Did Devin Nunes Fuck A Bad Cow Before He Went On 'Fox & Friends'?

Hey look, new screenshot of Devin Nunes's stupid face!

As we mentioned this morning, the Democratic response to Devin Nunes's dumb lie memo of lies, about how the FBI unfairly and improperly abused its power to surveil Trump Campaign foreign policy adviser Carter Page, was released on Saturday afternoon. It proved conclusively that Devin Nunes is full of shit, and also a liar. So of course, Nunes had to spend his Sunday morning defending his integri-tah, and because no respected news network would have him, he did it on "Fox & Friends."

It, um ... it did not go well. Of course, by the standards of "Fox & Friends," that means it went AWESOME.

Nunes says the Democratic memo should "scare people," because he thinks the Democratic memo says we always collude with our enemies the Russians and the Britishes to "dig up dirt" on our political opponents, and then the FBI starts investigations based on that because the Democrats tell them to. "That's what the Democratic memo says," according to Devin Nunes. That is ... well, that's a radical interpretation of the text! To be fair, though, it's probable Devin Nunes hasn't read the Democratic memo, just like his dumb ass hasn't read the intelligence his own memo is based on.

Nunes also says Adam Schiff didn't want Adam Schiff's memo released because it was soooo embarrassing, because that is just obviously true.

Here is a very good Devin Nunes quote about literal Russian recruit Carter Page, who according to the squirrels what live in Devin Nunes's brain was paid by the Democrats to spy on the Trump campaign. That's right, Devin Nunes gave live birth to a conspiracy theory LIVE ON FOX NEWS:

Why is it now that Carter Page, who had a warrant on him for a year from a secret court, why is he running around free going on Comedy Central now? This is somebody that they framed. They set up to go in and spy on the other political party.

Um ... OK! Suuuuure, crazy person! They've been framing Carter Page since he first ended up on the FBI's radar as a Russian intelligence asset back in 2013, by forcing him to cavort with Russian spies EVERYFUCKINGDAY of his life, then sending him to work for Donald Trump in 2016, and forcing Donald Trump to hire him! That way, it would be really easy for the FBI to spy on the Trump campaign, by getting another FISA warrant on Carter Page a month after he left the Trump campaign. Sneaky Democrats!

We must again ask why the FUCK are Republicans dying on the hill of defending Carter Page, the dumbest, most whack-ass Russian intelligence recruit of all the Russian intelligence recruits associated with Donald Trump? It leads us to suspect the full story of Carter Page will put lots of top Trump people in prison!

Finally, Nunes has thoughts about why people write mean headlines about how stupid he is every single time he releases a memo or ninja rolls out of Ubers in the middle of the Washington DC night, so he can run to the White House to get secret "intel" from the White House about "Obama people" doing "unmasking," then immediately runs across the White House lawn to tell the White House what he just learned from the White House. Apparently the media writes those things because the media is "dead," and because Devin Nunes is TOO RIGHT:

... [T]he media in this country, the fair and balanced media, is for the most part -- I mean 90 percent of them are hard left. [...] So when they attack people like me, it actually means that I'm over the target, and I'm getting to them because they have to attack me in order, number one, to please their masters, their billionaire masters. And number two, they also have to do it because they're in on this.

"BILLIONAIRE MASTERS?" Couldn't Devin Nunes have just said "gross Jews"? Because we feel like he meant "gross Jews."

Also, we fucking love it when Devin Nunes says that when people attack him, it's because he's getting too close. Yes, that's right, everyone is afraid of the cunning investigative work of Devin Nunes, whose brain may have Mad Cow Disease on account of how he MIGHT fuck cows.

The Fox News idiots were very pleased with the golden poo Devin Nunes had presented unto them, and complimented him in kind:

ED HENRY: Chairman Nunes, you've been ahead of the curve! [...]

PETE HEGSETH: You're pointing out the collusion between the Democrats and the media. Thank you, Mr. Chairman, appreciate your time!

Jesus fucking heavens to Murgatroyd on a biscuit, did Nunes and the Fox News morons all romance THE SAME BAD COW before they went on TV? We just don't know, but if right-wingers can believe in #PizzaGate, we can believe Devin Nunes and Fox News hosts have dirty #MooSex with #BadCows, and that is why they are how they are.

It is only Fair and Balanced to allow us to do so.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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