Donate

Congressman Cowpoke strikes again, and this time he's coming for your RICO! If only we were joking, but NO! Devin Nunes has dropped his lawsuit against his own constituents for calling him Not A Farmer, and is declaring victory and moving on to suing the rest of the world! We read Devin Nunes's entire dungheap of a pleading in Nunes v. Fusion GPS, and that goddamn idiot really is suing Fusion GPS, Glenn Simpson, and the Campaign for Accountability for murdering him with RICOs to stop him discovering their evil plot against Donald Trump. And he's doing it in Virginia, where none of the defendants reside or do business because, you know, reasons.

As in most of his frivolous lawsuits, Nunes is represented by the most excellent libelslander lawyer Steven Biss, who resides in Charlottesville and on the fine servers at Earthlink. (Yes, really.) He's been suspended from the practice of law a couple times, but don't worry, guys, he's good now.

Biss starts off the complaint in his signature style, with a bunch of rando autobiographical details about the plaintiff, who was born in Tulare, California, is of Portuguese descent, and sat on the board of the College of the Sequoias from 1996 to 2002, where "he was an advocate for distance learning and the expansion of programs available to high school students." So far, so irrelevant.

But then ...


The Defendants' ongoing and continuous racketeering activities are part of a joint and systematic effort to intimidate, harass, threaten, influence, interfere with, impede, and ultimately to derail Plaintiff's congressional investigation into Russian intermeddling in the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election. In furtherance of their conspiracy, the Defendants, acting in concert and with others, filed fraudulent and retaliatory "ethics" complaints against Plaintiff that were solely designed to harass and intimidate Plaintiff, to undermine his Russia investigation, and to protect Simpson, Fusion GPS and others from criminal referrals.

That's right, the defendants did the RICO by filing ethics complaints against Nunes, which is obstruction of justice and tortious mail fraud that harmed him in his business and hurt his wee snowflake feefees. Not convinced? Well, give it a try it after drinking a delicious glass of fermented cow urine and watching fifty hours of Hannity in a row. That'll probably do the trick.

Anyway! Our Devin has somehow suffered $3.3 million of harm, which gets tripled because of all the RICOs. So let's make that $9.9 million, plus punitive damages of $350,000, plus attorney's fees and court costs. Cool?

#NotAllPortugueseCommunityCollegeBoardMembersWithAThingForCowsALLEGEDLY

Before the court reaches the "merits" of this "law suit" (Spoiler Alert: LOLOLOLOL), there might be just a wee problem establishing venue in the Eastern District of Virginia. To wit, Fusion GPS and CfA are located in DC, Glenn Simpson appears to live in the District and conduct his business there, and Devin Nunes lives in a cow pasture outside Fresno. But Devin's bovine intuition tells him that lots of Fusion's "donors" live in Virginia. PLUS:

The vast majority of Trump campaign foreign policy meetings between June 2016 and September 2016 occurred in Virginia in Arlington County and Fairfax County. Many of the key witnesses to the Defendants' corrupt business practices – including former FBI director, James Comey ("Comey"), Andrew McCabe ("McCabe"), Bruce Ohr, and Fusion GPS contractor, Nellie Ohr – reside in Virginia.

Yep, that's how venue works! Exactly.

Once Biss and Nunes had masterfully dispensed with the questions of jurisdiction and venue, it was on to 13 pages of breathless hyperventilating about DOSSIER and FISA and CARTER PAGE and GLENN SIMPSON PERJURY and PERKINS COIE and DNC and a bunch of loony shit that has fuck all to do with his case. But Devin's a Portuguese Ag Major from Tulare, so he's gotta be thorough! Not thorough enough to link to the ethics complaints filed by CfA which form the basis of the "conspiracy" against him, however. So let's do that here.

  • The first complaint points to five instances where details of closed-door House Intelligence testimony on the Russia investigation were leaked to the media in violation of House rules, apparently by then-HPSCI Chair Nunes or his staff;
  • The second regards the leak of Senator Mark Warner's texts with retired British spy Christopher Steele's lawyer Adam Waldman to Fox News, which is widely believed to have been through Nunes or one of his staffers;
  • And the third complaint alleges that Nunes failed to disclose the real value of his investment in a California winery. This one pissed Nunes off the most, since his wife is a preschool teacher who used her work email to finalize the deal. Because Mrs. Nunes is a public employee, activists got her email under public records laws, which is the same as calling in a troll storm on her preschool, "resulting in extensive harassment of these innocent, hard-working citizens of Tulare County, including hateful accusations that they teach bigotry and racism."

How would this amount to illegal conduct sufficient to satisfy the notoriously difficult-to-establish elements of a civil RICO conspiracy, you are asking?

Defendants' intended goal was to undermine confidence in Plaintiff, harass and overwhelm him with litigation, and distract him from his duties as a member of the House Intelligence Committee.

WAIT, HUH?

The "ethics" complaints, reported by media sympathizer McClatchy as if legitimate, were, in fact, deceitful political attacks designed to intimidate Plaintiff and obstruct his congressional investigation.

Oh, in that case, CHECK AND MATE!

But wait, there's more! It's bigger than that. Because conservative media consultant Liz Mair, and McClatchy news, and Southern California Americans for Democratic Action activist Michael Seeley, and the Democracy Integrity Project, and the law firm Zuckerman Spaeder, and the other law firm Perkins Coie, and the DNC and the Clinton campaign -- THEY WERE ALL IN ON IT!

Which Devin Nunes can prove because CfA paid $140,000 to Fusion GPS for something. And Devin's hometown paper The Fresno Bee, which is owned by McClatchy, was the first to report on Nunes's ethics complaints, which CANNOT BE A COINCIDENCE. Plus, The Federalist says that Nunes is a victim of Fusion GPS like Bill Browder and Sergei Magnitsky. It's all so obvious, sheeple!

So please make that check out for $10.5 million, give or take. Send it care of Devin's stupendous lawyer Steven Biss, and it will go some way to help poor Devin recover from all the RICOs and the "common law conspiracies." Or you can send it to Your Wonkette, to help us recover from reading another batshit, frivolous lawsuit that would embarrass an incarcerated pro se litigant forced to handwrite motions on a yellow legal pad.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

[Nunes v. Fusion GPS]

Follow Liz (AKA your FDF) on Twitter!

You likin' these lawsplainers? Well click here to keep 'em coming!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc