Donald And Melania Looking For Palm Beach House As Tacky As They Are
Donald Trump GIF

Hooray, there is more evidence that President GoldToilets McTemperTantrum on some level knows that come January 20, he will never be president again, and will need a house in which to rest his weary ass. He wanted to just go to Mar-a-Lago and stink that place up until he's removed from it by death, prison or Putin, but womp womp, there's a whole thing going where actually he may not legally be able to use the facility as a residence full-time, since he agreed it would be a private club when he bought it. Neighbors are raising a stink, because literally nobody in their right mind wants to be Donald Trump's neighbor.

Page Six reports that Donald and Melon are looking for houses in Palm Beach. If you're anything like us, your first question is obviously "Can they get approved for a mortgage, though?" but Page Six does not address that.

A source told us, "Melania and Trump are talking to brokers about buying a house in Palm Beach, or nearby, as the living space at Mar-a-Lago isn't big enough, and there could be some potential conflicts."

Page Six says the private quarters at Mar-a-Lago is only 2,000 square feet. Other places we have seen say it's more like 3,000. For comparison, the Obamas' house in the Kalorama neighborhood of DC is 8,200 square feet, so Trump's ego will probably require his home to be at least 8,201.

This comes after we learned that Jared 'n' Ivanka bought a $30 million lot on nearby Indian Creek Island, amid rumors that now that Trump has decamped to Florida for "holidays," there's a possibility he might just fuck off and stay there and play golf and whine on Twitter forever, instead of coming back to DC to be reminded every second of every day that he's the biggest loser who ever walked planet Earth.

Because we are service-y, Wonkette looked at Realtor dot com to see if there are any houses tacky enough for the Trumps to live in, and decided no house anywhere could possibly be that tacky. We also noticed that some of these properties are pretty darn expensive.

But if Trump finds a Russian oligarch who's still willing to foot the bill, maybe he can combine that money with some of the money he's been grifting off his idiot followers in his clownass legal fight to steal the election, and buy 259 Pendleton Avenue, a new construction house with 8,306 square feet -- BIGGER THAN OBAMA'S -- with an asking price of $17.9 million. It has eight bedrooms, lots of bathrooms, and an "exercise room" Trump could use for crying on the floor in his bathrobe probably.

Or there's 1030 South Ocean Boulevard, a $42.5 million property with 14,017 square feet and private beach access and LOL back up, we don't think Putin got enough from Trump's presidency to make $42.5 million happen. Let's be reasonable here. Perhaps Donald and Melania might like a three bedroom, two bath split level somewhere that's not waterfront?

Point is, we wish the Trumps all the success in the world finding a house that's gross enough for them to buy, and we hope they find a bank willing to give these down-on-their-luck homebuyers a chance. But we're not like hoping hoping for it, and we certainly aren't praying. All we really care about is that they get the fuck out and never come back.

Happy house-hunting, assholes!

[Page Six]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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