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SERIAL EMAILER


Every time we write about "emails," we are like "Can we never again talk about Hillary's emails?" And the answer is always HAHA YOU ARE SILLY. This week saw the release of 30 new completely damning Benghazi emails, none of which were damning in any way whatsoever. And now we have an update on how Colin Powell gave Hillary all kinds of advice about how to be left alone to email in peace while serving as secretary of state.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605708/hillary-clintons-emails-totally-colin-powells-fault-why-does-colin-powell-hate-america"></a>[/wonkbar]We already knew Colin 'n' Hillz had snapchatted each other about emails and stuff, and Hillz claimed he also told her some good advice at a dinner party at her house. Colin was like "Nuh uh, that didn't happen," and he has been generally pissy about this whole idea of the Clinton people "trying to pin" the whole Hillary email non-scandal on him. But now, thanks to Democratic Rep. Elijah Cummings, we have a copy of a very sexxxy email Colin Powell sent to Hillary, in response to a question she asked about whether she could keep using her beloved BlackBerry. Surprise, it makes Hillary's private server look a hell of a lot better and more innocuous, in comparison to Powell, THE ORIGINAL EMAIL DEMON.

Let's read it together:

As always, we transcribe so your old-ass eyes can read:

I didn't have a BlackBerry. What I did do was have a personal computer that was hooked up to a private phone line (sounds ancient.) So I could communicate with a wide range of friends directly without it going through the State Department servers. I even used it to do business with some foreign leaders and some of the senior folks in the Department on their personal email accounts. I did the same thing on the road in hotels.

AHA! Colin Powell used his Hotmail Yahoo Friendster account to send love notes to his pals AND to foreign leaders AND to his colleagues at State! Of course, a difference here is that Powell also had a State email address, but here he is, HIDING OFFICIAL SHIT FROM PRYING EYES.

In the next paragraph, Powell explains that the NSA and CIA were totally up his ass about PDAs, saying "nonsense about how they gave out signals and could be read by spies." Nonsense! Why does Colin Powell not believe the spies are watching him??? He says his questions about what was and wasn't secure never got answered to his satisfaction, so "we just went about our business and stopped asking." He had what he calls an "ancient version of a PDA," he fuckin' used it, and he ain't care what anybody has to say about it.

Then he warned Hillz about having a BlackBerry:

If it is public that you have a BlackBerry ... and you are using it, government or not, to do business, it may become an official record and subject to the law. [...] Be very careful. I got around it by not saying much and not using systems that captured the data.

Holy shit, Colin Powell, why don't you just give Hillary advice on how to hide the bodies of all the people she does Clinton Body Count to? Wanna try to sell her some weed drugs and tell her all the cool kids are doing it?

In the last paragraph, Powell says all the security was a TOTAL bummer, and he hated having people follow him around all the time, and that he had to sign a waiver that said it was his own damn fault if he got "whacked" while he was out doing his little errands by himself on the weekends.

And what does Mister Email Monster have to say for himself?

"Secretary Clinton has stated that she was not influenced by my email in making her decisions on email use. I was not trying to influence her but just to explain what I had done eight years earlier to begin the transformation of the State Department's information system," Powell said.

UH HUH.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/603829/comey-hearings-just-a-bunch-of-house-republicans-stepping-on-own-dicks-again"></a>[/wonkbar]So ... how bad does Hillary's email server look now? NOT SO BAD! Of course, we already knew it was NOT SO BAD, because the FBI fucking said so when it recommended that no charges be brought against her. And FBI Director James Comey said this week that when it came to deciding whether or not to charge her, it was "not a cliff-hanger," by which he meant pretty much everybody agreed there was no case against her.

NOW, can we stop talking about Hillary's emails forever? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you must be new here.

[Rebecca Shabad on Twitter / Politico via Vox]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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