Hey kids, it's Hillary Clinton's Big Night, and no matter what happens, we can guaran-damn-tee we'll end the evening feeling a hell of a lot better about the world than we felt a week ago when Donald Trump laid out his vision of America as a post-apocalyptic hellscape, only without even the cheerful prospect of Mad Max and his doggie. We are on the threshold of history, the doorway to the future, the cusp of greatness, and the edge of wetness. You may have noticed that Yr Editrix is still missing in the Wilds of Montana, because Real Estate Is STUPID. She will share her Kafkaesque adventures with trying to close on her house someday soon, we imagine, as a parable of why no one in the Real Estate Industry should be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office.


So! It's DNC Night Four, and just like last Thursday, the big event involves a daughter introducing her parent, the party's nominee, except this week Chelsea Clinton will probably say things about her mother that actually bear some resemblance to the person she's introducing! The theme for the night is "Please dear merciful God can we finally get this over with?" And also pushing back against the decades-long Republican efforts to define this Hillary Clinton person. It takes a village to do that, too.

8:27 Former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm is here to talk economic stuff, and also probably how SHE sure as hell wouldn't have poisoned an entire damn city.

8:29 And as Gov. Granholm just reminded us, whenever you hear someone bitching about the auto industry "bailout," you can remind them that the loans were all paid back -- with interest.

8:31 Sassy ex-gov riffs on "You're So Vain," is actually funny!

We are all Flint, and ohana means family and that means nobody gets left behind. Lilo & Granholm!

8:35 A warm welcome for the Republicans for Hillary contingent, Doug Elmets and Jennifer Pierotti Lim, who aren't going to vote for no damn Trump. Yes, time to cue the angry bees saying this proves Hillary is a neoliberal shill, JUST LIKE REAGAN!

8:37 Jennifer Pierotti Lim is the co-founder of Republican Women for Hillary, and she is not going to stand still while some sexist schmuck ruins her party. She should join ours. We have cookies!

8:40 Sheriff Lupe Valdez from Dallas. We like her! She's yet another of the law enforcement voices that we haven't heard from at this convention, according to Donald Trump.

8:45 Jennifer Loudon, Wayne Walker, Wayne Owens, Barbara Owens: Family members of fallen police officers. Respect.

8:50 The family members were perfect -- no polemics, just remembrance.

8:55 And now a few words about bullies. Oh, my, this is good.

8:56 Reverend William Barber, head of the North Carolina NAACP and leader of the Moral Mondays demonstrations against the rightwing madness of the North Carolina Legislature.

8:58 I am concerned by those who say so much about what God says so little about, and so little about what God says so much about -- we're sure we botched that paraphrase.

9:00 Oh, yes, this man can move a crowd. "Reviving the heart of our democracy" -- and Jesus was a dark-skinned Palestinian Jew.

9:03 This country's heart is in danger, and we need to be "the moral defibrillators of our time... We must shock this nation with the power of love." It's a weird slogan, but it works!

9:06 IS THERE A HEART IN THIS HOUSE? At a Trump rally, of course, they might tear a beating one straight out of a protester's chest.

9:08 Kareem Abdul Jabbar is here to remind Donald Trump that Muslims are, indeed, American heroes. And to contrast Thomas Jefferson's idea of religious freedom with Mike Pence's. Also, a hell of a nice jab at Donald Trump. Well done, First Officer Murdoch!

9:12 Speaking of American Muslim heroes, Khizr Khan, father of Medal of Honor recipient genuine war hero Capt. Humayun Khan, who was killed in Iraq when he took the brunt of a car bomb, saving the lives of his squadmates. "Patriotic American Muslims" is the norm, not the exception. Update/correction: Capt. Khan was awarded the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart for his sacrifice, not the Medal of Honor. Wonkette regrets the error.

9:18

"Hillary Clinton was right when she called my son the best of America. If it were up to Donald Trump, my son would never be in America." And his squad would have died. "Let me ask you," asks Mr. Khan, "Have you even read the United States Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy."

9:20

9:21 Rep Ted Lieu introduces Gen. John Allen, (Ret. USMC), who actually does know more about ISIS than Donald Trump. We're not going to take Trump's word on his knowing more than the generals.

9:23 Major Major Major Major in the chatcave: "Marine who pronounces Afghanistan properly has deployment cred."

9:25 Get ready for the rightwing doofuses to tweet that NOW the Dems are stealing the military from them

9:27 John Allen could probably get a Quaker to enlist with that voice.

9:28 Under Hillary Clinton, our international alliances "will not be reduced to a business transaction." This guy's good.

9:30 MajorX4: "PRIVATE TRUMP, WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION? YOU WILL LOSE BY THE NUMBERS, HILLARY CLINTON WILL TEACH YOU! NOW UNFUCK YOURSELF OR I WILL PERSONALLY UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!"

9:31 Hey, that only SOUNDED like a tough speech. Gen. Allen didn't say the magic words! Weak!

9:32 Florent Groberg, Retired U.S. Army Captain and Medal of Honor recipient, is for Hillary.

9:35 Chloe Grace Moretz is an actor person of some kind, and a secret nerd queen. She likes Hillary's proposal for automatic voter registration when people turn 18. I have no idea who she is, really.

9:37 Growly Sherrod Brown is growly. We like him a hell of a lot. His name was high on a lot of Veep lists, but as with Elizabeth Warren, we're glad he's staying in the Senate.

9:40 Oh, yes, Sherrod. Where the hell are the tax returns, Donald? Brown's telling the story of the family whose century-old cabinetry shop was bankrupted when Trump refused to pay them for work they'd done for his casino.

