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Panic time, Wonkers! The GOP is about to launch their SECRET WEAPON for the November midterms! May Day! May Day! Blue Wave meet THE DONBERLY!

Hide your kids and pets, because Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle are coming to your town -- if your town is a secondary media market that Donald Trump took easily but is now neck and neck because the GOP is less popular than herpes.

Last week, DJ and his lady friend celebrated their "five-month anniversary" in Montana at a rally for the guy who's about to lose to Jon Tester. (Shut up they did too wait until his separation from Vanessa was official to start dating -- whoever said those dick pics that got Kimmy fired from Fox were of her beloved Junior Mint is a damn liar!) Because true love is worth waiting for!

Here, watch this video of the young lovers engorged with the thrill of the clay pigeon hunt, and ponder the important questions. Such as, if you took some of the silicon out of her face and stuck it in his chin, would you get a normal person?


Prolly not.

Then it was on to Texas to stump for Ted Cruz. Beto O'Rourke's charms are no match for DJ's animal magnetism and Kim's ... denim jumpsuit with puffy shoulders!

Referring to Judge Blackout's confirmation hearing, Trump quipped, "You're not allowed to have a beer if you're conservative. Now, if you're a liberal, you can do cocaine and be the president." Which is an odd choice of words for someone standing in an air-conditioned hotel room dripping sweat from every pore. But you do you, DJ!

Next week, Donberly will be in North Carolina defending the honor of Mark Harris, a Trump-humper who knocked off a sitting Republican congressman in the primary by performing orgies of devotion to the president. Now Harris is statistically tied with Democrat Dan McReady in a district that went for Trump by 12 points in 2016. Well-played, Gippers!

After that, the lovebirds are off to Georgia to prop up Brian Kemp, a candidate so bad that he's in danger of losing to a female African American Democrat. IN GEORGIA. Local Republicans begged Trump not to endorse Kemp in the primary, judging him the weaker candidate for the general. But President ADD ignored them and dragged that gun nut over the finish line. So now Jr. and the Jumpsuit are parachuting in to save the day with their undeniable charisma. Lucky Georgia!

Sadly, young Eric Trump is less in demand. (And less sweaty.) Here he is in Pennsylvania with Lou Barletta, who is cruising to a flawless victory of -17 points against Democratic Senator Bob Casey. SO CLOSE!

But at least Eric was invited. Unlike his father, who canceled an upcoming rally in Florida after GOP House candidate Michael Waltz was unable to appear with the president because he was washing his hair at a private fundraiser. Even Ron DeSantis, Trump's gift to the Florida gubernatorial race, seemed only mildly excited to appear with his patron saint, and the entire Florida trip was canceled.

Seems like handsome DJ really is the future of the party! Because he's good enough, he's smart enough and goldarnit he just paid fifty thousand dollars to get his teeth recapped, and he wants to charge those new chompers to the campaign as an electoral expense. (ALLEGEDLY.)

Many people are saying that Don the Younger should run for office himself! What say you, Deej? Want to help that nice NBC reporter get some page hits?

Honestly, right now, I enjoy being in the fight. I enjoy fighting for guys that are doing great work and are helping my father. We'll do that for the time being, and we'll figure it out later.

UH HUH. Well, that guy couldn't get elected to pick up dogshit in Central Park. So when he ups stakes and moves out of New York, we'll know he's running. But don't hold your breath -- DJ is a devoted family man who would never leave his five young children just for a career in politics, right?

LOLOLOL, just a little levity on this shitty, horrible day.

[Daily Mail / Buzzfeed / NBC]

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