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OH, LORD, WHEN WILL 2016 BE OVER? We will never escape that horrible year, no matter how many times we make our way around the sun. Case in point, literally: Just today, Julian Assange argued to a Westminster magistrate that he should not be extradited to the US to face hacking charges because his prosecution is entirely political. As proof, Assange says he has evidence that then-Congressman Dana Rohrabacher delivered a pardon offer in 2017 from Donald Trump. All Assange had to do was say publicly that Russia hadn't hacked the DNC to benefit the Trump campaign, and he could walk his stinky cat-lady ass out of the Ecuadorian embassy where he was holed up and go back to Australia.

A quid pro quo, if you will.


"Wait, WTF?" we said in the Slack, forgetting entirely that we ourselves had written several stories about it at the time. In our defense, a lot of shit has gone down in the past two-and-a-half years! But then we remembered that Rohrabacher and Holocaust-denying traitor wanker and award-winning "journalist" Chuck Johnson had parked their keisters in Assange's litter box that August in a desperate attempt to prove that Hillary was the real collusion.

When last we left the dipshits, Chuckles and Rohrabacher had taken a road trip to visit Assange in his rat cage at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. They sat around drawing I LUV PUTIN hearts on their Trapper Keepers for a while, debating whether the Putin on a Horse photo or Putin with a Tiger photo is sexier. Then Assange gave Rohrabacher proof Donald Trump won the election fair and square with his massive man hands. Well, it was actually a sheet of blank paper Assange wrote a secret message on using his own spit. But Rohrabacher has big plans to visit Trump and hold it over a lightbulb to prove that Hillary was the real Russia collusion-doer. Then Trump can pardon Assange, freeing his pasty ass to shit-tweet about Hillary Clinton for all eternity.

We were so young then!

Assange's lawyer Jennifer Robinson said in a statement produced to the court that her client will offer proof of "Mr Rohrabacher going to see Mr Assange and saying, on instructions from the president, he was offering a pardon or some other way out, if Mr Assange … said Russia had nothing to do with the DNC leaks."

Exchanging an official act, not to say a presidential pardon, for a political favor? Well, that sure doesn't sound like our president, SAID NO ONE EVER. But to be fair, Rohrabacher characterized himself at the time as basically freelancing, and complained that mean, old John Kelly, then the White House chief of staff, wouldn't let him near Trump.

"What is preventing me from talking to Trump about this is the existence of a special prosecutor," Rohrabacher told Roll Call. "Not only Kelly, but others are worried if I say one word to Trump about Russia, that it would appear to out-of-control prosecutors that that is where the collusion is."

The Wall Street Journal confirmed that Kelly tried to fob off the lunatic congressman, telling him that his super-duper intel "was best directed to the intelligence community." But Rohrabacher didn't trust the CIA, which had concurred with the other eight intel agencies that Russia had hacked the DNC, and was now trying "to cover their butt by having gone along with this big lie."

Pretty weird that those intel guys didn't just take Rohrabacher's word for it, huh?

It's hilarious, but also NOT, since Rohrabacher and Assange both publicly hinted that murdered DNC staffer Seth Rich might well have been the real source of hacked DNC emails, instead of Russia.

But back to 2020, where Stephanie Grisham lurched into action to blame Democrats for shit Julian Assange's lawyer said in an English courtroom, of course.

"The president barely knows Dana Rohrabacher other than he's an ex-congressman. He's never spoken to him on this subject or almost any subject. It is a complete fabrication and a total lie. This is probably another never-ending hoax and total lie from the DNC," derped Grisham. Because if there's one guy the DNC wants to help, obviously it's Julian Assange.

But more to the point, girl, please. Trump considered making Rohrabacher Secretary of State, before passing him over for Rex Tillerson. After seeing the congressman do his flimflam act on Fox in April 2017, Trump called him personally and invited him to the White House that very day. And Trump endorsed Rohrabacher for re-election, too. So, cut the shit, lady ... they've met.

But it didn't help, since Rohrabacher lost to Democrat Harley Rouda. Weak!

Hey, remember that hilarious time when Kevin McCarthy got caught on a hot mike saying, "There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump"? Well Rohrabacher's gone now. So that just leaves the one guy who has been suing everyone in sight for years to keep his tax returns out of the public record.

HUH.

[The Guardian / Roll Call / WSJ]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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