[Cue general ranting]

DRUDGE SIRENS EMERGENCY BROADCAST DEEP STATE ALERT WARNING! Some guy who shows up on Alex Jones's conspiratainment complex was grabbed by the FBI and detained yesterday after he got off a plane from London, and now nobody knows where he is and it's all part of a desperate attempt by the DEEP STATE to shut down free speech and maybe even overthrow Donald Trump! Or at least that's what Jones and his InfoWars buddies are all claiming on Twitter and on InfoWars; no real journalism places are touching it (yet), which if you think about it simply proves how deep the conspiracy goes. Here, have some breathless tweetings from the most reliable people on the internet!

Also, don't read the follow-on tweets or your brain may explode. Samples (please hold your skull together):

  • It’s just the natural escalation to complete totalitarian control and secret police. Smaller houses, gun removal, complete surveillance, no equality under the law, no justice, first they came for...
  • Watch "The Man Who Knew." I haven't trusted the FBI since they allowed 9/11 to happen.
  • And it was on Mueller's watch.
  • Was it? I don't remember that part. And my boyfriend won't let me watch it when he's around.

How true this is. In a Very Special Infowars EMERGENCY BROADCAST last night, Jones said occasional contributor to InfoWars Ted Malloch had made an emergency phone call to WND conspiracy loon Jerome Corsi, saying that he'd been grabbed after getting off his plane and interrogated and told he'd be forced to testify before a grand jury next week. According to Jones, the interrogators told him, "We want to know about Roger Stone, we want to know about Corsi, we want to know about InfoWars" -- because of course the Deep State is out to get everyone who wants to tell you the truth. Jones went on to insist that Malloch had now gone silent, and if anyone's not answering their phone, that is for sure proof they've been spirited off to a Black Site.

The crazy starts around the 18:20 mark if you feel like watching. It's your brain, after all:

Malloch briefly made it into mainstream news last year when he claimed he was Donald Trump’s first choice to be the next US ambassador to the European Union, which isn't exactly true. As in, he was never under consideration for the job at all, no matter how many times he insisted on Twitter that he was. He was in favor of Brexit, wants the EU to disband, and, as the Financial Times noted last year, has a real habit of fibbing about his own brilliant achievements.

In his autobiography, Malloch said a documentary he made for PBS had been "nominated for an Emmy" -- not quite. The station which made the program had actually submitted it for consideration in the "Lower Great Lakes Chapter Regional Emmy" awards, but it hadn't actually been nominated. He also claims that in 1992, Margaret Thatcher praised him in a speech as a "genius" and as a "global sherpa" -- whatever that is. But no, video of the speech shows her saying no such thing. He claimed a knighthood, and said his friends and family all call him "Sir Ted." Maybe they call him that as a joke, since the honor he actually got was "several ranks lower than a knighthood. It does not carry a right to a title and members do not attend an investiture with the Queen." And he also claimed that in a low-level post in the UN, he "helped bring down the Soviet Union," possibly in the same way that anyone who moved any paper involving the Grenada invasion got a medal. Then there's his amusing claim to be related to Theodore Roosevelt -- you know, his full name is "Theodore Roosevelt Malloch." The Financial Times looked into that as well. Rather cattily, at that:

Oh, but that's just a postscript to the article, which is about that time that Malloch and his wife filed for bankruptcy in 2013, but were not allowed to write off $5.9 million in debt to two US banks because the couple had lied to the banks about their assets in the first place, and loans secured under false information can't be written off in bankruptcy court, too bad, so sad. But the Mallochs withdrew their claim for those debts, and at least managed to avoid any actual fraud charges.

So it's entirely possible that maybe not a bit of this supposed arrest by Team Mueller is real, or perhaps Malloch really was detained at customs and questioned -- in any case, there's nothing about this out there in Real World news, and for that matter, no indication that any of this has anything to do with Russia. Maybe Malloch met with Julian Assange! Maybe Malloch wants to hint he did!

Within the last hour, WND crank Dr. Jerome Corsi, PhD, has at least revealed that Malloch is out of stir. If he was in stir at all:

So there you go! MALLOCH CELLPHONE THUGS, we should add, would be a terrible name for a band. With any luck, we'll soon know what REALLY happened, and if it doesn't involve an alligator, a pot stash, and a stripper pole, we'll be very disappointed.

Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. Please click here so we can keep bringing you the TRUTH.

[InfoWars / Politico / Will Sommer on Twitter / Financial Times / Financial Times]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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