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Is Rudy Giuliani drinking that Just for Men hair dye? What is going on with Grandpa America's Mayor's hair? And what nonsense is he dogwhistling through his lockjaw now?

I've decided I'm not going to go to the Ukraine. I'm not going to go because I've decided I'm walking into a group of people who are enemies of the president. In some cases enemies of the United States. In one case, an already convicted person who has been found to be involved in assisting with the 2016 election.

JFC, he's really putting all his chips on the PAUL MANAFORT WUZ FRAMED argument. An American jury sent Paul Manafort to jail for bringing in millions of untaxed dollars from Ukrainian oligarchs, but somehow it is no fair for Ukrainians to publicize Manafort's grift. Ipso facto hocus pocus, the Mueller investigation was illegal? Plus, also, somethingsomething Joe Biden. Clearly we picked the wrong day to quit snorting Poligrip. Unlike Rudy Giuliani!

Okay, let's see if we can derpsplain it all together, since this Ukrainium One lie isn't going away.


In 2016, Ukraine was trying to pick up the pieces after Putin's puppet Viktor Yanukovych looted the treasury and fled to Russia after being booted out of power. Democratic activists said, Hey wasn't Paul Manafort involved in all kinds of pro-Russia fuckery in Ukraine? And Serhiy Leshchenko, a member of Ukraine's parliament who was on an anti-corruption crusade, answered Hell, yeah! Check out the federal prosecutor's website for documents proving that Trump's campaign manager was dirty! A court recently declared that the information was "wrongly" published, and faulted Leshchenko for mentioning said public information during the 2016 election. (He says the current Ukrainian government is just trying to curry favor with the Trump administration. Your Wonkette is not in a position to make a judgment, although "wrongful mentioning" is not a crime we learned about in law school.) But Giuliani, who went on to call out Leshchenko by name, is lying out his ass when he says that he was "convicted" of "assisting with the 2016 election."

Last week, Giuliani announced his intention to take a field trip to Ukraine to meet with representatives of Ukrainian President-elect Volodymyr Zelensky to tell them how excited the US president is to hear about evil Ukrainian prosecutors setting up poor, innocent Paul Manafort, HINT HINT. Not that he's pressuring Ukraine to launch a fake inquiry into Joe Biden's son and drag it out through 2020. But you know, Rudy is just saying, it would be a shame if Donald Trump got pissed off and left Ukraine to the predations of its rapacious eastern neighbor.

The problem is, the incoming Zelensky government is desperately trying to stay out of American electoral politics. They do not want to get crosswise with the Trump administration, and they sure as hell don't want to shit the bed with Joe Biden or whoever might beat Trump in 2020. So they'll take the meeting with Rudy and let him flap his yap at them, sure. But Zelensky ran on an anti-corruption platform, and he's not about to sign Ukraine's federal prosecutors up to carry water for the Trump 2020 campaign. Also, too, Serhiy Leschchenko is a prominent Zelensky backer. So, naturally, in Rudy's rancid meat cranium, that means he was being SET UP by those wily Ukrainians.

media1.giphy.com

That did not happen. And we've already debunked this shit Rudy is flogging about Joe Biden and the rest of our Western allies pushing out a corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor in 2016, supposedly to benefit his son Hunter. TWICE. The investigation into Hunter Biden's client Mykola Zlochevsky had gone dormant in 2015, and the Obama administration pressed the UK to investigate Zlochevsky on multiple occasions. But once again, big thanks, New York Times, for helping Rudy launder this nonsense into the mainstream. (Oh, look, Ken Vogel was working this Hillary-and-Ukraine-are-the-real-collusion angle two years ago at Politico. Cool, cool.)

Hey, who remembers that fun time in 2018 when the Ukrainian parliament voted to eighty-six an investigation into Paul Manafort's ratfuckery in Ukraine five minutes before getting some shiny, new anti-tank missiles from the US government? WE DO. Pretty amazing that the Ukrainian prosecutors decided to re-open the investigation into Hunter Biden's client Mykola Zlochevsky this March right before Joe Biden entered the presidential race, huh?

Go on, President Flopsweat. Tell the nice people at Politico how you're going to sic the Justice Department on Joe Biden.

Well, I haven't spoken to [Bill Barr] about it. But certainly it is a very big issue and we'll see what happens. I have not spoken to him about it. Would I speak to him about it? I haven't thought of that. I mean, you're asking me a question I just haven't thought of. Certainly, it would be an appropriate thing to speak about. But I have not done that as of yet. It could be a very big -- it could be a very big situation. Of course, because he's a Democrat, it's about one 1/100 the size of the fact that if he were Republican, it would be a lot bigger.

Are you freaking out yet?

No? Here, watch Rudy liesplain to the Fox lady about Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden framing George Papadopoulos in the Ukraine with the Dodgy Dossier.

Giuliani: I didn't go to Ukraine to start an investigation, there already was one www.youtube.com

CHRIST, IT'S ONLY MONDAY.

[Politico / WaPo / NYT]

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