9:44 Xavier Becerra of California, another of Rachel Maddow's veep picks. He's adorable!

9:48 Hey, we work with our hands! You mean you don't mean typing? Oh.

9:49 Say, why haven't we seen Donald Trump's college transcripts? OR HIS TAXES?

9:52 Oh boy, an exciting set of instructions for the convention-goers to do North Korean card-picture tricks! This is going to be a clusterfuck. Strangely, now we want to fasten our safety belts and stow our tray tables.

9:55 Katy Perry gonna sing. Also this, from Twitter:

Don't forget to set your phones to Flashlight!

9:58 Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy Come home, I'm so cold! Let me in-a-your window....

10:00 Roaring completed.

10:02 Stop yelling "encore!" ya maroon.

10:03 Chelsea, this would be an OK time to release all the rage you've been holding in at Rush Limbaugh since you were twelve. Go for it.

10:05 Look, Chelsea, the Triceratops was pretty cool, all right. But you've got to watch out for the thagomizer, after the late Thag Simmons. Wait, that was the Stegosaurus. Whatever.

10:09 We are enjoying Book Talk With Chelsea Clinton. No, we really are! Books are pretty cool.

10:10

Oh, how the story changes! Bill said it was Chelsea who wanted to watch all six "Police Academy" movies! Frankly, we think it was him.

10:13 Chelsea Clinton talks about her parents as human beings, Trump's kids talked about their dad being a ruthless businessman.

10:15 Chelsea has no interest in a political career, but she's a really sweet daughter. Good on her. And now, MORGAN FREEMAN. OF COURSE!

10:18 while we're biographying, here's a little story about Hillz's Wellesley comencement speech: Some dickhead Senator preceded her valedictorian speech, and she nailed his ass.

10:22 That OBL raid Situation Room photo is 'shopped! Everybody knows it!

10:27 Cornball movie is cornball. Hillary is finally gonna talk!

10:28 "My Fight Song" is the "Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow" of 2016.

10:33 That enough flags for ya, Trump?

10:35 Bernie shoutout -- is that the cue to fart?

10:37 Hiya Bernie! You done good, and you got Hillary ready for a tough fight.

10:40 Trump has "taken the Republican party from 'Morning in America' to 'Midnight in America'"

10:43 Back to the speech in a moment, but this tweet speaks truth:

10:45 Americans don't say "I alone can fix it." We say "We can fix it together."

10:47 She's no Barack Obama (there is only the one), but this here is a pretty good speech.

10:48 Tim Kaine is CUTE!

10:52 SCRANTON! Drink!

Methodist? We know NOTHING about her faith!

10:55 Why, yes, we would enjoy a president who pays attention to details. We've grown rather accustomed to that. Winging it is fun for a road trip, but not so much for a presidency. Not that we'd go on a road trip with Donald Trump, either.

10:56 Dom the Intern in the Sekrit ChatCave: "Little known fact -- Hillary Clinton used to bench press Janet Reno for funsies"

10:58 Oh, is she going on about the woman thing again? HOW DIVISIVE. (Will Glenn Beck say she has a deap seated hatred for masculine culture? Would anyone hear him if he did?)

11:00 Yay for girls (and boys too). Which is our cue to bring this pic back one more time:

11:01 Nerd alert!

Then again, Roslin was always a transparent Hillary stand-in... also, isn't Donald the one who thinks the Cylons have attacked?

11:03 Climate change is real? You said that out loud?

11:05 One of us! One of us! gabba gabba hey!

11:07 Donald Trump spoke for seventy-odd minutes -- and I do mean odd -- with no solutions. Give that speechwriter a beer!

11:09 You know, she has a lot of detailed ideas here, but she hasn't said "radical Islamic terrorism," so I think both candidates are about equal.

11:10 Hillary Clinton has been studying the delivery of Martin Sheen as Josiah Bartlett. Really loose and feeding off the audience now.

11:12 Let's take a closer look at Trump. Oh, goody. There's so much mess to look at. Ah yes, and Doanld Trump, the man who stiffs people.

By the end of this campaign, everyone will know what states make suits, ties, furniture, and barware.

11:15 "No, Donald, you don't." You know, we're looking forward to the debates. We really are.

11:16 MajorX4: "No, Donald, You Don't." That's the Trump coat of arms motto

11:17 "A man you can bait with a Tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons." Trump was about to tweet a reply, but deleted it.

11:22 "I'm not here to repeal the 2nd Amendment. I'm not here to take away your guns. I just don't want you to get shot by someone who shouldn't have a gun in the first place."

11:23 "Here is the sad truth: there is no other Donald Trump. This is it." And his hissy fit on Twitter about this will prove her point.

11:26 That there was a pretty good speech. And let's just say it: Hillary Clinton has one infectious smile.

11:29 The card stunt is not working. This may be a good thing: Americans are NOT North Koreans. Forget this coordinated display, I wanna take a selfie!

11:32

11:35 Remember how Trump's and Pence's families looked like they were waiting together uncomfortably for a bus? Hillary was BEAMING just now when Tim Kaine introduced a little boy to her -- nephew? Who knows? Beaming.

11:38 All those balloons popping. Hope there are no purse dogs in the arena.

11:40 Benedictions always go better with balloons. No, you goofs, hold hands. Put down the balloons and pray.

11:41 Rev William Shillady is a pretty chill dude. "Open our doors with radical hospitality." Man's read the parts of the Bible with Jesus in it, we see.

11:45 Gee, we don't feel a sense of overwhelming dread. That's nice! Goodnight, you drinky drunky drunks!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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