Does Ted Cruz Secretly Want To Gay Marry The Homosexuals?

A power bottom for your gay love, and also your dollars.

BREAKING NEWS, EVERYONE. Ted Cruz, a politician from Texas, is a politician, and he is from Texas. (And Canada. And Cuba.)

Yes, we know, everybody thinks he's this Pure Conservative Social Warrior, untainted by the taint smells of politickin', but maybe he isn't! Maybe he is just a grubby pander bear like all the rest, because Politico Winned The Morning with a secret tape of Ted Cruz romancing the gays at a New York fundraiser like a common Anderson Cooper:

[I]n December, behind closed doors at a big-dollar Manhattan fundraiser, the quickly ascending presidential candidate assured a Republican gay-rights supporter that a Cruz administration would not make fighting same-sex marriage a top priority. [...]

[T]he donor asked: “So would you say it's like a top-three priority for you — fighting gay marriage?”

“No,” Cruz replied. “I would say defending the Constitution is a top priority. And that cuts across the whole spectrum — whether it's defending [the] First Amendment, defending religious liberty.”

Soothing the attendee without contradicting what he has said elsewhere, Cruz added: “People of New York may well resolve the marriage question differently than the people of Florida or Texas or Ohio. ... That's why we have 50 states — to allow a diversity of views. And so that is a core commitment.”

BETRAY! BETRAY! Good God, Ted, if you love the New York gays so much, why don't you get naked and lie down and let them put their penises in your butt while you have brunch and flip your pinky in the air and tell everybody how fabulous La Cage Aux Folles is? Oh, you totally already do that, obviously? BETRAY!

Some meat-farting GOP operative cried these words to Politico:

Wow. Does this not undermine all of his positions? Abortion, Common Core — all to the states? ... Worse, he sounds like a slick D.C. politician — says one thing on the campaign trail and trims his sails with NYC elites. Not supposed to be like that.

How can Cruz do this to them?! Just this month we learned that Tony Perkins and all his syphilitic religious right fluffer boys and ladies decided to endorse him as the Truest Gay-Hatin'-est Republican for president -- were they wrong all along?

[contextly_sidebar id="elcynT3xzCOZme3yCP6iD7EWP9IxaQN5"]Isn't this the same Ted Cruz who rushed to Kentucky to make sweet religious freedom love to Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis underneath her lady jumper, but when he got there, he had to wait his turn behind Mike Huckabee, who has a VORACIOUS appetite for religious freedom lady jumper?

Huckabee's not done yet, you'll get her when he's finished.

Here are some other things Ted Cruz has said about how he wants to gay-bang the gays, but not in a good way:

  • He says he will prevent the IRS from "targeting" all the churches who refuse to do gay weddings, even if they are the Jew kind of churches!
  • He says "mandatory" gay marriage is murdering all the Christians in their religious freedom parts, and that we shouldn't even be TALKING about gay marriage, since ISIS is way meaner to the homosexuals than Ted Cruz wants to be.
  • He says he will fix the Constitution so quote-unquote "Supreme Court Justices" no longer have the jurisdiction to make us all gay. He will probably also replace all the liberals on the court with his gay-hatin' dad.
  • He says he wants to make sure all the God-fearin' states ain't gotta recognize none-a-them fairy princess Indigo Girls marriages, and if the queers don't like it, they should "vote with their feet" and move to states where their kind is accepted.

Sure sounds like he hates him some gays! But wait just a goddamn minute. That last bullet point is -- DING DING DING! -- the same thing he said to the New York gay homosexual Liza Minnelli lovers.

[contextly_sidebar id="gwyjiT28OR2VGpbFDQM6kLocrrtEurBG"]The point is, it's funny that Cruz is up in New York saying sweet sex Constitution words to the more moderate Republicans he wants money from, instead of being the firebrand he is when he's in the U.S. American flyover state parts, grabbin' his pitchfork and rilin' the masses up for a good metaphorical queer-stabbin'. He's doing this -- and BREAKING NEWS, MUST CREDIT WONKET, this is not the first time he's done it -- because he's a power bottom FOR THEIR MONEYS.

All these idiot-ass evangelicals think Ted Cruz is their pure butt boy, and we believe they're right, for once. But he knows how to use the right words at the right time, too, because as we said at the outset, he is (wait for it!) a politician.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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