Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Walk On The Vile Side
Welcome to a Very SpecialArmistice Day Edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly accumulation of arglebargle that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on.
- Let's ring in the Derp with this bit o' conspiracy theorizin': Mitt Romney mighta won the 2012 election if only that power-mad Obama dictator hadn't wiretapped his phone. (Not that Obama actually did, but you know, NSA HAARP Chemtrails Benghazi IRS.) thing is, he COULD have! Nixon did stuff, after all, and everything Obama does is worse than Watergate, which means Romney never had a chance because spying. Oh, and also the problem of just being Mitt Goddamn Rich Asshole Romney, which we're pretty sure was somehow Barry's fault, too.
- And then there's this Tale From Customer Service Hell: The LA Times brings us the story of Laura Mandracchia, who was all ready to fly away for a friend's wedding in Cancun a couple weeks back when that loon started shooting up Terminal 3 at LAX. Instead of boarding a flight, she spent the day waiting for police to give the all-clear, and of course she missed the flight and the wedding. And then she had to try to get refunds (cue Bernard Hermann score here). Actually, Part One went just peachy: her trip to Cancun was via Virgin America, and they immediately refunded her $350 ticket, said they were sorry that she went through all that, and delivered her checked bag to her home gratis. On a Sunday. But then Mandracchia called Expedia, where she got her ticket for a return flight on United. Refund? Nahh, airline credit for her $285, and she has less than a year to use it. Also, when she does use it, there's a $200 penalty for changing her flight plans. No exceptions, because then people would get caught up in mass shootings every time they wanted to change their schedule. And then the resort in Cancun wouldn't refund her $1000, because she was a no-show and didn't call. On the day she was caught in a shooting rampage. After a follow-up chat with the manager, the refund was arranged -- and it may have helped that a newspaper called, too. United and Expedia are each blaming the other for the penalty threat, but United told the LA Times they wouldn't charge Mandracchia to use the credit. So it all worked out, but yeesh.
- In other Great Moments in Business Communication, Chip Wilson, the founder of yoga pants maker Lululemon, which had that problem with see-through-ness a while back, assplained last week that really, the fault lies in her arse, not in the pants:
"Frankly some women's bodies just don't actually work for it," Wilson said on an interview with Bloomberg TV. "They don't work for some women's bodies...it's really about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there over a period of time, how much they use it."
The National Council of Husbands in Magazine Cartoons issued a statement saying, no, absolutely, your ass is just perfect honey.
- A tanning salon chain is running Thanksgiving-themed ads for its artificial tanning service, congratulating the Indians for bringing "Sexy Color" to the first Thanksgiving. And for some reason, politically-correct types grumbled that it was somehow racist or something. For godssakes, it's a compliment to have your skin tone compared to the toxic goo in their "instant, flawless sunless sprays." John Boehner never complains, after all.
- Iowa Derpmeister Steve King explained to an Eagle Forum group that most liberals would happily use their "keyboard jackhammers" to tear down the "beautiful marble pillars of American exceptionalism" because
They don’t like the constitution, they don’t love this country, they don’t appreciate the greatness of America, they don’t think of this country the way I do.
We actually would like to thank Congresscantaloupe King for this, because it gives us the chance to trot one of our favorite quotes from Al Franken, who knows a thing or two about Loving America:
We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow. Love takes attention and work and is the best thing in the world. That’s why we liberals want America to do the right thing. We know America is the hope of the world, and we love it and want it to do well.
If you see Steve King, hand him a jackhammer and a keyboard, so he can see the difference. You might also hand him a copy of Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. And while you're at it, you might remind him of the old Bill Mauldin cartoon about rabid hyperpatriots: "Hey, buddy -- it's a flag, not a blindfold."
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.