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Dial 9-9-9 For Economic Murder: Trump Picks Herman Cain For Fed

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Donald Trump once again proved he's still capable of shocking a nation practically desensitized to his craziness. Trump announced today that he's picked Herman Cain for a seat on the Federal Reserve board. Cain is currently being "vetted," which doesn't seem possible because we're actually talking about him. A true "vetting" process would involve seeing Cain's name on a list, laughing hysterically, and then moving on to someone who won't wreck the economy.

Unlike Cain, the Federal Reserve is kinda important. It's the central bank of the United States. It raises and lowers interest rates. It ... we don't need to go any further. The mobster movie pizza guy is in no way qualified for this. Trump doesn't care. He just wants to put his own lackeys on the board so they'll do what he says. Cain also has the benefit of making Trump's choice for another open seat look less ridiculous. Stephen Moore is a supply-side hack whom Trump described as "a very respected economist." The only true word there was "a." Moore advised Trump's presidential campaign, as well as Cain's significantly less successful one in 2012. We're afraid that Trump plans to fill all future Fed vacancies from Cain's iPhone contacts.


Cain does have experience as a director of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City, but yesterday Bloomberg's Michael McKee shot down the idea that this in any way prepared Cain for the prime time Federal Reserve.

MCKEE: The board of directors of Fed regional banks manage the business of the bank. They don't do much at all with monetary policy... It's some experience, some exposure... but it's not a policy-making role where you'd consider what's going on.

The Republican establishment liked to compare Trump's 2016 candidacy to Cain's extended audition for a Fox News show. Then Trump actually started winning primaries. This is perhaps a not-so-subtle middle finger to those who doubted America's unique talent for self-destruction.

Cain abandoned his huckster bid for the presidency after multiple women accused him of sexual misconduct during his time as head of the National Restaurant Association. We guess none of that matters now in the post-pussy-grabbing era. Trump, ever the champion of women, defended Cain in 2011 and suggested his accusers wanted to have "their names splashed across the front pages." Has any woman ever achieved fame and fortune from accusing a man of sexual misconduct? It's probably the plot of a future Ben Shapiro novel, but it's not real life.

TRUMP: I think it's a very ugly witch hunt and I think it's very unfair. You say, "Oh, hello, darling, how are you?" And you get sued because you've destroyed somebody's life. It's ridiculous. And I think it's very unfair to him.

That is exactly what Sharon Bialek accused Cain of doing: He said, "Oh, hello, darling, how are you?" before allegedly trying to rape her in his car.

Generally speaking, rape accusations and multiple sexual harassment charges, some of which Cain settled, usually come up during the first half hour of a vetting process and would scuttle the nomination. However, Trump thinks Cain is in "great shape." Senator Mitt Romney is less confident about Cain.

"If Herman Cain were on the Fed, you'd know the interest rate would soon be 9-9-9," Romney said in an interview on Thursday afternoon.

After someone laughed politely, Romney dispensed with the levity and made a serious point:

"I would like to see nominees that are economists first and not partisans. I think it's important that the Fed be a nonpartisan entity."

But who cares what Romney thinks? Trump just needs 50 gutless Susan Collins and Ben Sasse frauds to confirm Cain. This is why Mitch McConnell has systematically shredded every last Senate norm. The Democratic minority has nothing left but Dad jokes.

What in the name of Jay-Z is this?Twitter

The "9-9-9" that Romney and Schumer mention in their comedy routines refers to Cain's idiotic tax plan. Many of your conservative relatives thought it was a good idea for a week or so back in 2011. Cain also has advocated for a return to the gold standard. You're probably going to lose your house.

[Bloomberg / LA Times / CNN / Politico]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.

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