Adam Rippon

Remember our favorite male figure skater in the Olympics this year, Adam Rippon, who has been coyly rejecting Mike Pence's constant requests for dates in PyeongChang? Rippon is still trending on Twitter this morning because, in his Olympic debut, he blew the roof off the stadium with one of the most beautiful, well-executed free skates we have EVER seen, leading the American team to a combined bronze medal. (Don't worry, this was just the team event, you didn't miss the individual contests. They start very soon!)

But while it was wonderful, we have a quibble -- with the judges, who are idiots. (We are not the only ones who think so.) OR MAYBE Russia hacked into the judges' computers/brains and underscored Rippon, because they are dicks like that.

You see, before Rippon skated, there was a dude named Mikhail Kolyada, representing the "Olympic Athletes from Russia," because that asshole country is banned from the Olympics, because it cheats constantly. Kolyada's skate was ... boring. It was uninspired. It was slightly more technically difficult than Adam Rippon's, but it was also slightly more FALL DOWN GO BOOM.

(Rippon's performance featured zero FALL DOWN GO BOOM. Its only flaw was apparently one slight under-rotation on a jump.)

Kolyada skated an Elvis medley, the "artistic" nature of which consisted of, "Ehhhhhh, my Russian friend Yakov say if I curl my lip like this, I look like American Elvis!" Seriously, there was nothing else. Commentators Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir noticed it. Everybody noticed it.

Everybody also noticed how they were goddamned SPEECHLESS after Adam Rippon's near-flawless skate, which used music from Coldplay and the Cinematic Orchestra. Here is a small clip, because NBC is stingy: