It is said that we do not deserve Dolly Parton. There is a reason that is said.

Parton got her coronavirus vaccine yesterday. The one from Moderna, which she helped fund. (She didn't even know her donation helped fund that, and she was beyond thrilled when she found out.)

So when she got her first dose, she did it in public on video, like a common Not Donald Trump. And what she said in the video, the description for which said "Dolly gets a dose of her own medicine," is just so fuckin' Dolly and so fuckin' great and we're so fuckin' glad to show you this video right now.



PARTON: Well hey, it's me! I'm finally gonna get my vaccine, I'm so excited! I've been waitin' a while. I'm old enough to get it. And I'm smart enough to get it.

YOU HEAR HER? SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO GET IT, LIKE A COMMON PERSON WHO IS NOT A DUMBASS.

Then she sang her rewritten version of "Jolene," which went like this:

Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine

I'm beggin' of you please don't hesitate

Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine

'Cause once you're dead, then that's a bit too late

LOLOL Dolly said you're an idiot if you don't get it, and gonna be sorry if you're dead, but in the most shiny, happy Dolly way possible. Indeed, she started giggling after she sang that, saying, "I know I'm tryin' to be funny now, BUT I'M DEAD SERIOUS about the vaccine."

Then she called people scared of getting the vaccine "cowards" and said "don't be such a chickensquat! GET OUT THERE AND GET YOUR SHOT!"

It is a delightful video, watch it all.

Speaking of DON'T BE A FUCKING CHICKENSQUAT, there was big news yesterday on the vaccine front. President Joe Biden announced that we're going to have enough vaccine for all NON-CHICKENSQUATS to get it by the end of May. Before, the timeline was July. Isn't it weird to have a president that, like, goes to work and does shit all day?

This comes after the new Johnson & Johnson one-dose vaccine got emergency authorization, with Biden announcing that ALSO he is the REAL President "Art Of The Deal," because he used the Defense Production Act to make Merck, which is a big competitor to Johnson & Johnson, help make the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. That's right, he Art of the Deal-ed Merck right into a corner and said, "Hey, not only are you going to be NICE to Johnson & Johnson, you're going to SHARE. You too, Johnson & Johnson!"

"Two of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world who are usually competitors are working together on the vaccine," he said in remarks delivered at the White House. ``This is the type of collaboration between companies we saw in World War II.''

It's like the presidency actually has useful powers, and in the hands of somebody who isn't an idiot criminal psychopath, you can use the Oval Office for good. Weird!

For more on the president's announcement yesterday, click here.

As for us, that'll be enough good news for this morning, now we can get back to our regularly scheduled content of abject terror and dystopian shit.

Get your vaccine when it's your turn, CHICKENSQUATS.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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