Did you know that Hillary Clinton has a plan to steal the US American election for Satan, and that making sure Paul Ryan won his primary and continues as speaker of the House is part of that plan? PROBABLY YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, because you don't read Real.True.News, where the "news" is "real" and "true." And who the fuck are these people at the Real.True.News? We dunno. They go by names like Max Insider and #NeverEVERHillary, which work as journalist names AT LEAST as goodly as "Maureen Dowd" and "David Brooks." So anyway, we don't even know if it's a totally legit webtubes place, but it has a SCOOP nonetheless:

You've heard that the election is going to be rigged. That was speculation. Now we've seen it. Last night In the WI01 District where a Trump freedom-fighter, Paul Nehlen was facing down GOP-Establishment candidate (and Speaker of the House) Paul Ryan we saw a test-fire of the same software and strategy that the Clinton campaign is counting on to win in November.

Our sources worked with one of the technical minds behind DemVotesMatter, the code-name for the complex system that is being used to destroy American democracy.

Oh hell yeah, baby, we donate all our whore diamonds to DemVotesMatter every day, how did they ever find out about it??? Anyfuck, there is an exclusive interview with the "technical mind," and we learn the following #ShockFacts:

RealTrueNews: What happened last night? Can you tell us?

DNC Technical Consultant: Last night we took a land-slide victory for Paul Neheln and we reversed it--utterly. We turned it into a blow-out for Ryan. It's unbelievable, but everybody bought it.

RTN: You seem shaken.

DNCT: It was more effective than even I thought it would be. The guy had the votes. He had the momentum. He had the platform. What he never had was a chance.

One of the true marks of a person doing a conspiracy is how they are always like, "HAHA fooled you, let us tell the internet our secret plans!" Illuminati does it all the time, in a common practice known as "Beyoncé dropping a surprise new single."

Anyway, here is how the evil, dark DemVotesMatter stoled the election for Paul Ryan, who is as beloved by Democrats as he is by his own mama:

So there are three basic parts to steeling an election. The first is to make sure their guys don't go to the polls. We build a psychological matrix for, literally, every voter in the battle-space. We have a network showing their friends and family, where they get their news, their take on the issues. With social media penetration--we got all the back doors from the NSA through Obama Administration leaks--it's really easy to see who's a supporter.

Once we have, say Paul Nehlen guys identified, then we start wearing them down. We hit them with bad polls. Put stuff on their Facebook Wall or whatever to demoralize them. We tell them--we tell their subconscious, really--that Nehlen can't win. This will get us about 25% decrease in actual votes and we can tell before the election day who is going to stay home.

Then we go to work on the voting itself: We want to compromise voting machines--not all of them--just a handful. Since we know who is likely to go, we have agents go in and do a refit. Takes about 40 seconds. After that, we can do anything to it.

We've also got vote-counters. Our software goes through their email, social media, whatever. The guy's cheating? We figure it out. Owes money he can't pay? Bingo. We don't have to do a "cold approach." With our data advantage, we just hit a few select people and they roll right over.

That was the theory, anyway. We didn't know until last night.

And it worked, hooray! Never again will Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi go to bed crying at the thought that maybe Paul Ryan won't be in the House Of Representatives anymore, because they got together and #RIGGEDIT. And according to the anonymous, over-excited dingleberry who supposedly talked to the Real.True.News, which may or may not even be a real thing, they're takin' the WHOLE 2016 ELECTION!

So there we go, probably the first and last time we'll mention that website, but if you crave MORE MORE MORE, please read this interview, where a breathless alleged staffer for spills the beans on how Nate Silver and all the other pollsters in America make up lies to tell the media while they do 69's on each other's bottoms.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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