Devin Nunes Might Get To Be 'Director Of National Intelligence.' That's The Punchline.

In these Trump years, despite our best efforts, there's batshit news that would have been unthinkable under any other American presidential administration, that we sort of uncomfortably laugh at and say, "Yeah, sure, of course! WHATEVER!" One of the main reporters for Donald Trump's favorite "news" outfit (not Fox, the other one) is also a literal actual reporter on the Kremlin's payroll? Sure, why not! (If you watched Rachel Maddow last night, you know that we literally just stole the opening of this post from the opening of her "A" block. WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, MADDOW?)

But then there's the other kinds of news, the scooplets and rumors that actually knock the wind out of you and make you say, "No, that cannot be America. America cannot be that. Nope. Not possible." For instance, when you really absorb the reality of Donald Trump's concentration camps and realize that it is happening here.

And maybe another example is when you learn from Natasha Bertrand at Politico that people are saying Devin Nunes (R-Cows), the former chair of the House Intelligence Committee who spent an entire Congress pissing all over our national security in order to protect a criminal likely Russian asset president, and who is currently suing an imaginary internet cow for hurting his feelings, might be Donald Trump's pick to become the Director of National Intelligence. That's right, because word on the street for a while has been that Dan Coats is on his way out, because Coats has this obnoxious habit of telling the truth about foreign threats to America -- especially Russian ones -- and appearing to be vaguely kind and intelligent, three characteristics that are entirely out of keeping with the Trump administration's ethos.

The news is that Trump recently met with the Congressman From Moo Cow at the White House to discuss who might be good to replace Coats, which is leading people to speculate that Nunes himself might be a top choice. And they're leaking it to Politico, because we guess they are like HOLY SHIT THAT IS NOT AN OPTION, LEAK LEAK LEAK! We don't know if Nunes had to somersault out of an Uber to go to this particular White House meeting, or if he visited the White House before going to the White House to get some secret White House intel to give to the White House about Barack Obama improperly "unmasking" Donald Trump, but maybe he did.

As Politico notes, Nunes isn't the only name that's come up as a possible new DNI. There's actual batshit person Fred Fleitz, who used to be John Bolton's chief of staff, who now runs a batshit anti-Muslim think tank. You might be familiar with him if you're an old balls idiot who watches Fox News, because he goes on there a lot. Natasha Bertrand also reports that Sue Gordon, the career official who's currently serving as Dan Coats's number two, is a name that's come up, particularly from people in the intelligence community. Wonkette has never met Sue Gordon and we know nothing about her, but because she is a "career official," we are officially #TeamSue, and we are ready and willing to bribe people with candy canes and false promises of new coke machines in the school cafeteria if only they pick her to be our new DNI.


"The president would certainly consider Devin Nunes for the director's position and I eventually see him serving in some capacity in this administration," said one member of Congress who speaks to Trump frequently. He noted, however, that he sees "all of Devin's efforts being directed towards a reelection effort in Congress."

And how does anybody with two fucking brain cells to rub together feel about this?

Such speculation has provoked some anxiety at the top of ODNI, according to one person with direct knowledge.

Write us an unintentionally hilarious sentence about this, Natasha Bertrand:

Trump and Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, are closely aligned on intelligence issues.

That's a loaded statement right there. Yes, Trump and Nunes are aligned on "intelligence" issues, in that they both behave like they're working for Russian "intelligence." Also, Nunes is a man about whom a Republican insider once said, "No one is asking him to bring the potato salad to the MENSA picnic." Meanwhile, Donald Trump thinks F35 airplanes are literally invisible and that windmills cause cancer.

Yes indeed, those two men are "closely aligned on intelligence issues" in another way, by which we mean they are two of the dumbfuckingest people ever to be born in the United States of America. (For an exhaustive look at how stupid Devin Nunes really is, check out this article, and also every other article on the internet about Devin Nunes.)

All of this is horrifying, not least because handing Nunes the keys to the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) would be tantamount to gifting that office directly to the Kremlin, and also because we don't know if their doorways are wide enough for all the cows Devin Nunes would probably bring to work every day (allegedly) and does ODNI even have a big enough backyard for when the cows need to go outside and poop?



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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