Not one bit.

Here's a spicy rumor started by Donald J. Trump that may or may not be true, since Donald J. Trump lies a lot! According to previously unreleased conversations between Trump and Howard Stern in December of 2005, the president's first- and second-born children, NeedsABag McOverHisHead Junior and Bitsy, are just the kind of entitled fucks you'd imagine they are, and MAYBE they conspired to have Trump's fourth child, Tiffany, bumped out of her inheritance like a common crime family murder victim reality TV contestant who just got voted off the island.

Newsweek got the scoop:

Donald Trump told Howard Stern that Ivanka and Donald Jr. weren’t happy when they discovered they’d have another sibling, and agreed when Stern asked whether the two were working together to “bump off a child.” [...]

“I have a friend who is also like a very rich guy,” Trump said to Stern, according to the tapes. “And he said how his children hate the new children coming along and everything else; I said, 'Yeah, because every time you have a child, it's 20 percent less to the people [Inaudible].’”

The conversation quickly switched paths to the subject of “making love to Melania during the pregnancy,” but not before serving one last, swift blow to Tiffany Trump.

Stern asked Trump if Donald Jr. and Ivanka were trying to “bump off a child.”

Trump immediately responded with, “Tiffany?”

“Is there any truth to that? [Inaudible] Tiffany?” Stern asked. Trump said he had great children and evaded the question until Stern asked again: “Tell me the truth, though.”

“Yes,” Trump said.

WHOA. IF. TRUE. And completely unsurprising! From everything we can tell, Trump Junior and First Lady Ivanka Trump are DICKS, and the only reason they have anything in life is because of their idiot father. Can you imagine what they'd be doing if they weren't Trump kids? Ivanka would probably be that TJ Maxx employee who steals merch after her shift and Junior would probably be ... just masturbating a lot and not really having a "job" per se.

According to the transcripts, Daddy Trumpbucks said none of his kids, even "To A Lesser Extent Tiffany," should worry about their inheritance, because at the very least, they will get "Trump Online University" and "Trump Ice." Trump's scammy "university," of course, is #LOLdead, and Trump Ice is apparently bottled water with Trump's face on it, and we imagine it's downright undrinkable. The website says when you taste it, "the difference is clear," so you'll pardon us for wondering if the secret ingredient is Russian hooker pee. Just saying.

Two (2) questions for your consideration:

  • How in tarnation does Eric Trump factor into this? He's literally not mentioned in the conversation. Wouldn't he, as the third child of the "original" Trump family, be in cahoots with his big sisters to steal the inheritance from that new girl from dad's second marriage? Or were the older ones trying to "bump" him too? Or is he considered so stupid by the entire Trump family that, instead of being given an inheritance of his own, when Old Man Trump buys the farm, one of the two older children will get Eric in the will, and it will be their I'm A Big Kid Now responsibility to make sure their dumbfuck little brother is fed and washed and taken out twice a day to poop? Just wondering!
  • Is this why Donald Trump Jr. got rid of his Secret Service Protection for five minutes, then got it right back? Did he have to take some personal time, away from their prying eyes, to go murder Tiffany with a gold-plated sconce from Trump Tower, so she doesn't get all that "Trump money," which definitely exists? We are just asking! And we are just suggesting somebody should go check on Tiffany!

Oh well, the only thing we know for certain in this post is that Donald Trump will one day die, and that Junior and Ivanka are fuckheads. The rest of the details are up to God.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click here to fund us!


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Nancy Pelosi is making news again today after her weekly press conference, mostly because she said this about yesterday's nutbag performance from President Stable Genius:

[T]his time, another temper tantrum — again — I pray for the President Of The United States. I wish him and his family, his administration and staff would have an intervention for the good of the country.

She prays for him. And she's just kind of suggesting that maybe the president is unwell, in his brain. She's being very subtle!

When Glenn Thrush asked afterward what kind of "intervention" she might be talking about, she suggested that Article 25 would be just fine.

But many folks out there right now are saying "BUT WHAT ABOUT INPEACH! They are not going to do an intervention, because the intervention is called INPEACH!" (They are taking her words very literally, it would seem.) Every other damn day lately, there is news about how "NANCY SAID INPEACH IS BAD" or "NANCY SAID TRUMP'S ACTIONS IS SELF-INPEACH-ATORY, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, NANCY!" and whatever else, we don't know, because we have muted all of Twitter until further notice. (Here is some news about the House Democrats' weekly meeting yesterday, most of which was about Democrats yelling INPEACH! while Nancy Pelosi gave them cold showers.)

Here's the thing:

In today's presser, Pelosi was clearer than ever about her feelings on impeachment -- she doesn't like it, and she'd really hate for the nation to get to a place where that's inevitable, she is just saying it would be truly terrible for them to have to do that -- but they might just be FORCED to go there. And wouldn't that be just terrible? Nancy Pelosi is praying about that just like she is praying for Trump, under a big oak tree that casts all the shade she threw at Donald Trump for her entire fucking presser.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

Happy Throwback Thursday! Remember Paul Manafort? He's still in jail, don't worry. But it looks like he might be getting some company soon from his old pal Stephen Calk, who just got indicted today by the Southern District of New York.

Calk was a simple CEO and COB at the Federal Savings Bank of Chicago, but he had big dreams. He'd been an army pilot and a money guy, so he figured he was competent to be either Secretary of Treasury or Secretary of Army. He'd take Commerce or HUD, or even a cool ambassadorship to France, or the UK, or the UN -- he wasn't picky. Just any old position befitting a guy who is 100 percent going to be played by Michael McKean in the movie version of this nightmare.

Luckily Calk knew a guy on the inside. Sure that guy had recently been You're Fired from the Trump campaign for ratfucking the Ukrainian election, but Paul Manafort was still waving his bits all over Trumpland in the summer and fall of 2016, so Paul Manafort had the hookup that Calk needed. Luckily, Calk had what Manafort needed, which was MONEY. Manafort's fountain of untaxed cash had dried up since the Ukrainians gave his guy Viktor Yanukovych the boot, and he was in danger of losing multiple investment properties to foreclosure. So naturally Calk stepped up to the plate with $15 million in loans to keep the wolves at bay, because what are friends with more political ambition than scruple for, right?

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc