, I had been thinking of myself as a gay man for almost 20 years. Based on the experience acquired during those years, I recognized in Lobo's a metaphor for the strategy used to sell gay rights to the American people, and for the sordid reality that strategy concealed.

    And then he presents his careful explication of his metaphor: Straight people who look at the gay rights movement only support it because they can't see all the icky assfucking going on, because "It does not occur to them that they are seeing a carefully stage-managed effort to manipulate them, to distract them from a truth they would never condone." And for people thinking of becoming gay -- or as Lee puts it, "those who are tempted to engage in homosexual acts" -- the outward trappings of gay life, the politicking, the talk of "gay culture," the exquisitely restored antique furniture and all that, is a comforting fiction, but pretty soon, they'll end up in the porn section:

    And, gentle reader, that is where most of them will spend the rest of their lives, until God or AIDS, drugs or alcohol, suicide or a lonely old age, intervenes.

    After all, since Ronald G. Lee knows that God hates promiscuity and all gay sexing is promiscuous, there really are no such things as happy gay people or committed gay relationships, QED. And why would you want people like that to have the right to marry? And he goes on and on for over 7500 words about it. But now (or at least in 2008, when this thing was first published) he's happily not having sex with his best friend, a fellow chaste homosexual:

    My best friend Mark (not his real name) is, like me, a refugee from the homosexual insane asylum. He is also a devout believer, though a Presbyterian (no one is perfect). From Mark I have learned that two men can love each other profoundly while remaining clothed the entire time.

    We are told that the Church opposes same-sex love. Not true. The Church opposes homogenital sex, which in my experience is not about love, but about obsession, addiction, and compensation for a compromised masculinity.

    Gosh, doesn't he sound happy and fulfilled now?

  • On a considerably more impressive note, and in a story not endorsed by Bryan Fischer, we learned that an Ebay user in Florida (where else?) was briefly offering for sale the toenail clippings of Jesus Christ, which they claimed to have acquired from a "'sear' [sic] or as Americans like to call them 'psychic'" in Europe. Sadly, the auction was pulled before the tonails sold, which is probably just as well, considering the awesome power such an artifact might unleash. Still, "Christ's toenails!" makes for a pretty awesome swear. We were reminded of Mark Twain's line in The Innocents Abroad about having seen a Piece of the True Cross in virtually ever church in Europe, as well as a keg of nails from the True Cross. "And as for bones of St. Denis, I feel certain we have seen enough of them to duplicate him if necessary."
  • After nobody seemed very interested in Erik Rush's theory that the Washington Navy Yard shootings were a cover-up of a thwarted attempt by Barack Obama to set off a nuclear bomb in Washington DC, the radio wingnut has now signed on to the story that Obama tried to nuke South Carolina earlier this fall. In a variation on the story we already covered, Rush has added in a couple of new factors -- the scheme was hatched by George Soros, so he could bet against the dollar and become the richest man alive, and the full plan was to set off an electromagnetic pulse that would bring down all communications, eventually killing off 90% of the North American population while Obama, Valerie Jarrett, and top elites rode out the chaos in underground bunkers. It has to be true, because Rush talked to Jim Garrow, who says he's a CIA spy who debriefed two Army Generals in charge of America's nuclear arsenal, and they said there are still loose nukes out there that Obama may use against us. The trivial detail that the U.S. Army doesn't actually oversee any nuclear weapons doesn't seem to have dampened Rush's enthusiasm for the story. It is not known whether Rush Limbaugh intends to sue Erik Rush for infringing on his "I'm the craziest guy with that name" trademark.
  • The Washington Times complained that Pentagon efforts to reduce sexual assaults in the military was bound to "emasculate" male soldiers and actually served to treat women as "weaklings who have no place in the military," because women

    "can't have it both ways. Are women "hear me roar" Amazons, or are they fragile flowers who must be protected from "sexual harassment," encouraged to level the charge at the drop of the hat?"

    Having thus put that bitch Helen Reddy in her place, the Washington Times then presumably asked why young people can't just listen to some nice music for a change.

  • In Oklahoma City, a man found a heavy "thermos-type container" in his front lawn and brought it to police, fearing it might be a bomb because there was "tinfoil protruding from the lid." Police asked him to leave the container outside; the bomb squad x-rayed it and determined that it contained a foil-wrapped burrito. A police spokesperson reminded the community that "anyone who finds a suspicious object should call authorities -- not bring it to a police station themselves." There's your Homeland Security Safety Tip O' the Day, citizens. Also, cue the jokes about burritos of mass destruction.
  • The American Patriarchy Association and the Eagle Forum are very worried that the Houston county jail's attempts to prevent violence against LGBT inmates would actually leave such inmates "more vulnerable to abuse," somehow -- don't be silly, why would they explain? -- and were especially upset that the jail would actually indulge transgender people in their "tragic' insistence on being allowed to define their own gender, even making jailers "address the transgendered by their 'chosen name' and include it on the bracelet." Texas Eagle Forum president Cathie Adams, Wonkette's favorite minor-league wingnut, "wonders why, if Houston wants to help jail inmates, they don't offer counseling instead of affirming their gender confusion." After all, as everyone knows, the whole Ex-Gay thing is such a huge success.
  • And finally, in another squirmish in the War On Christmas, wingnuts went into Freakout Level Eleventy over this photo of a U.S. Postal Service flyer advertising holiday stamps:

    You see the problem, right? Stamps that name "Hannukah" and "Kwanzaa" (which is not a thing that even exists in the real world),* but the word "Christmas" has been completely banned, by order of the U.S. Government. Of course, the USPS actually does sell religious-oriented stamps with the word "Christmas" on them -- several different designs, in fact -- but they are not in this particular ad, which means Barack Obama is Killing Jesus again, just like he did at Gettysburg.

  • *and also isn't a religious holiday anyway...

    [Orthodoxy Today / Jezebel / ErikRush via RightWingWatch / MediaMatters / San Jose Mercury-News / RightWingWatch / The Blaze]

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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