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Put your tongue back in your mouth, jackass.


Oh goodie, it's Friday, the day we've all been waiting for, when Republican House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes gives us all the sexxxy goods on the secret documents he's seen that prove that Donald Trump is innocent of all Russian scandals, past, present and future! Except he didn't do that.

Before we get to what Nunes said in the presser he threw Friday, here is some aggravating news. We'll let Democratic ranking member Adam Schiff tell you it, because he is PISSED:

Holy shit, the White House must be SPOOKED.

So, in Nunes's presser, he lurched his greasy rodent body in the direction of the reporters with the microphones, and he said the House Intel Committee is bringing FBI Director James Comey and Admiral Mike Rogers back, but this time for a closed session, because it's just no fun when the American public gets to find out about the investigation into the maybe criminal behavior of the president and his inner circle.

He also told us that Paul Manafort, the possible Russian spy who ran Donald Trump's campaign (a very, very minor role!), has "volunteered" to testify before the House Intelligence Committee! Hooray! Will we get to see it? Unclear. Will he be under oath, or are Devin Nunes's rules of engagement that Manafort is allowed to just lie or whatever? Also unclear.

Now, don't think Manafort coming in means Nunes is about to bring in other members of Trump's inner circle like Roger Stone, because he's not gonna do NEO-MCCARTHYISM to people, just because he saw their names in the newspaper in stories about Trump's connections with Russia. This is, of course, strange, because seeing stuff in the newspaper is a high enough standard for the president! Maybe if the National Enquirer tucked the Russia story into one of its breaking news thingies about how Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK and faked the moon landing and is also the Loch Ness Monster, Nunes would see fit to bring in some witnesses for questioning!

As for the other names ... many names have been mentioned by several members of Congress and all of you. As I've said before, we're not going to get into a Neo-McCarthyism era here, where we just start bringing in Americans because they were mentioned in a press story. And I'm highly concerned about that.

Whatever, jackass.

As for other fun moments in the Nunes presser, he claimed he has SEEN INTELLIGENCE STUFF where members of the Trump transition team were unmasked, and says hey maybe the unmasking was done appropriately and legally by whatever intelligence agency, but HE doesn't think it was for a good reason, and Devin Nunes is qualified to make that decision because he's a Stupid Dumbass Trump Supporter a very important intelligence agency unto himself. The American intelligence apparatus is, and always has been, the CIA, the NSA, and this one chick "Devin," who is the most important one.

Tell us, Spy King:

So, uh, there are reasons to unmask names, I can tell you without question, at least some of what I've seen, I don't know what that reason would be, maybe someone has a good reason for us, but not from what I've been able to read.

Now, it's important to remember that, in a complete contradiction of everything Nunes just said, one of his aides said Thursday that he doesn't actually know if members of the Trump transition team were "unmasked," but he just feels it, in his heart. Nunes confirmed his aide's account and also contradicted himself, in today's presser, saying "we won't know that until we actually receive all of the documentation."

Are you groaning right now? We are groaning.

Nunes, of course, is still the only one who has seen the supposed "secret intelligence documents" that show how members of the Trump transition team were improperly and unfairly (yet legally and incidentally!) unmasked, or not unmasked, because they are too secret even to share with the rest of the House Intelligence Committee, or even with his Democratic counterpart, ranking member Adam Schiff.

Did we mention Schiff is pissed? He threw his own presser after Nunes did, to lay the smackdown about how the chairman is so far up Trump's ass he can't see straight, and how we need an independent commission so there's at least SOME entity out there that the American public can trust to be investigating this scandal. A reporter asked Schiff if he thinks Nunes should just go ahead and step aside as chair, since he blows so hard, and here was Schiff's reply:

Ultimately that's a decision that the speaker needs to make. And I think the speaker has to decide, just as well as our own chairman, whether they want a credible investigation being done here, whether they want an investigation that the public can have confidence in. The events of this week are not encouraging. I think anyone watching them has very legitimate and profound concerns about whether this Congress can indeed do a credible investigation.

I think that ... one of the profound takeaways of the last couple days is we really do need an independent commission here, because the public, at the end of the day, needs to have confidence that someone has done a thorough investigation, untainted by political considerations.

Schiff added that it needs to be kind of like the 9/11 Commission, and we agree. Also, SPECIAL PROSECUTOR, PLEASE.

In conclusion, Adam Schiff is a goddamned patriot, and Devin Nunes needs to SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Haven't we already told him to do that once this week? Well we're sayin' it again!

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[CNN / Bradd Jaffy's Twitter feed, which is a godsend]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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