Did Someone Bet A Moist Papa John That He Could Not Eat 40 Pizzas?

Post-Racial America
Did Someone Bet A Moist Papa John That He Could Not Eat 40 Pizzas?

Last year, John Schnatter, the founder of trash pizza chain "Papa John's" stepped down from his position as CEO following comments he made in November of 2017 about how the NFL was hurting his pizza business by letting players kneel to protest police brutality. Then, earlier this year, he stepped down as Chairman of the Board of Directors after being taped on a conference call saying "Colonel Sanders called black people n*****."

And now he's back, doing a very wild interview with WDRB in Kentucky, in which he claims that a day of reckoning is coming, and also that he ate 40 pizzas in 30 days. This probably explains why he is so moist, given that probably has not had a bowel movement in a month. I love pizza, but that is just not healthy.

That clip is something else, and while it's composed of several out of context statements Schatter made in the interview, putting them in context does not help in the least. It's not embeddable, so you'll have click here if you wanna watch the whole sordid thing.

In the full interview, Schnatter claims that the only reason anyone was mad about the thing that he said was that they didn't understand that he was actually "quoting another founder," meaning to say that what he said was bad. The problem with this is that everyone knows what he said, and that context does not actually help any of it. Because generally, when one wants to convey that using a racial slur is bad, they do not then use that racial slur in a sentence.

He then claims that this was all part of an evil plot to "use the black community" to get rid of him and steal his company. "Olivia Kirtley and Mark Shapiro should be in jail. It's that bad," he said.

To be fair, given the staggering amount of bad publicity Schnatter had generated for the company for many, many years, one can hardly blame them. In 2012, as you may recall, Schnatter explained that he opposed the Affordable Care Act because providing health care for his employees would cost "11 to 14 cents per pizza." Then there was the NFL thing, which resulted in a bunch of neo-Nazis expressing their support for the company, which was ... not great for the company. It's not as if it was one thing they purposely took out of context in order to nefariously destroy him.

Schnatter then goes on to talk about how the company is making bad pizza now that he is no longer in charge, which is where we get "I ate 40 pizzas in 30 days." Apparently, he's just been wandering around from Papa John's to Papa John's eating their pizza and is mad that it's not as "good" as it once was.

"It's not the same product. It just doesn't taste as good. The way they're making the pizza is just not fundamental to what makes a Papa John's pizza."

I am unclear on how that would not be an improvement.

If anyone is to be put in jail for crimes against pizza, it should be John Schnatter. Honestly, if they weren't dumping five pounds of Domino's sugar into every pizza, they could have easily afforded the 11-14 cents it cost to give their employees health care, and also their pizza would not be hot garbage and an insult to the great cuisine of my people.

Not to mention the fact that I will never stop being annoyed at a German guy from Kentucky calling himself "Papa John" to sell pizza. Why not go with Führer John? That seems more appropriate to me, given, you know, everything. I am not suggesting that Italians are an oppressed people, but it's just weird to pretend you are an ethnicity you are not to sell food.

I mean. You don't see me trying to open up "Fraulein Pennacchia's Haus of Schnitzel," fucking up the schnitzel and acting like a jackass, do you? Although I assume I could make schnitzel better than Papa John's makes pizza. It's what? Pretty much just like chicken parm without anything on it, right? I can do that.

I'm not saying that a German guy from Kentucky cannot make good pizza. Anything is possible and I am not a bigot! I am just saying that this particular German guy from Kentucky makes terrible pizza and is also a racist jerk who would rather his employees die than lose 11 cents on a pizza.

But I digress!

None of this is even the worst part of that interview. The worst part is where he talks about how he likes that Shaq is the spokesperson now ... but then goes on to explain how much "better" the commercials would be if he were in the commercials with "the founder," by which he means himself.

"I think if you had Shaq in the right role, I think he'd do great[...] I think that Shaq would be great complementing the founder. I mean, you got a guy that's 5'10" and a guy that's 7'2." I mean I think the comedy and the dynamics of the two personalities, that would be fun."

Would it though?


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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