Remember how excited we all got in July, when we found out that gay-hating asshole Texas A.G. Ken Paxton might be a great big crimer and get indicted and have to go to jail and sell his white collar butthole to other white collar inmates for cigarettes and stuff? The day has come, at least for the indictment, all gathered here together rejoice!


The charges — two counts of first-degree securities fraud and one count of third-degree failure to register — are tied to Mr. Paxton’s work soliciting clients and investors for two companies while he was a member of the Texas House of Representatives, before he was elected attorney general in November.

In the most serious charges, first-degree securities fraud, Mr. Paxton is accused of misleading investors in a technology company, Servergy Inc., which is based in McKinney, his hometown. He is accused of encouraging the investors in 2011 to put more than $600,000 into Servergy while failing to tell them he was making a commission on their investment ...

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YADDA YADDA securities fraud is boring, the important part is that if Paxton is guilty, not just of being a thin-lipped fuckweasel, but also of doing these crimes, then he gets to go to jail forever maybe, because this is how Texas Justice works:

A conviction for a first-degree felony in Texas can carry a punishment of life in prison or a sentence of five to 99 years.

Goodbye asshole, hopefully! The NYT helpfully points out that his third-degree charge could have its own sentence of two to ten years, so, doing some math, hold on, carry the two, we think this means he's going to jail for eleventy thousand years.

Paxton's knob-slobbing defenders are crying about how this is a political witch hunt by some dirty bloggers or some such shit, because of course they are. His spokesman Anthony Holm whined the following words at the Austin American-Statesman:

If society continues to overlook this witches’ brew of jury tampering, media leaks and freshman prosecutors, we may wake up to find the office of the attorney general of Texas at the mercy of two criminal defense attorneys who take checks from the very drug cartel leaders and child molesters the attorney general tries to imprison.

Oh that's some loaded bullshit there at the end, isn't it? Drug cartel leaders! KID RAPISTS! And on the other side is poor, put-upon, virginally white-as-snow Ken Paxton, who wouldn't be in all this trouble if he hadn't been trying to help an old lady cross the street while volunteering for the Red Cross, at which point he just happened to trip into a pile of securities fraud.

BUT IS THAT REALLY THE THING HERE? No. Because if you'll remember, before the indictment, the Texas Rangers weren't actually looking for evidence of these alleged crimes, but rather, looking into something else entirely, and then stumbled upon some OH LOOK, here is some alleged crime that is bigger than the other thing we were looking into. Kent Schaffer, one of the special prosecutors on the case, says Paxton can hate him all he wants, but it's real fuckin' shitty to say mean stuff about the Texas Rangers:

“Even if you found fault with Brian Wice [the other special prosecutor] or myself, how do you find it with the Texas Rangers? These are the most honest, straightforward, incorruptible police officers you’re ever going to find. They don’t have political motivations, and they certainly wouldn’t have any against the sitting attorney general.”

Anyway, guess we'll find out if this is just some big political witchhunt or if, as is often the case with Texas wingnuts in positions of political power who are moralistic, gay-hating "traditional values" fucksticks, he is an actual crimer.

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If so, he will get to go to jail, goodbye, do not pass go, don't get your nutsack caught in the jailhouse door.

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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