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Ron DeSantis 'Monkeys Up' Florida Gov Race Like A Common Macaca

Post-Racial America

Republican nominee for Florida governor Ron DeSantis took his Donald Trump idolization to its logical conclusion during a post-primary victory interview Wednesday when he whipped out the racial bullhorn. Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum, who's black, had pulled off a shocking upset in the Democratic primary, and DeSantis warned against Floridians getting caught up in Gillum's "articulate" "charisma" (you know, like someone else who destroyed "real" America).

"We've gotta work hard to make sure that we continue Florida going in a good direction. Let's build off the success we've had (with) Governor Scott. The last thing we need to do is to monkey this up by trying to embrace a socialist agenda with huge tax increases and bankrupting this state. That is not going to work. It's not going to be good for Florida."

Democrats and people with functioning eyes and ears thought this remark was a tad racist. Republicans and their enablers claimed it had "zero" to do with race. I know it feels like a thousand years since Barack Obama was president, but we've gone over why you shouldn't call black people monkeys, even if they're politicians you don't like. Roseanne at least compared black folks to apes. They don't have tails.



"Monkey this up" is a familiar phrase in the South, a slightly more benign cousin to "nigger rig," which means to do a job as poorly as a black person. If white Southerners thought our work product was so poor, why did their ancestors fight so hard to keep us cranking out the widgets for them? Weird.

Gillum said later that Florida voters would never respond to politics of "derision and division" or help elect a "misogynist" or "racist." I hate to break it to him, but they kinda did -- at least twice. After DeSantis went all Jane Goodall on Gillum, Sandra Smith assured her audience that the network didn't "condone this language" and then read a "clarified" statement from the candidate in which DeSantis straight-up called Gillum a socialist. There's as little evidence of Gillum's socialism as there is that he spends his days swinging from trees. Check out his campaign page here (also, throw some cash my brother's way while you're there).

The media naturally ran with these "socialist" scare tactics. Chuck Todd, while awkwardly trying to position his "Meet the Press" mug in optimum product placement position, asked Gillum directly if he's now or has ever been a socialist.

DeSantis turned up on Hannity Wednesday night and explained that he's just a totally non-racist guy trying to defend the nation from a total socialist, who is also really black.

HANNITY: Well, listen, Florida is become one of the fastest growing, lowest unemployed states in the country, and it's a very diverse state. You know, but -- we are now in an environment where people want to purposely take things out of context, your life's work, who you are, what other people have said, even on their side that they support politically, it doesn't seem to matter. I guess, the issue comes down to who you are, what it is in your heart, and what do you tell people that are hearing that news and interpretation tonight?

Jesus, Sean, is there a question in there? Fortunately, like a bad regional theatre actor, DeSantis doesn't have to bother listening to whatever it is you've said. He just needs to wait for his cue to start speaking and deliver his monologue, "I'm Practically Martin Luther King Over Here."

DeSantis: Well, look, Sean, from athletics and the military to how I conducted myself as an elected official, I'm a straight shooter. I treat everyone with respect regardless of circumstances of birth, and I believe that the great thing about this country is that you can grow up, ah, in places where you don't have a lot of opportunity initially, and you can work hard and get ahead regardless of the color of your skin.

"Straight shooter" is also "Trump-ist" for "I'm not going to apologize for telling you that monkey will raise taxes on hard-working Americans and use it for bananas -- banana cream pies, banana splits, banana smoothies... it'll never stop."

DeSantis left Hannity to chat with worst woman alive Laura Ingraham. They both knocked the left's shameless race-baiting and agreed that Andrew Gillum, who's black by the way, wants to turn Florida into "Venezuela," which has its problems but I still think is better than the Panhandle. Ingraham also described Gillum as the "African-American male version of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez." Is she trying to pitch a CW spinoff? She then started to drool on her desk as she confessed that Gillum was "young" and "kind of dynamic." Keep the Mandingo fantasies to yourself, lady.

I honestly don't know if I can handle FOX freaking out over multiple Barack Obamas. All these young brown people trying to run our government is going to result in us all having advanced degrees in primatology. Of course, earlier Wednesday, David French had conclusively ended the whole "was the monkey comment" racist debate, as only an entitled white male can.

I suppose if anyone can identify racism, it's actual racist Ben Shapiro. It's like when Reverend Jim on "Taxi" could tell after a couple bites of Latka's "special" cookies that they were laced with cocaine from "Southern Peru ... 1974, before the rains."

By the way, French has whined multiple times that people are suspicious of him raising an adopted black child, and I know he's trying. But, c'mon, try to at least stand up once in a while when obvious racism is obvious. "Hey, Dad, the kids at that fancy all-white prep school you sent me to called me a porch monkey!" "Well, son, you are naturally athletic and we do in fact own a porch, so I'll allow it."

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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