Glenn Greenwald Wishes Media Would Talk About DOJ IG Report Media Won't Fucking Shut Up About

Glenn Greenwald, who is definitely not a barely incognito Russian agent, went to see his new white supremacist boyfriend Tucker Carlson on Fox News last night, to bitch and moan about how the media refuses to cover the inspector general report being released today by the Justice Department, about the FBI's (mis)handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation during the 2016 election campaign. Greenwald did this because, having been banned from the real news because he's such a yappy hack, he revels in the attention of such sexxxxy Fox News gypsy-hatin' pieces-o'-ass as Tucker Carlson. Greenwald also wants to murder the Russia investigation, for unclear (Russian agent?) reasons, and Fox News wants to do the same thing! And if this IG report makes DOJ/FBI look bad, that means the Russia investigation is a witch hunt, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, FAKE CRIME!

Additionally, both Greenwald and Fox News are under the impression that the most pressing issue in the world is that Hillary Clinton is a great big email bitch who should be locked up, and if this IG report says that (it doesn't), then WHY WON'T THE MEDIA TALK ABOUT IT?! (The media is talking about it. Turn on your TV right now. They're talking about it.)

Let's transcribe some of the reverse cowgirl 69-ing between Tucker 'n' Glenn, and then we'll briefly discuss what's come out in the IG report, even though we obviously refuse to talk about such things:

CARLSON: I'm very struck by the reaction to this story in the press. The default seems to be A) you don't have a right to know what your government is doing and B) to press too hard to find out, there's something wrong with you! You're unpatriotic! Why wouldn't the press be more interested in knowing what actually happens at DOJ?

GREENWALD: This has been, of course, I think, the principal defect with the media for many years, which is that they so closely identify with the government agencies that they claim to be serving as watchdog over, that they more often than not end up defending their prerogatives and their secrecy powers and what it is they do, rather than trying to do their jobs, which is to shine a light on what it is that they're doing.

Oh god, we forgot how WORDS WORDS WORDS Greenwald gets when he's allowed to speak aloud, so we're done transcribing his ass. He goes on to say there are certain times where the DOJ should be able to act in secret, like especially when they don't want to sully the names of people who actually haven't done anything wrong but might nevertheless be part of an investigation. And we agree!

But it's funny how he said this on Fox News, which for months has been blissfully smearing the names of two FBI agents, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who used to fuck each other but don't anymore, because they said some offhand shit about Donald Trump in their text messages. (More on them in a minute, when we talk about the IG report we obviously refuse to talk about.) Greenwald might notice how fucked up that is, if Greenwald was arguing in good faith. He's not real big on that.

Anyway, Greenwald's point is that he wants to shit on Hillary Clinton a whole bunch, but the media won't let him, blah blah blah, who fucking cares.

By the way, we just looked up at the TV and MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell was reporting on the IG report, which Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein is going to brief El Presidente Dipshit on later, because obviously lamestream MSNBC is ignoring it, probably on Rachel Maddow's orders. (Maddow will report on the IG report on her show tonight, because of course she will.)

Also ignoring the IG report is Bloomberg, which has been updating its report on the IG report all morning:

Former FBI Director James Comey "deviated" from bureau and Justice Department procedures in handling the probe into Hillary Clinton, damaging the agencies' image of impartiality even though he wasn't motivated by politics, the department's watchdog found in a highly anticipated report.

"While we did not find that these decisions were the result of political bias on Comey's part, we nevertheless concluded that by departing so clearly and dramatically from FBI and department norms, the decisions negatively impacted the perception of the FBI and the department as fair administrators of justice," Inspector General Michael Horowitz said in the report's conclusions, which were obtained by Bloomberg News.

Breaking news, stop the fucking presses, because we think they're saying James Comey screwed Hillary Clinton. Strangely enough, we bet Fox News will ignore that part of the report. Maybe Glenn Greenwald can come back on with Tucker Carlson so they can ignore it together.

However, we expect Carlson and his pal Sean Hannity will seize on a new text between Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, wherein Page was worried Trump might actually become president. Strzok replied, "No. No he's not. We'll stop it." We imagine Fox News idiots, Greenwald, and their shit-haired president will scream, "RIGGED! RIGGED! PETER STRZOK AND LISA PAGE RIGGED THE ELECTION AGAINST TRUMP!" However, they will ignore the part about how IG Horowitz concluded that, overall, "we did not find documentary or testimonial evidence that improper considerations, including political bias, directly affected the specific investigative actions we reviewed." In other words, while Strzok and Page, like all patriotic Americans, were personally horrified that Trump might become president, they didn't let it affect their job performance. Horowitz's report does add, though, that "the conduct by these employees cast a cloud over the entire FBI investigation." We guess Horowitz is saying Peter Strzok and Lisa Page aren't perfect, so BURN THEM FOR A WITCH!!!1!!

Further ignoring the IG report are the Washington Post and the New York Times, so hit those links for what are obviously BLANK PAGES if you're interested in more analysis.

Whatever President Grundle Tears and his bloviating minions have to say about this IG report, the fact remains that the FBI revealed details about an investigation into exactly one of the major 2016 presidential candidates, an investigation that found no evidence of wrongdoing and was basically closed. Meanwhile, they were secretly kicking into high gear with an investigation into whether the other candidate and/or his campaign actively conspired with a foreign enemy to steal the election, but somehow managed to keep that under their hats.

That guy is the president now.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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