When we last left Devin Nunes he was rolling around in a pile of sleeping cows gleefully shouting "No co-MOOOOOOOO-sion! No co-MOOOOOOOOO-sion!"

OK, just kidding, that is just a rumor about Devin Nunes's most recent night of speed dating with cows! Allegedly!

Actually, he was just suing cows on the internet. (Not allegedly.)

Oh yeah, and yesterday he was calling for the resignation of House Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff, because he -- Devin Nunes -- thinks Adam Schiff has lost the trust of the American people and abused his position as chairman. (Not allegedly.)

Anyway, point is, Devin Nunes had a big Thursday. Because not only did he sit next to Schiff and whisper in his buddy's ear while Schiff was kicking his ass, he also went to see Maria Bartiromo over at the Fox Business network, to tell her he is ready to start making criminal referrals to the DoJ/FBI, so that they may put themselves in jail, for doing a COLLUSION WITCH HOAX against his beloved president, and by extension, to the American people. LOCK YOURSELF UP! LOCK YOURSELF UP!

"We are prepared now to at least submit our first criminal referral we think will grab everybody that we need to grab to make sure that there is a proper investigation," or "at least our referral over to DOJ," he added.

Neat. Do you really need more transcript than that, or can we just skip it, because Devin Nunes is a broken clock, and everything he says is the same, about fake made-up FISA court scandals and Hillary Clinton buying fake dossiers from Russian flea markets to hurt Donald Trump, YADDA YADDA YADDA #RELEASETHEMEMO? (If you want video, it is here.)

It's funny because Devin Nunes -- Devin Nunes! -- is doing this after his committee pal Mike Conaway spent Thursday morning saying Adam Schiff needs to resign because he made people distrust "our institutions," which is something Devin Nunes would NEVER do! You know, by making up fake FISA scandals, obsessing to the point of sickness over two FBI agents who were fucking and sometimes texted each other that they didn't like Donald Trump, and writing bullshit memos that everybody laughs at, claiming he found all the smoking guns and lies the FBI told about its WITCH HUNT into the Trump campaign. Oh, and also one time he kicked out of his Uber on a late Washington DC evening with the ferocity of a cow who was mildly displeased to find itself in the backseat of a car, so he could traipse his sad ass to the White House to receive fake "intelligence" about the Obama administration doing "unmaskings" to Trump people in their routine surveillance of foreign enemy intel targets -- THOSE ARE TRUMP'S FRIENDS, GODDAMMIT! -- at which point he somersaulted across the White House lawn to give the White House the secret intel he had just received from the White House, which was so embarrassing he was forced to pretend to recuse himself from the House Intel Committee's investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 elections.

Oh, but our INSTITUTIONS! And now Devin Nunes is sending a sexy police cow to tell our institutions to put our institutions in jail, in order to remedy all the distrust in our institutions created by Adam Schiff. You betcha!

We are sure the FBI and DoJ will get right on it, because of how they are used to Devin Nunes wasting their time with the shit he hallucinates in his brain, which is never bringing the potato salad to the MENSA picnic.

We don't know for sure who is on Fucking Devin's list of criminal referrals, but we are just going to guess Hillary Clinton, James Comey, Peter Strzok, James Clapper, John Brennan, John Lennon, James Taylor, Peter Paul And Mary, Andrew McCabe, Bruce Ohr, Bruce Vilanch, Lisa Page, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano, Kelly Kapowski, Cow #1, Cow #2, Cows Gone Wild, Cows In Space, The Cow Of Christmas Past, The Cow Who Came In From The Cold, and British spy Christopher Steele.

Hey, genuine curious question. Does Devin Nunes's name appear in Bob Mueller's report? Because, HEY BILL BARR, we'd sure like to read that!

Anyway, this is all just very par for the course for America's most failed congressman who is currently suing an internet cow, and we're glad he's found ways to commit new and insane obstruction activities in his new position as the loser ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee. Because hey, if Fucking Devin can't waste America's time and damage our institutions, what's he even good for? Will his cow still love him in the morning? Will Donald Trump even tell him he's an American hero and give him Snausages?


Let's watch Adam Schiff's video again. It's all about how Fucking Devin is a fucking piece of shit.

[Talking Points Memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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